Trying to support parent with suspected hearing loss

[HousePlantNeglect]

Over the past few years I suspect that my DM (68) had been suffering from hearing loss. I noticed that she isn't hearing a large part of a conversation and is filling in the blanks. This is causing an awful lot of misunderstanding between us and adding a lot of strain to our already quite difficult relationship.

She lives alone (has been single since I was born and I'm an only child) in our home city a few hundred miles from me. She has isolated herself from her siblings and is quite arms
length with me. But she has a nice relationship with my three small DC so I regularly have her down to visit us and she stays a week or so at a time.

Over the past few years I've pointed out the issues we're having communicating and suggested a hearing test. She point blank refuses as she 'doesn't want to be sold hearing aids' and also 'everyone says they are rubbish' (everyone being three of her siblings who also suffer significant hearing loss). She is like this about almost everything that she evidently needs help for. With everything else I've taken a step back as I understand ultimately it's up to her whether she wants to accept help when her roof is leaking/windows need replacing/kitchen is damp. But this feels like something that is going to further isolate her if she doesn't get some help for.

Does anyone have any positive/negative stories to share about hearing aids? Or can point me in the direction of any resources that might help me communicate better with her if she doesn't have her hearing investigated?

Dh has hearing loss, to speed things up he had a test at Boots then took results to GP and was then referred to audiology. He has free nhs hearing aids which make a huge difference to him and are easy to use. My elderly neighbour got some recently and could not believe how wonderful it was to hear the birds again and she was shocked that so many of her floor boards creak! You cannot forcer her but having them makes such a difference. You do not need to pay for them.

Spec savers are free in nhs. Boots I know charge but are better and you get 90 days to take them back, we took one back at 89 days with no problem. My MIL had left it too late to get them, it drove her mad as she said she could hear us turning the newspaper

@mumonthehill thanks for the positive stories. Absolutely, I can't force her. But just looking for some anecdotal evidence to perhaps gently counter her 'they are all rubbish' anecdotal evidence. I've absolutely no idea myself one way or the other so good to hear from others.

@141mum Do you mean she'd gone so long without hearing background noises that it bothered her when she could hear them
again?

I'm 68 and have had hearing aids for 2 years. You do hear background noises very loudly at first but get used to them after a while. I could bear the sound of the wind at first- wearing a woolly headband type thing helped - but its fine now.

Hearing loss is likely to be of the higher frequencies. How that feels is that you can still hear medium to low frequencies as loud as ever, so you feel there’s nothing wrong with your hearing. But you can’t hear the high sounds if speech like “s”, so you feel people are mumbling. Everything becomes clearer with hearing aids.

Hearing loss increases the risk of dementia. My audiologist says that is because deafness tends to make you drop out of group conversations, it’s just so much easier to sit in the corner and let it drift over you, so correcting hearing with aids is worth it from the dementia point of view.

I don’t notice my aids once they’re in, I check whether they’re there by putting my fingers in my ears. No-one else notices them either, DC were most surprised when I told them a year later.

NHS aids are perfectly good and discreet. Mine have different settings for speech, phone and tv, and a volume control. Specsavers fit hearing aids on behalf of NHS and I had no pressure to go private. No charge for the aids, batteries are free too.

Brain has to get used to them, so better to go now rather than to wait.

There are on-line hearing tests which are good at telling you you really should get a proper test. I went via GP who checked I had no wax then referred me.

Would it motivate her at all if you pointed out that untreated hearing loss is linked to a higher risk of dementia?

https://rnid.org.uk/hearing-research/hearing-loss-and-dementia-how-are-they-linked/

@exexpat @MereDintofPandiculation thanks for this information. Yes, I'm aware of the link with dementia and it's what worries me the most. I've tried to discuss this aspect of it with her but she thinks I'm being ridiculous and won't engage at all (I guess because she doesn't think she has any hearing loss at all).

It's good to hear some positive experiences with hearing aids though so thanks everyone for those responses

I have hearing aids free on the NHS via Specsavers (GP referred) due to relatively recent hearing loss relating to COVID infection.

