Elderly hoarder - options?

[wellrestedmum]

Elderly hoarder, what to do and who’s responsible?

I have a close friend called Sam. Him and his sister, Laura, have a mum in her 70’s who is a prolific hoarder, can barely move through the house and only certain parts of the house are accessible.

Mum is extremely stubborn and as is quite usual with hoarders, she will go to extreme lengths to keep items in the house such as taking them back out of the bin once Sam/Laura have had a clear out (things that are clearly rubbish). They have contacted a professional organising /decluttering company but it seems as though they will only help if the hoarder is willing to make a change. The mum will not consider this.

I’ve suggested social services but Laura is against this as she thinks they will remove mum against her will from the property if they deem she cannot look after herself properly. Sam is open to getting social services in but also does not want to fall out with his mum, which he predicts would happen if she found out he was behind getting them involved.

Sam works an extremely demanding job, think partner in a small professional firm (lawyer/ accountant) and currently working 6 days a week, long hours. He has his own family to support.
Laura is a part time worker, and has no dependents.

They are battling it out as Laura is demanding that Sam help her to keep on top of the hoarding at their mums house, saying they should each do two weekends per month to try and make her environment more liveable.

Sam feels he is unable to dedicate this time to clearing / maintaining his mums house. His mental health is suffering as a result of his high pressured job and he barely gets a day off, does not want to spend that time in a futile battle trying to sort the clutter, rubbish and junk out of mums house, with her questioning every item that is being thrown away. He said he went through her coats with her a few weeks ago and after a long while he managed to persuade her to part with 5 of them, leaving still 20 coats in her possession.

Laura berates Sam for working so much and says it’s normal to have elderly relatives to care for and visit twice a month at this stage in life, she says the job is not normal and there is no end in sight for the constant busyness / pressure.

Opinions on the situation please. Has anyone else had similar? Is it fair for Laura to be pressuring Sam into helping out?

Side note a big motivation for Laura to keep mum in her own house is money, Laura doesn’t have much and is banking on some inheritance from when they sell the house on mums death. Does not want mum to go into a care home as they will need to sell the house to pay the fees. Sam is reasonably well off having worked hard for it so does not need inheritance money.

Why does Laura only work part time?
It's up to Sam how many hours he works.
Both children are equally entitled to any inheritance regardless of who 'needs' it or not.

Is the house dirty and unsanitary or just full of clothes and belongings?

It's really tough. If people live in rented or council accommodation they will often step in, but if privately owned then harder. They could contact their local fire service to ask for a safe and well check as hoarding is a real risk to safety - but if course it doesn't mean that the mum will accept help. It also doesn't address the issues between the children either, however I would be more concerned initially about the threat to health of her and her neighbours potentially.

Hoarding is a mental health issue and is notoriously difficult to deal with. I think the siblings need to bear that in mind when trying to deal with their mother.

I don’t think Laura can force Sam to do more than he’s willing to do. I understand why she would want him to commit to the same her and him not being willing may cause a fall out. She however, doesn’t get to decide what is a reasonable amount of paid work for Sam to do. This could go on for many years. Does Laura have a long term plan ?

I would get the fire brigade in to do a safety check. That oftens starts the ball rolling.

I think in fairness Sam and Laura "ought" to contribute equally - this is an idealistic view I know - but in Sam's case that could be financial, eg paying for a decluttering service twice a month if such a thing exists. Sam is money-rich, Laura is time-rich.

But it all sounds moot if their mum doesn't want to be decluttered. How does Laura get anything cleared on those fortnightly visits if mum doesn't consent?

Keeping her DM in her own home so that Laura can inherit seems a little heartless.

Where does Laura live? Could the DM move in with her and the house be sold?

They both need to take a big step back and focus on their mother rather than the environment she lives in or any inheritance they might receive.

does the mum have any health concerns or significant diagnoses at present? is she able to keep herself fed, watered, reasonably clean, dressed and to take any medication she has been prescribed? Does she have capacity I.e. is she able to decide for herself that she wants to live this way?

Whether her environment is ‘liveable’ to her children’s standards is a moot point: the key question is whether it’s compromising her ability to care for herself.

