Elderly parents living in uninhabitable home

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Posting to try and get some thoughts on what to do, feel very worried but completely helpless.
My parents are in their 80's and are physically very well considering their age.
They have been living in the same house for over 60 years, and in all this time have never once had a contractor of any sort to do work on the house. My dad (87yrs) was very capable at diy and literally did everything, built new kitchens, bathrooms fixed the roof, sorted out any issues etc.

However it has become clear in the last couple of weeks that there are some serious issues with the house, central heating not working (some work around set up with elec heaters) hot water not working for several days (although as with heating he seems to have fixed this but for how long I don't know), and perhaps most worryingly the toilet is not working and seems major issue with pipes so is not something he will be able to fix (using camping equipment instead as toilet...).
I'm stop reeling from finding out the extent of the above, and do not think that they can continue to live in these conditions.

My dad, is probably on the autistic spectrum and has for his whole life been a very difficult man to interact with. He has no friends, and has alienated all family over the years except for myself and my brother. He and my mum live a very isolated life in their own bubble. My mum is very submissive and just goes along with everything my dad says. I have regular but fairly limited contact with them, partly because I am no-longer allowed inside the house (since the pandemic dads paranoia of catching covid - but also I suspect a way of controlling my seeing how much the house has deteriorated)
To add to the issues I am also concerned my dad is showing some signs of early dementia.

In an ideal world we would like my parents to move out of the house into a much more suitable flat /bungalow. Whilst not rich I think they would have the money to pay for rental if not able to buy somewhere. My brother suggested this to them, and had some examples from estate agents of possible ideas. But my dad just flat out would not entertain the idea and claims that everything is fine. If it were just my dad on his own I would be tempted to leave him too it, but it is my mum I am most worried about. She is 83 and could still have a good few years and a decent quality of life ahead of her. But not in the existing living arrangements she won't . It feels like things are starting to go rapidly downhill for her.

Could anyone suggest how to progress this to get my parents into suitable accommodation? Do you have a similarly 'difficult' parent who you have been able to reason with?
What is the point at which to involve social services and what if anything would they be likely to do?
Any help would really be appreciated

My dad moved at 83 and created a new life for himself in the new location. It depends on the person and their willingness to do things for themselves, not on their age.

If they don't want to move and still have capacity, then there isn't anything either you or social services can do.

Adults, unless they lose capacity, can make whatever decisions they like, no matter how wrong-headed anyone else thinks those decisions are. It is their life, to live as they choose.

So for now, I'd accept that they are going to stay put (but gentle propaganda to persuade them to change their mind would be OK - just make sure you don't bang to to an extent that it becomes counter-productive)

And put your main effort in to getting someone in to do the essential house maintenance

"My mum is very submissive and just goes along with everything my dad says."

I don't know how the SS system works but it sounds like she's living in appalling conditions due to the total control of your father. Is there a way SS would consider a welfare check on her?

This is the advice from Age Concern:'contact the local council in the area where the person lives and raise an 'adult safeguarding' concern. This should be done with the consent of the person wherever possible.If that's not possible, or you feel that seeking consent would create more risk, then you can contact the council without the consent of the person at risk.'

If they don't want to move and still have capacity, then there isn't anything either you or social services can do

That's not entirely true. As I've said upthread there is an inherent jurisdiction on the state to at least try and engage them to improve things.

Even if they don't engage then the risks should still be assessed and if at a high enough level of risk considered under s.42 of the care act as a safeguarding concern.

The OPs parents also can't create a public health risk to others through poor sanitation/ fire risk/ risk of building collapse.

Not sure if helpful, but there are ways that local authorities can intervene. https://commonslibrary.parliament.uk/unsightly-and-derelict-housing/

It seems such a shame, in a housing crisis, that there are so many large properties falling into disrepair. I see it all the time in my neighbourhood. The whole neighbourhood suffers.

Part of the problem is the narrative or ideal of staying in your own home until the very end of your life. The government is committed to and promotes this. If it became normal for the elderly to move to smaller properties, ideally with warden supervision, the quality of their and their families’ lives would improve.

If it became normal for the elderly to move to smaller properties, ideally with warden supervision, the quality of their and their families’ lives would improve. It is normal, isn’t it? Without trying, I can think of 6 people/couples in my social circle who have downsized.

In our area, all the new builds are “5 bedroom executive homes”. If I downsized, it would be to a small 3 bed, which are in shortage in our area. It would also make my life far less enjoyable than it is, unable to run the community group that meets in my house, losing the garden I’ve nurtured for over 30 years, losing all the produce from that garden. When I can’t cope, I will move.

Fair enough. I take your point. There is a sizeable proportion of the retired population who do think ahead, planning for a time when they will not be able to do much maintenance and also thinking about the burden they might place on their children if they continued to stay in a large property.