I had to try drops first and the practice nurse checked my ears before referring me. Without them I couldn't work, it has also made a big difference to my communication with my family as I couldn't hear my children properly when they spoke to me. Most people don't even notice I am wearing them.

Adding to what others have said - a relative has got free NHS hearing aids via specsavers. hearing has definitely improved .

Some of the very expensive hearing aids can actually be difficult to use (have many settings).

It can be difficult though- my grandad didn't wear them and was stone deaf in latter years and didn't really communicate as a result.

It sounds cruel but I'd recommend not making too many allowances for the hearing loss. We did this with a family member and in hindsight it was the wrong thing to do as it allowed them to continue their denial and developing unhelpful coping mechanisms.

Don't shout to be heard, don't turn the TV up to an antisocial volume for example. They need to accept the reality of their situation and seek proper help to manage it.

@Choconuttolata sorry to hear about your hearing loss but glad the aids are working for you. Could I ask, was it you who first noticed that your couldn't hear your family members well? Or did they notice first?

My Mum is absolutely insistent she isn't mishearing/not hearing me, so of course there is a chance I'm barking up the wrong tree here. But obviously a hearing test would rule that out if she would go for one!

Would the 90day free trial at Boots work with an emotional arm twist from the GC?

Next time she visits you, have an appointment made at your local Boots for the first morning, asks that she tries them just while she is visiting you as the dc really want her to be able to hear them..then if she really doesnt get on with them, return and get the money back. At that point you will probably have to leave her to it.

My DF was the same. Stubborn refusal. He eventually agreed to get NHS hearing aids, which weren't brilliant for him for various reasons - the main one being that he wouldn't engage with the process properly. Now he has expensive ones from Boots which are a zillion times better. But to get to this stage took literally years and years.

He absolutely adores his GC and the thing that finally persuaded him to try the fancy hearing aids was me on repeat telling him that the GC just asked him a question/told him a funny joke/asked for a cuddle and he didn't hear them. Emotional blackmail really, which is terrible but at least it worked. When he rang me up for the first time using his fancy bluetooth hearing aids and told me he could hear the birds singing and he'd kind of forgotten that they sang at all, I cried. Sadly though, he left it too long and is now very isolated and has depression and I suspect the start of dementia.

If your DM needed glasses, would she visit the optician? I kind of think it's the same principle. I'm much younger than your DM and I know my hearing is starting to fail. I get it checked regularly and will be getting hearing aids as soon as I'm advised to.

@SeaToSki I'd absolutely love it if it would. But her head is so deeply buried in the sand she won't even entertain it even if I book an appointment/manage the situation for her (see also home repairs/writing a will/switching to a cheaper broadband provider etc etc). For whatever reason she feels I'm bossy and controlling and so she has to come around to it herself if it's likely to have a chance of success.

Good to know about the free trial though, ill certainly look into it and let her know it's an option.

@Readerofwords thanks for sharing this, I'm glad he came around in the end but sorry to hear he is struggling.

The glasses analogy is a great one thank you.

Don't shout to be heard, don't turn the TV up to an antisocial volume for example. It's not very helpful for the person either - it turns up the low frequencies to an anti social level and drowns out the high frequencies. I don't find it any easier to hear if people shout at me.

OP, would she go and have a free trial if you were to have one too?

Hi OP.

I was born severely hearing impaired. Some very basic advice is: don't have loud background noise like a TV or music playing, and make sure that when you are talking that your mother can see your face. I need to see people's faces to make sense of what they're saying. It's more than 'lip reading' - it's more like 'face reading'.

The link with dementia is complex. Does your mum go online, watch documentaries on TV, do puzzles and crosswords? All these have a protective effect. Does she walk, garden, go to the shops, drive? I've turned 60 and I still feel that I have a very busy life, albeit a lot of it is online.

It was my family who told me I couldn't hear them.

@AutumnCrow thank you this is very helpful information. We rarely have the tv on but sometimes the radio and my little kids can be very loud. So if there is something important she needs to know I'll try minimise that background noise.