Hoarding can be really difficult to witness as a relative but like the PPs I think they're coming at this from a bit of a wrong angle. Does she have capacity to make her own decisions? Just because she's elderly doesn't mean the state are going to intervene and haul her off to a care home against her will because her home is full of junk, nor can her children just decide she's going in a home. People are allowed to make unwise and even unsafe decisions so long as there isn't dementia or something like that clouding their judgement to the extent they can't make their own decisions. And also tbh even where people have capacity, this idea that social services are going round with a big net and a van just desperate to put people in homes is a total fallacy, on the contrary they're usually desperate to fob off people who are probably genuinely in need of more help onto daily carer visits, all the more so if family volunteer to help. So I don't think Laura needs to fear for her inheritance just yet although it's quite distasteful to be thinking in those terms at all. yes I'd certainly involve social services if the lady will accept it (again if she has capacity it's up to her), fire service visit is a good shout and both children should do what they can in terms of visits. Personally I'd stop spending hours nagging her about the 20 coats or the rubbish, it just doesn't work with hoarders and you'll drive yourself potty with it, just adding more visits, more time, more persuasion doesn't work. Even if at great cost to your own sanity you finally persuade them to let go of some stuff more will just keep arriving in to fill the gaps (voice of sad experience here).

If the mother will allow it I'd focus assistance on keeping a clear pathway to essentials like kitchen, toilet and front door (to exit in an emergency), even if this means shifting clutter rather than sorting/binning. also getting her to accept mobility aids if she's at risk of falling (grab rails, perch stool, shower seat etc). If whole rooms have to be sacrificed to the clutter to preserve her staying in the rest of the house then so be it. If she's well enough perhaps it's time to move visits and socialisation outside the house for a bit, take her for coffees or shopping or whatever if it's too uncomfortable/upsetting to be in the house. If she's maybe depressed or anxious, trying to improve that will likely make her a bit more equipped to let go of some of her stuff and function better anyway...

Safety is the first priority, so they would be sensible to see if mum will agree to them clearing exit routes and other hazards. Doesn't have to involve chucking stuff out but clearing a path. Also clearing around cooking area, and ensuring worktops sink and fridge are acceptable, and a working tested smoke alarm on each floor. Then contact hoardinguk.org/contact/ for further advice. It is a long, slow process that will need patience and consistency.

And everything @maxmaxelly said. @maxmaxelly are you a housing officer? You nailed it with your advice.

What @maxelly said.

They need first of all to understand just how resistant hoarding is to actual treatment, never mind decluttering services.

I think if you are someone who gets sucked into these conversations with Laura and Sam, I would swerve the conversation to reminiscing about their mum, or about the impact of the hoarding on them as children or now, or about whether she would consider seeing her GP.

Totally agree with maxelly.

DMIL clearly needed full time care. I won't go into why she had Vascular Dementia and it but it included wandering at night and not being able to find her way back home.

Getting her into a care home was extremely hard. If we'd relented at any point she would have just been discharged from Hospital and sent home.

Nobody is going to find a place on a Care Home for a Woman who has her faculties.

How are Laura & Sam now? Has he read up anymore on Hoarding as a Mental Health Issue and how best to tackle it from that point of view?

Second contacting the community fire safety officer for advice.

@SiouxsieSiouxStiletto
Laura is sending more messages just saying she's "frazzled" and "needs help" with the mum and that she wanted to share the burden of getting the place safe.
Wanted to "tag team" with Sam and guilt tripping him for not having time.

I think fire brigade is a good call and I've also found a website called hoardingUK who will be able to offer some advice.
Agree with the complex issues around hoarding and it's not just a case of sorting and getting rid of stuff!

@maxelly thank you, appreciate this advice

Our local Age UK has a team who will help with clearing for hoarders but obviously the person has to be willing to recognize there is a problem and want help.

Sam has a solution... get social services to help... Laura disagrees.. for all the wrong reasons.

Laura has a solution which is to become frazzled, battle with Mum and insist that Sam does this too. Sam has tried and disagrees.

In my opinion, Sam is reasonable.. Laura is not.

Are you Sam’s wife?

Although people are entitled to make unwise decisions, if the hoarding is extreme it can be classed as a safeguarding issue . However social services should support people to stay at home.
Agree having a fire safety check sounds a good idea.

Wife or partner is the only reason for this level of involvement