Elderly parents struggling - residential apartment for them both with care if needed? Does such a thing exist?

[DonnaE3567]

Hi this situation is all new to me and I'm having to deal with it on my own as my sister emigrated many years ago. My parents are 82 and 83 and are increasingly struggling. Dad is very frail and mum has lots of health issues. She is now saying she is struggling to stand up and cook. They want to sell their house - they can no longer get up the stairs so the bedrooms upstairs are just used for storage. They have made a reception room downstairs into a bedroom. I tried to encourage them to do this 6 years ago but they didn't want to at that time. But they're now saying they're ready. They've lived there 30 years but have never really loved it and won't be sad to leave. Things are starting to go wrong and they are finding it hard to maintain. It will need to be cleared, decorated and sold - this doesn't worry me too much as my husband and I can do this. They want to find somewhere they can live together in an apartment on a complex with facilities onsite if they want to use them - and also a cafe/dining room for when they don't want to cook. And physical care for when they need it - I feel this time is coming. Sadly I'm thinking I will probably only have them for another 5 years or so - and one will not cope without the other living where they are now. After selling their house they will probably be left with around £230,000. We've seen a lovely place which seems to tick all their boxes but it's looking like it will cost over £5K a month for them both! What happens when/if their money runs out? They don't want a warden controlled apartment as my nan was in one of those and the fees were extortionate and selling it was a nightmare. Thanks for any advice.

My parents rented an apartment through this provider for the last five years of my dad's life. They loved it there. There had a 2 bed flat with on site mgrs, lounges for social events, communal gardens and a restaurant, hairdressers and church. There was also an on-site care team who they made use of as they became more unwell. I imagine there are also other similar providers. If you need to know more about local options from other providers social services may be able to help.

www.housing21.org.uk

They want to find somewhere they can live together in an apartment on a complex with facilities onsite if they want to use them - and also a cafe/dining room for when they don't want to cook. And physical care for when they need it - I feel this time is coming.

To clarify, my parents were in the extra care housing which is what it sounds like your parents need or soon will.

There are more and more retirement villages, with facilities such as cafe / canteen / restaurant (and many other facilities) on-site, but, as you already seem to be aware, there can be issues when it comes time to sell afterwards.

They are not usually nursing homes though - although it is possible to have carers coming in to support them as and when that is needed, just as it would be in their own home.

Social Services will know if there any places run by charities in your area that are cheaper. There is one near where my mum lives that's about £900 a month for a one bed apartment. Mum has friends there and wanted to move there after dad died but they don't take people who already have dementia.

Definitely an Extra Care scheme - we also had a great experience with www.housing21.org.uk for an elderly relative. They had their own flat but with carers, support staff and a restaurant on site (if they wanted to use it) plus other facilities. They needed very little care at the start but it ramped up. With an Extra Care scheme needs can often be met for much longer than in sheltered accommodation. Our relative, even though very ill at the end, didn't have to move which was a great comfort to them. They also had a whole new lease of life for a few years after they moved in and a great social life etc.

My step father in law lives in an assisted living flat after a stroke.
It has an emergency call button, he has carers twice a day, they organise loads of activities and even lunch in the dining room.

Have a look at anchor Hanover. Price wise I think it's around £1200 a month

Do they have an income sufficient to pay rent in one of these places, in addition to the lump sum they will get from selling their house?

No one has answered your question - what happens if they run out of money while living in what’s essentially a private rental? I’d be interested in the answer. Presumably, if they can’t pay their rent, they will have to leave and find cheaper accommodation. (I’m assuming they are looking to rent rather than buy?)

So - in the absence of a crystal ball - they need to make a choice that’s sustainable in the long-ish term, though that is hard when there’s no way to predict what will happen in terms of health / care needs 🤷‍♀️. I’m guessing that part of the planning will be to look at their income, and their likely monthly costs if they were to move into such a place.

the Housing 21 project looks excellent, no doubt there will be more and more of these kinds of services appearing as the UK population ages.

Just be careful with McCarthy & Stone type places, a nightmare to sell.

On the ‘if they run out of money’ question, it really depends on the individual situation in terms of how significant their care needs are at that point in time. SS will always prefer to pay carers to pop in four times a day rather than fund a residential place. But if they require nursing care, that’s different. C’est compliqué 🤷‍♀️

@DisforDarkChocolate

I’ve heard that several times. why are they such a nightmare to sell ? Is it specify to M & S or is it retirement flats in general ?