She's aging amazingly. She is in really good physical physical shape-walks everywhere, rides her bike, rarely drinks, doesn't smoke, gardens-so a huge amount to be grateful for. I think it's the combination of her being quite a solo person (by choice and that's entirely up to her), family history, then plus the possible hearing loss that makes me worry a bit about her mentally. But you're right, it's a bigger picture

Family friend needed hearing aids at a similar age and loves them. She was particularly impressed by being able to link them to her phone via blue tooth - so the phone call or whatever is played directly via the hearing aids and is crystal clear because then it’s just amplifying the digital sound signal from the phone and not all the other external sounds.

@HousePlantNeglect Maybe as a previous poster mentioned, the 'family history' is the way to go with this. Actually I would, if I were you, have my hearing checked regularly anyway. Let her know you're going to do it for yourself, and that it's perfectly routine now.

She might be a bit embarrassed, she might be in denial - but, you know what, she might just be comfortable with her hearing loss. I would encourage her to stay in touch with developing tech, though, if she isn't already au fait with tech around ear buds, headphones, voice-to-text, and just playing with a lap top / I-Pad etc to join chats about various interests. Your mum does sound pretty switched on though tbh.

And hearing aids when grandchildren are excited - not for everyone

I'd nagged my DH for a couple of years about his hearing. I'd lost count of the number of times he gave me or someone else a completely wrong answer to a question or just failed to answer someone at all as he didn't realise they'd spoken. Eventually he went for a private hearing test to someone who was recommended by a friend (who had hearing aids). The test showed some hearing loss (no shock there) and the audiologist put some hearing aids in DHs ears and told him to go and get a coffee in the cafe over the road and see what he thought. DH was absolutely stunned at how much he could hear - he could hear all the conversations of the people on adjoining tables! There was no pressure selling and DH said he'd have a think about buying aids. He's still done nothing but at least acknowledges he has a problem now. He is promising he'll make a GP appointment to get an NHS referral.

I can give you a v positive story about hearing aids, but I can also tell you why it won't help your mother.

I started wearing aids in my early 50s. Suddenly, I could take part in meetings again, hear birds singing in the morning, hear music in all its beauty. Etc.

none of this, I fear will help your mother. Learning how to live with hearing aids is hard, the older you are, I suspect, the harder it gets. I had to 're learn that the ticking of a clock, the rustle g my clothes as I moved, the hum of the electric equipment, the general background noise that life entails, can be ignored.

this is really hard to do, even if, like me, you are highly motivated. I had moments when I had to get up and walk out of my office because the sensory overload just got too much.

the problem is, for you and your Mum, that there appears to be a correlation between hearing loss (that is not corrected) and dementia. I think the link is maybe due to the inevitable isolation hearing loss can lead to.
Sorry, none of what I've said is helpful in afraid.

If suggest looking at Action for Hearing website for aids other than direct hearing aids, to help your Mum communicate. And of course, hearing aids are free on NHS.

DH is going deaf and won't have a bar of it.

It's a very sensitive subject for him but truthfully I am frankly sick to the back teeth of being his personal hearing aid. We had a family gathering a couple of weekends ago and I spent the entire time repeating conversations to him, which means I'm then not joining in myself either.

I wish there was a simple answer.

I had moments when I had to get up and walk out of my office because the sensory overload just got too much.

This I understand. Life seems very noisy these days - people shouting into phones, neighbour noise, amplified music, train horns, smoke alarms, house alarms, car alarms, helicopters, barking dogs, loud engines, drivers idling engines outside one's house while a loud-voiced person takes a lengthy call through open windows ... it's not exactly Trumpton.

What @SkyFullofStars1975 says is where it hits the line and starts to cross it, really.

I am frankly sick to the back teeth of being his personal hearing aid

No-one is required to be someone else's support human.

He needs to sort it out, Sky, or let you help him to sort it out - but doing nothing is not on if he can't manage without dumping his problem on you.