Elderly parents in ill health

[lifeis48]

My parents health is declining. Both at home with my adult sibling who has learning difficulties. They haven’t a great marriage. Father not supportive of mother’s mental health problems she has had for over 30 years. My father has had undiagnosed ill health for over a year. My mother has depression, comfort eats and is getting very slow, not mobile at all. It’s not been an easy life for her I acknowledge that. My relationship with her has not been easy at times. She talks to me like I’m a child and says hurtful things like ‘I may as well not have a daughter’ if she feels I haven’t been in contact enough. Tbh I find it difficult being in her presence. Do not want to visit as their house is dirty and has started to smell. I have offered to come help her clean it…I got back ‘I can’t smell anything, you’re awful, no you are not helping to clean it etc etc. She is a difficult woman. I don’t know how many times I can keep feeling how I do when she always criticises me. How do I deal with all this.

Would they consider a daily carer, maybe just for 'domestic' stuff at first? Social Services can come out and assess if they're not coping.

No they wouldn’t consider this. If I offered to pay for someone to even do a deep clean they’d be offended. Don’t have visitors as mother is ashamed but doesn’t clean much as she had ‘no energy’. Father hates any stranger in even to decorate. It’s a sad situation.

She talks to me like I’m a child and says hurtful things like ‘I may as well not have a daughter’ if she feels I haven’t been in contact enough. Stop thinking of her as a mother, more as an elderly woman that you’re observing. You won’t get her approval so don’t seek it. Just note down she’s made a remark that you as a daughter would find hurtful, but you’re not being her daughter, you’re an independent observer, so it doesn’t hurt … you need to emotionally detach yourself, and I think that’s the way I do it.

They’re entitled to refuse help - they’re entitled to make bad decisions. But what they’re not entitled to do is land the consequences of those decisions on you. Stand back, and let them take the consequences. We all have to do it! I was surprised how non-condemnatory Social Services were. Dad’s house was merely a sign he wasn’t coping, there was no hint that I’d failed as a daughter. And neighbours and relatives have no idea of what’s going on so you can ignore their opinions.

Ta for your reply. It’s difficult to watch their decline. The state of your house obviously impacts your mental health. I just know if they weren’t so stubborn and set in their ways, they could accept help with the house and would feel so much better in a clean tidy environment

It is difficult to watch the decline. But as dint puts it they have the right to make poor decisions.
Just be ready with some options when/ if they are ready to accept them. And protect yourself.