I need a rest

[JustACountryMusicGirlInCowboyBoots]

I'm a carer for my mum. I'm there 5 days a week mostly depending what she needs and what else she has on with friends or other family. Other family see her quite rarely but she sees a friend once a week or at least once a fortnight.
I'm getting nothing done at home and need some time off to get up to date with my own house. How do I go about getting someone in for a week to do the things I do for my mum?

The things I do are:

Cleaning
Emotional support
Gardening (she does have a gardener but not often enough)
Laundry
Shopping
Appointments
Helping with finances
IT support
Accompanying her to activities
Accompanying her to appointments
Taking the rubbish/bins out
Changing the bed

Every few months I reach the point where I'm irritable and extremely tired and need a break without any guilt.

How can I do this please?

Can you ask other family members to step up for a few weeks, to give you a break?
Or employ a cleaner on a temporary basis, to keep on top of things whilst you get some rest from it.

is Attendance Allowance claimed? It’s not means tested.

There's no one else to ask in the family.
I'll contact social services tomorrow and see what they say.
I'm not well myself and am a single parent and am just struggling a bit and to be honest feel resentful that a lovely sunny Sunday is going to be downtown doing things at my mum's instead of doing what needs doing at my own house. I hate feeling resentful and then feel guilty 😩

Yes she gets attendance allowance and pays me half of it. The rest goes on paying for transport to and for activities that are for her conditions plus the gardener.

You need to be outsourcing as many of these jobs as she can afford, on a permanent basis, otherwise you're heading for a breakdown.

Financially how is she fixed? Can she afford a cleaner who also changes the beds and does her laundry, and for the gardener to come more often? If she has a big house can she downsize to release funds to pay for care?

Speak to adult social services for advice, and age uk.

She only has her state pension so paying for anyone else isn't an option.
It suits me to work for her but I just need regular days off where I can relax. We are going away in February for 5 days and she's not very happy about it. I'll need to sort something out for then.

Are her conditions such that she could be eligible for respite care so you could get a break? Could she downsize? Would a neighbour take on the garden if they could use it? Take your list of chores and then for next week write down the number of hours doing each. Then see how 'skewed' they are and target the tasks which are the most intense. (It will be emotional support.) Don't give up your holiday. Also when you are at hers assisting, put an alarm on your phone that she can hear. Then when it rings on your phone get up and leave.

So many of us could have written your post. You say she has Attendance Allowance. Are you claiming Carer's Allowance? I know you are not doing it for the money and I would willingly have given up the money I received caring for my own DM just to have the freedom of not being constantly on call.

My DM lived in the granny annex in the garden so I was on call day and night. However she was still assessed as needing additional care from an outside agency and up until the final crisis when she went into hospital she had two care visits a day - morning and evening to get her up and put her to bed. She had extra pensions and had to contribute to the cost but it was means tested, not a fixed rate.

I have been almost where you are - not a single mum but my poor husband felt like a single parent most of the time. Beautiful sunny weather and mum would want me to sit with her while my DH and DD sat in our lovely shady garden reading and relaxing. DM however would want to chat, to go over and over the same topic of conversation again and again.

You need to push for a Care Assessment for her needs and yours.

I did a list and rally a couple of weeks ago but then ds was ill so we didn't go up at the weekend.
It doesn't help that I don't drive and it's half an hours walk each way. Plus taking ds to and from school is 2hours of my day Monday to Friday so 3 hours a day spent walking.
We've discussed before how my working days revolve around when my sister and mum's friend are visiting so I feel like I can't plan much. Mum would never say to my sister that her day isn't convenient. My sister gives my mum a few days notice and her friend anything from 1-5.

"It suits me to work for her but I just need regular days off where I can relax."

If you class it as working for her, how much do you get paid and how many hours do you do? I don't mean to sound mercenary but I would think what you're doing isn't sustainable. If she can dress herself, get her own meals and shower herself then surely 2 x half days a week would be sufficient to help her with other things? You can stipulate which days you're not available for appointments and activities - does she need you to accompany her anyway?

I'm here from around 1030-2 most days.
She can do all her personal care.
She gives me £200 a month and I get the carers element of UC which is £184 or something a month.
If I say right I'm only doing Tuesday Wednesday and Thursday she'd say so and so is coming on that day though or she needs me to go to an appointment on a day I'd not planned on being there.
I feel like I'm being unfair to her but every few months I feel like this and usually end up ill.
My sister lives hearing and drives but she works full time and shifts and is too busy to do anything.
My brothers live hours away. It's just me who can do anything.

Someone correct me if my maths is wrong here but at £384 per month, you'd be working 36.5 hours per month at minimum wage. So that's roughly 9 hours per week. You could condense that into 2 x 4.5 hour days or 3 x 3 hour days at times that suit your childcare schedule. If she wants you to accompany her, then she needs to make appointments that fit in with your life. She also needs to arrange visits from friends to fit around your working week. If she won't then I'd turn up anyway and clean around them or say you can't rearrange your day so those jobs won't get done that week. You could also add a social, family visit with your son once a fortnight, maybe for Sunday lunch or something like that. I think you're being exploited (not saying your Mum realises this) and you need to take control of your life for your own health's sake.

It's not just the hours I'm at mum's though. I might be there 3-4 hours 5 days a week but then I do stuff from home too like internet food shopping, physical food shopping, present and card buying, searching for items on vinted she wants, internet orders for prescriptions, emailing the GP, arranging her transport. There's no stop time in my day and I think that's what is the issue, that I can't switch off. Some weeks I do more than others

Has she had a needs assessment yet? I recommend you join the Mobilise Facebook group for unpaid carers and ask there. All the info and help you need is in there. Loads of support from people in the same boat. No judgement, just friendly, supportive people who understand your situation. Being a carer is emotional, tough and relentless, it helps to know you are not alone.