Talking from experience.
You need Extra Care accommodation. One that also accepts benefits when required. That way if the funds run low they won't have to move because benefit can step in.
Housing21 and Anchor are options; you may have other more local options to you

Try looking on https://housingcare.org/elderly-uk-sheltered-housing - this is part of the elderly accommodation counsel and lists a lot of possible sites by location. If you click for more details it'll tell you what's available at each site, so they do explain where care is available and where has a cafe/bistro on site.

Some will be council-run, some will be by charity/not-for-profit providers (eg Anchor Hanover, Housing 21, MHA, Abbeyfield) and some will be private providers who do make a profit (eg Mccarthy & Stone, Churchill) so you will find a huge range of levels of luxury and costs - hopefully there is something sufficiently near your parents that works for their needs and budget.

There's plenty of options around here with this set up from more basic housing association owned to rent through to exclusive developments with on site spas and a selection of restaurants.

@ForthegracegoI

Retirement flats reselling is very market dependent, here they built a lot pre 2020 at different price points and the cheaper ones seem to linger on the market for a while, those choosing this lifestyle want more and more luxury facilities from my experience. For those on tighter budgets there are charity and housing association complexes where you rent, no gym, sauna or French restaurant though

As others have said, they may qualify for Extra Care housing. They pay rent and, if they run out of money, they can claim housing benefit. Contact your local ASC team and they will let you know where the scheme are and the application process.

The M&S type options don't have care on site.

Just make sure you make the right choice, which is difficult when both have different needs. I work in supported living where residents receive differing amount of care according to their needs, no nursing staff in this service.
From what I see too many people end up moving out sometimes relatively quickly, as either they have not been assessed correctly for appropriate care. Possibly at the time of being assessed they have presented in better health or family have not been honest.
This means more upheaval where the person now needs to move on to a nursing home. Let alone the expense families have gone to carpeting and furnishing the accommodation. Just make it the right choice.

They definitely exist, and not at McCarthy and Stone prices!

Your local social services should have a list. But I've had a couple of elderly relatives in something similar - one was independent living in units built the grounds of a nursing home so you could buy in food from the home if you wanted, or do your own, or a mixture. And eventually move into the home if nursing care needed.
The other was more like individual flats where you could go to a communal dining room if wanted, or do your own food in a small kitchen in your flat. That one was via a local housing association.

At 82 and 83 with the beginnings of care needs they are not going to be able to organise a flat purchase themselves. Organising a rental for them would be much less work for OP than organising a purchase.

Plus at those ages one or both of them could realistically have a medical event very soon which makes residential or nursing care needed. Then OP would have to organise a sale.

Renting is much easier to end that a purchased house and OP will already have the emotional stress of dealing with the parents' declining health. My parents moved from an owned property into a rented Housing 21 Extra care apartment and I was grateful after my dad died that 'all' I had to do was find my mum a care home and give 4 weeks notice on and clear the flat. No long drawn out sale.

There is a thread on here at the moment by a woman whose relative died and the family are still having to pay for the home. Be very very very careful if your mum buys something like that.

Thanks so much for your advice everyone. I spent a lot of time researching and did actually find them a lovely retirement apartment to rent which they loved and were all set to go for it and they've now changed their minds about moving and want to stay where they are. I give up trying to help them.

Sorry to hear that Donna, but it’s by no means unusual. The upheaval is overwhelming and downsizing throws in a whole extra layer of decisionmaking and acceptance of change. I’m guessing you are on the path to carers, which may work out fine (even if it’s not the most rational route).

Another cheer for ExtraCare here. OP, my parents were very reluctant, but in the end mum had a fall and they caved. OP, I know it's impossible, but chances are yours will have to move in the end. For mine it was a brilliant move. Dad's since died, but the Village staff were amazing when he was ill. Mum is still loving her flat and has made so many new friends. She's in her late 80's and busier than I am!

Try to be patient with them - the fear of change is real, even more so as people get old.

When the next issue comes which shows their current home is no longer practical they will remember the place they almost moved to. In the meantime if the site has a restaurant take them there for a meal if you can, or if there is a social event happening there take them so they start to see what their life could be like.

My mum got cold feet after they had already taken a rental lease on their Housing 21 apartment but were still living in the property they owned. We were going to decorate it and hoped she would like it more when it was redecorated. Then one day she said to my dad 'ok we will give it a go' and, at 78 with heart failure, he organised a man with a van and moved the bed, wardrobe, dining table, sofa and their clothes in within 24 hours. She spent a few weeks asking if they were going home and said she didn't like it but as it got made more comfortable and she got to know people she started to love it. We never did redecorate though.