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Elderly parents
Original poster

Sister & I differ on whether our Dad should remain in a home

124 replies

User125179313 · 30/10/2023 15:26

My Dad is 87 years old. Physically he is still quite active although we can see his movements becoming slower. He has dementia (mild at the moment), he needs someone to remind him to take his medication, to cook for him, order repeat prescription, wash his clothes and clean. He never wanted to go in a care home but has been in one for just over a week now (it's a long story as to how he ended up there but we told him it would be temporary). He wants to be in his own place with a carer going to see him a couple of times a day. I've been looking at retirement flats (although I believe they can be difficult to sell). My sister thinks there is no point in moving him and the care home is the best place for him and we should do our best to keep him there. I'm not so sure as he has been very depressed over the past week. He has enough money to last approx 8 years in the care home but I don't know what will happen if he runs out of money. We have also lied to him about how much the care home is costing because he hates the idea of spending all his money on a care home (we have power of attorney) and I don't feel comfortable about continuing to lie to him. Not sure what's best to do but any advice or opinions appreciated 🙏

OP posts:
AgnesX · 30/10/2023 15:29

If he's still compos can you discuss it with him? It doesn't sound like he's very happy where he is.

I wouldn't mention money because it's all about what's best for him.

PosterBoy · 30/10/2023 15:29

Why did he go into the care home and what wouldn't work about the carers idea? Does he have mental capacity still?

SausageMonkey2 · 30/10/2023 15:31

Respect your dads wishes.

Aylestone · 30/10/2023 15:33

Why is it not an option to keep him home with carers?

Quartz2208 · 30/10/2023 15:34

My Nan moved into a flat that she part bought and part rented, came with carers etc and when she died they bought it back at the price she paid for it once probate complete (so fairly quickly) she had her own one bed flat -extra are.org

Pleaseme · 30/10/2023 15:35

I think the more you can do for yourself the better. So some sort of supported living flats might be a better option.

MrsOrMiss · 30/10/2023 15:35

Maybes assisted living/sheltered accommodation is a good choice for him.
There are plenty of places offering it and it's rented instead of owned so he'll keep more of his money.
Do a google search for your area and see what comes up.
I just want to add, he may have some form of dementia but he's still an adult who should be involved with the decisions being made over his life.

Sonofagun · 30/10/2023 15:38

A friend of mine's mother self-funded in a care home for around 5 years and after her money ran out, the council took over paying the care home fees until she died. I don't think it is a given, but she was well settled in the care home by the time her own money ran out and council agreed for her to continue living there

TheShellBeach · 30/10/2023 15:39

As he has dementia be is going to deteriorate.

I think he would be better served to stay in the home.

All people take a few weeks to get used to it.

At least you won't have to constantly worry about whether the carers have been, whether he's eaten, whether he's had his medication etc.

I'm with your sister on this.

Quartz2208 · 30/10/2023 15:41

Extracare sorry

olderbutwiser · 30/10/2023 15:42

Does he have capacity to make the decision for himself - if so it's his decision not yours. What are the risks vs benefits of him going home, does he understand them and remember them? How can you make his home as safe for him as possible?

DisforDarkChocolate · 30/10/2023 15:42

It sounds like he still has capacity. If this is the case making a decision now on having carers and a cleaner of his choice will be far better for him at the moment.

At some point this will change though so it must be revisited before he is unsafe to be alone. Choices made when there is a crisis are often not choices at all.

TrailingFig · 30/10/2023 15:43

If HE wants to stay at home then he should stay at home. It’s not up for debate imo

Rosa · 30/10/2023 15:43

If he can go back to his own home and you can have carers going in twice daily and then upping when needed . It will be familiar and easier for him However if you move him to a retrirement flat then it wont be familiar and he will have to learn where everything is and for someone with dementia thats not easy . .:bearing in mind that it is going to slowly get worse.

TrailingFig · 30/10/2023 15:44

POA only kicks in when he’s not capable of making decisions

Forestdweller11 · 30/10/2023 15:48

The finance POA can be activated at any time.