I hear you, honestly I do. My very elderly mother lives with us and we do everything for her but you have to lay down boundaries or you'll have no life of your own. I honestly advise you to block off chunks of time in your week when you won't be doing anything for her and stick to it. My Mum was watching Downton Abbey and she commented "It must be wonderful to have staff" - we roared with laughter because that's exactly the life she has and we're the staff! If you don't take back control of your life, you'll build resentment as well as make yourself ill. Don't be afraid to disagree with her or upset her. She has to accept that you have a life of your own.

We were in your situation before Mum moved in and it was hard to retain our own time but we did it by prioritising her needs over her wants. Whatever she needs doing, try doing it while you're there in 'her' time and not yours. You can't possibly be at her beck and call 24/7. Tell her you don't have time do any shopping or emailing unless you do it while at her house in her allotted time. Do not feel guilty about that! You have a son and a home of your own to see to.

It is worth her having a SW assessment, she is entitled to one but there is likely to be a waiting list. If you look up her LA and adult social care you will find a telephone number. She would need to consent.

I am a SW, albeit in Wales where policies differ. In our area, she would not meet the criteria for home care but she may be eligible for a few hours a week direct payments; either you could be paid this or a PA recruited. She wouldn’t get a great deal though, it sounds like your provide more support than she needs.
Respite depends. If she has cognition issues, risk of falls, difficulties making meals or food, difficulties with meds etc she may be eligible but if there are no risks and she can meet all of her basic needs, she may not qualify.

She would then need a financial assessment that would look at her income and outgoings. If she has significant savings (23k in Wales, not sure about England) then she would have to pay full costs. If she is on pension credits with no savings, she may not have to contribute at all.

Are there any local non LA agencies that provide support? Volunteer or low cost driving, Age UK, Carers centres, more niche community options in your area? Befriending services? Worth looking into.

I hope that helps a little and good luck.

Perhaps you could buy a freezer for her - cut down on how much shopping you do - buy all the cards and pressies in one go ( vouchers for a local shop?)
Ask gardener to do final winter tidy round. Repeat prescriptions? Delivered by pharmacy? Also hospital would provide transport for appts (we were in Scotland).

my Dm latterly enjoyed popping to the shop daily - Dics appointments were a chance to chat to others in waiting room - it filled her life. Sounds like your DM is the same but expects you to facilitate it.
Why are your DMs needs so much.

I really feel for you. What really stood out for me was the guilt and how you are being made to feel that it’s mean or unfair if you don’t do what your Mum wants. Is that coming from you or her, or a bit of both?

If I say right I'm only doing Tuesday Wednesday and Thursday she'd say so and so is coming on that day though or she needs me to go to an appointment on a day I'd not planned on being there.
I feel like I'm being unfair to her but every few months I feel like this and usually end up ill.

I think you need to try gently but firmly insisting on these boundaries. You are burning out and it’s making you ill. You are not being unfair to only go a few times a week. You should not feel guilty for needing time for yourself and your DH and DC.

It doesn’t sound like your Mum actually needs someone there every day. The things you are doing for her are once/twice a week jobs. I wonder if she is relying on you more than you think, or if she’s become overly dependent on you the more you have been doing.

If so it would be totally reasonable if you to limit the days you go round. It’s OK to step away a bit for your own well-being. Maybe try small steps, like perhaps saying you won’t go round on Sundays / weekends. If she says “so and so is coming” then you don’t go but you don’t switch either.

You mention sister and brother some distance away. Can they come for a long weekend or whole week occasionally to give you a break?

Thank you for all the responses. I haven't had time to look at them properly but I'm on hold yo social services now to chase up the assessment. I was assessed as a carer back in late March and I've heard nothing since but I know they'd done a referral for mum too.
Today is my day off and I've already had 2 calls and now need to do this. It feels relentless.

Mine tries similar but thankfully doesn't live near me!

Turn your phone off or screen calls when you're 'not available'. Mine is set so only DH or DD's school can get through during working hours. If she really needs something she'll try you again later/when you said you'd be available. Or she'll try someone else.

If you agree to be available certain days/times then stick to it. If she then says she has x or y visiting then then either carry on as planned or don't go. Don't just rearrange your visit to a different day. At the moment she's putting other people ahead of you as you're bending over backwards to accommodate her.

The present and card buying - could you turn that into a monthly or every-other-month trip somewhere like a garden centre where she could choose cards and presents for the next two months ahead?

Hello. How much of what you are doing for your mum could she be doing for herself? Is she capable but loving you doing it for her? Does her garden have to be perfect or could the gardener just keep it tidy?
I may be wrong but it seems that she's got you dancing to her tune when it's not completely necessary.
What do you mean by emotional support? My mother loves to grumble and complain and would really enjoy a permanently available listening ear.
I feel you because my mother would have me doing all sorts of things for her and I've had to serious set boundaries regarding what I can do and when.
I will make sure she's ok, but doing too much means they rely on you (so then will social services) Can she afford any private care at all? There are also volunteer befriending services who could get you off the hook for being her social life.
You'll make yourself really ill if you continue like this (I know, because it happened to me)

Ps the carer's allowance doesn't mean you have to be available whenever she clicks her fingers

How did you get on with social services?
You do have to be very clear with them. Your mum will be low priority whilst all her needs are being met (regardless of the impact on you).
Put clear boundaries in place and tell them you are at the point of carer breakdown.
its ok to feel like this btw. As people get older things become more difficult, they become more demanding and it’s no longer the situation you agreed to. Don’t feel guilty.

How old is she?