However, I can also think of multiple examples of ‘the only way I’m leaving this home is when they carry me out in a box’.

I also agree re the ‘5 bed exec house’ phenomenon. I’ve always liked those little alms houses and wondered why we don’t have more of those. I can fully appreciate though that part of the fear of downsizing might be the thought of having neighbours very close. That fear is justified. Way too many horrible people (just look at the threads on parking issues) out there. I’ve got one next door, actually, who wrote to my employer twice to say I was a criminal (I’m not).

I've been through all of this a while ago and there is some really good advice here. I can't say there are things I wish I'd known - because I knew them at the time but felt very guilty that I couldn't do more - but here goes.

You probably can't fix this. As people have said, they have capacity, and the general sense is that it is generally the most stubborn who end up in this situation. All you can do is wait for a crisis.

It's really not uncommon, so much so that it has a name, Diogenes Syndrome. Or as one person put it, when being an eccentric person hardens with age. I found knowing that it was a 'thing' made it easier to deal with. But by the time they get to this stage it is not generally seen as curable.

It might be better not to intervene anyway. When people are removed from this situation, they are two or three times more likely than average to die (as @Milarky describes). My mother had a small stroke, was in hospital with nothing very specific but died after just a few days - because I think she would not have been able to bear not being independent. And perhaps also because I had seen her house, which I won't describe but was terrible.

It's almost impossible to get anyone to help you anyway if they are private owners. In theory the council can help, but they have no resources. The only people who might help are the Fire Service, but only if there is hoarding, as this can be a huge risk to life. To my mind, the only way you might be able to get help is for your mother as a vulnerable adult, but even then, it will be hard.

DM me if you want to talk.

Going out on a limb here but they are all like that, to a lesser or greater extent. That generation's stubborn refusal to future proof infuriates me. It's like they are all sort of collectively borderline deranged. Massive wrinkly children.

Never ever will I inflict that sort of burden onto my own children. When they are mid-life they will have plenty of other things to focus on, and so they should.
It's been absolutely awful with my in-laws, at one point DH had to go to A&E with chest pain due to the stress. Mostly linked to their crumbling house with 1950s wiring and plumbing, and half a century's crappy DIY meaning carers, when they were needed, barely wanted to enter.
Lots of great advice above, sorry if I sound angry. It's been crap.

Never ever will I inflict that sort of burden onto my own children Many of the older generation said the same. But 20 years later they’re convinced that they only ask their DC to do the odd tiny job, and that their DC make far too much fuss.

OMG thats just awful.....

I had similar with my Dad maybe not quite as severe with the toilet thing.
His legs are bad and he just could not get in the bath anymore or use the shower in there.

So I applied for a disabled grant. Came back that he had to pay £200 towards getting an adapted shower room done (Actual cost was £3000). He went mad "£200 for a shower, thats robbery" Good grip on costs my Dad has!

So he decided he just wouldnt wash rather than spend any money (hes got £40K+ in the bank). That went well - he was buzzing!

Same with is living room carpet. It was 20+ years old threadbare and he fell over it a few times. Nope not spending any money carpets last longer than 20 years according to him.

Stair lift. Same. Nope. Peed in a bottle in the kitchen (I never asked about numbers 2s). Got upstairs to bed albeit slowly mind.

I tried social services, his GP not interested. Basically, hes an adult of sound mind, if he decides its ok and doesn't want to spend money thats up to him.

I got so stressed about it all. In the end, he did give in and get all these things sorted. (Still pees in a bottle in the kitchen because he can't be bothered to go up the stair lift- its lovely when you're elderly Dad drops his kegs and says one sec you don't mind do you?)

These days I offer to help. If he says no then I think stuff him. Most times months later he'll change his mind. Hes still got £40K+ in the bank which he cares more about keeping than his own comfort at home. Stuff him.... I learned its not worth me stressing over. If something ends up killing him that I've offered to sort and hes been too stubborn to agree then thats his fault....

Ok. I dealt with this exact situation.

Short story - one parent ended up being sectioned (to be assessed for dementia). I moved the other parent close to me.

Parent 1 spent a year in a hospital then moved to a care home. They do have dementia. Surprisingly, they love the care home and their mental and physical health is much improved. For the first time ever, they are sociable (like the OP I suspect undiagnosed ASD)

The other parent now lives alone at their wish. They are understandably sad at losing their partner of nearly 60 years in this half fashion.

I involved social services. I contacted them and the GP stating my concerns. GP called parents in for a review. The social services received a GP report and invited them in - parent with dementia refused to go and it escalated until sectioned for assessment then again for treatment. I presented social services with photos of the inside of the home - parent with dementia was also a hoarder. Huge level of disrepair.

No POA in place so I went for Deputyship. Took a while. I have a solicitor who I am very happy to recommend if anyone wants to pm me. She was great, and handled the case very well.