PosterBoy · 30/10/2023 15:48

TrailingFig · 30/10/2023 15:44

POA only kicks in when he’s not capable of making decisions

not necessarily the case (edited)

cptartapp · 30/10/2023 15:56

A carer a couple of times a day won't cut it for very long. Even if upped, they can leave he could be on the floor/leaving the gas on/wandering outside five minutes later.
He has dementia and is heading to 90. Today is the best he will ever be, physically and mentally.
Leave him where he is. You are acting in his best interests, money is irrelevant. Sometimes needs outweigh wants.

Chewbecca · 30/10/2023 15:59

I would follow his wishes at this point and get him home with carers.

Yes, the situation is likely to change again in the coming years but deal with that when you come to it. You don't know now exactly what the situation you'll be dealing with will be, his needs will change.

Sheltered/ assisted living facilities are great but very hard to come by good ones and if he doesn't want it now and may not need it in time, it would just add another headache.

Dozycuntlaters · 30/10/2023 15:59

To be honest, if he does go home, and his dementia progresses which it will, he will need to go back into a home as he will become a danger to himself. Also, I don't think assisted living would be any good because you have to prove you are well enough to live in one, as they are not care homes, they just have a warden there so its not the same as a home at all.

It must be horrid for him so maybe have an agreement where he gives it another 4 weeks to see if he can settle and then make a decision after that?

Choux · 30/10/2023 16:07

You and your sister don't agree so you need other more qualified opinions. What do the care home staff think his needs are? Have social services done a needs assessment for him? Does he actually have capacity to decide for himself?

Why he ended up in the care home is possibly very relevant as to what his needs currently are and how they might progress over the next few months. If he could probably only last a few more weeks or months at home it might be kinder to not take him back home. It could be the home he is in is not the right one for him - is it the right mix of residents with a routine and activities that suits him? Eg if he likes to play dominoes and do puzzles find him a place that has that as a regular activity.

viques · 30/10/2023 16:09

What is his general health like? Has he had falls, does he get chest infections ( often the consequence of not moving around much) , what is his medication for, how is his walking? How elderly person friendly is his home, stairs, trip hazards, easy access to toilets, facilities to be bathed or showered comfortably and safely . How about access around the house and outside, different levels within the house, different floor coverings, steep stairs, outside steps that are safe, with even surfaces, hand rails .

It really isn’t just a question of carers coming in and doing a bit of cooking and cleaning, it is about having a quality of life with conversations, people taking an interest, making sure he is aware and responding appropriately and that he is being kept alert mentally. How will he cope with the many hours when there are no carers in the house with him?

Ducksurprise · 30/10/2023 16:14

Can the home he is in cope with worsening dementia?

With kindness I don't think a supportive living flat is the answer because it is likely to be so short term.

Why is he in the care home now- you don't need to tell us but seriously consider the reasons he is there- the fact he is in one now points to the fact he isn't coping.

A big problem with home carers and dementia is that they won't realise if they don't turn up- are you able to be there/take calls from them to confirm they are. What is he doing for the 22/23 hours the carer isn't there?

Frangipaniflower · 30/10/2023 16:16

We took my father out-of a care home as he was so unhappy and have carers coming in a few times a day and at first an all night carer. The care company provides live in carers for 1500 which was only a little more than the care home. Perhaps you could look into this option.

CameleonAreFightingBack · 30/10/2023 16:17

Why did he end up in a car home?

Something must have happened and I think k this is crucial to see whether him staying is a good idea or not.

he needs someone to remind him to take his medication, to cook for him, order repeat prescription, wash his clothes and clean

I’m chronically ill and that probably describes where I am quite well. No one would think I belong to a care home. In house support (a PA and/or a cleaner) yes. A care home No.
So the issue here isn’t that. And if he can pay for 8 years if care home fees, hell be able to pay fir that type if help.

So It’s more about whether he’ll need care home support quite soon.
And the reason why he is there now will be laying a part.