Giving up work?

[Countrydiary]

Has anyone given up work in part to care for elderly parents?

I feel genuinely burnt out and on the edge after a year of fairly intensive dealing with Mum in hospital (she has a degenerative illness and mobility was worse after hospital so no let up after discharge), then in laws had a medical crisis so DH was dealing with that. I’m an only child and although DH is not, he quickly found out his siblings didn’t help much when there was a genuine emergency with their parents.

Throughout all this I had Aunt who was in a care home and who I was mainly responsible for (was essentially her next of kin as my Mum was too unwell) and she was in and out of hospital and then sadly passed away in June. I’m still dealing with her estate and various things relating to her death.

I am really unhappy at work and realistically it’s the only thing I can cut - I can’t and don’t want to stop helping my Mum and I have primary aged DC who is currently just getting a grumpy, distracted and generally pretty awful to live with Mummy. My poor husband is also bearing the brunt of how stressed I am.

I know about all the risks to pensions, future career etc and being dependent on DH.

I’m also wary about all my time being taken up by parents or in-laws if they know I’m not at work etc.

Financially we could cope, but it obviously would be less money coming in overall and that will have some impact.

It feels ridiculous to be considering this when I successfully worked part time when DC was younger but the stress of that is unlike what I’m experiencing juggling all the medical and caring stuff for my Mum.

Would love some breathing space just for a little while, realistically Mum is likely to be getting considerably poorlier over the next few years with the inevitable end, although we don’t have a clear idea of timescales.

Has anyone else taken time out of work in these circumstances?

You’re aware of the financial implications, so go for it.
I dropped a day at work due to the stress of DM and PIL.

You have to put your own oxygen mask on first before others……what is best for you? Vets on this board have been through so much- and one theme is to not neglect ourselves(easy to say, hard to do)
could you reduce hours? Change role? Take an unpaid carers break? You don’t know whether its a marathon or a sprint.
what can you outsource? Cleaning etc? The theme of ornamental siblings is sadly oh too common.
join the cockroach cafe thread- loads of wisdom and a few laughs there.

Sort of yes.
I ended up having a nervous breakdown.

I do think it's a very different for people like me (childfree) in the sense that people with kids have a better gauge of how they will cope with running around after someone all the time. It does work for a lot of people but I would be wary.

One thing that was key though - I had assumed that if mum deteriorated, she'd get carers in, I didn't plan to do anything particularly intense. But then she had two falls in four days, a broken wrist and was too dizzy to leave her bed, but still wouldn't agree to carers. That's the short version anyway.

So make sure you are clear with what you can and can't deal with, or what you won't deal with.

Depending what industry you're in op it might be worth asking them if you could take a leave of absence. If you're a good long term employee they may prefer that to losing you completely. You've also got kids, have you used the parental leave you're entitled to ? As short term that could just give you some breathing room. Ultimately if you don't take care of yourself the whole house of cards will fall down, so do what you need to do x

Is there an option for you to take a career break for a while to make it easier to return to the workforce when you have more capacity?

Yes I did. Ended up doing it for both my parent and in laws. Ten bloody long years.
if I had my time again, I wouldn’t do it again.

I'd suggest a career break.

Also if you haven't already, speak to Social Services about getting assistance with care for your family members.

If you do you could apply for Carer's Allowance - it's not a lot but better than nothing. I'm guessing you've already done a lot of work around Attendance Allowance for everyone.

You'll manage if you leave work, not worth being burnt out for and not doing anything very well.
Once your gone the water closes over your head and everybody moves on. You may be remembered fondly or not as the case may be but only by a few.
Look after your own...

Thank you so much for all the replies! It is really good to get everyone’s perspective.

@thesandwich I am long term lurker on the cockroach thread - I feel like those on this board really ‘get it’ in a way in real life people don’t unless they’ve been through something similar.

@EmmaEmerald I’m so sorry, I can easily see how you can end up in crisis i situations like these. I hope you’re getting the support and can take the time you need. X

To answer some other questions, career break might be possible in theory but I think wouldn’t be the best solution as leaving now would be tricky in terms of work politics (which I’m more than happy to do if needed, just think career break would be worse of both worlds in some respects).

I’d very much view quitting out right as a career break, as I need a change of employer anyway. Tbf to my current place I’ve had loads of support in terms of time off/dropping hours etc.

I took so long to reply to this thread as I have just applied for another job. This would be slightly more hours, longer commute but I think less stress and more money. I’m in two minds about whether this is worth trade off of less time but am going to see.

in terms of attendance allowance and carers allowance, on my never ending to do list is checking my parents and my dad is receiving this, I’m fairly sure they are. Because my Dad is my Mum’s carer he gets all that money.

She already has carers come in twice a day to do the personal carer stuff but it was a battle getting them to accept them. Realistically long term if my Mum gets worse quickly she might be able to stay at home with significant more care. But it’s more likely to be a slow decline with the need for care home.

I know I’m massively lucky in some ways that my Dad does a lot of the care, but he is on his knees with it all as well so I need to give him breaks as much as anything. He also has massive health issues so arguing with two of them and them disagreeing with each other is a whole other issue!

I would be tempted to change job and prioritise my own life. How much of this is motivated by your job not going in the direction you want and taking a softer option? I’m not implying that you are shirking but if it was a great job you were in right now, you might not want to upsticks and go full time with DM.
ive worked part time for the last 15 yrs and now regret I wasn’t full time for at least part of it. Being available for DParents is a double edged sword.

@Mum5net I know exactly what you mean and I’ve thought the same thing myself. The trouble is if I gave up work it would be for an easier life, as feel like I’ll just go pop with stress long term juggling everything. I guess if I enjoyed my job it wouldn’t seem so much like an extra stress so you’re right, but realistically I don’t know if work can’t be stressy at my level/career. That’s the only option in my life to press ‘pause’ on as I can’t stop doing the school run or dealing with my parents (though I do try with boundaries for the latter).

The trouble with giving up work altogether is then having to go back much later on. It is one thing to do it after kids when you are relatively young, but much tougher in your 50s or 60s. It will also impact funding your own retirement and your husband's.

Is it an option to be part time for a while or take unpaid leave for a couple of weeks to get care really sorted out so you can go back to work full time and can go back to being a daughter again rather than full time carer.

I would consider the following:

• do you really have the mental and physical capacity to take on the full time care of several relatives? are you prepared to do this for the next 5 years, 10 years? is that what you really want your life to be from now on?
• how is that going to impact on your own family?
• You don't like your current job but would finding a new job, maybe part-time be a better option than quitting work all together?

Frankly if it was me I would find a new part-time role to reduce work stress but I would also make it clear that I could not provide constant support for several elderly relatives and that they would need to look into alternative solutions: carers coming to visit them at home or care home.

There are so many sad stories of people who are just burning themselves out by trying to care for increasingly frail and dependent relatives that this is not something you should enter into lightly...

Have you considered cutting down to 4 or 3 days a week and not telling anyone? Using those days purely to recharge your batteries?

I did the opposite thing and took a higher level, FT job that demands more of my time and energy . And applied very firm boundaries with my elderly relatives. Partly I knew from having a child that I need to work to stay sane and feel fulfilled, I am not good at being a full time carer for anybody. Partly stopping work or reducing hours made my immediate family (DH and child) too vulnerable - need to pay the mortgage and my child is only a child once. I grew up in a household where the elderly were prioritised and I'm not doing that to my DD.

Could you have a trial run by taking a career break (my employer offers up to a year unpaid with your job held open) or using the four weeks of unpaid parental leave you're entitled to each year to see what it's like and how your budget works out? I think the danger is that you get more and more sucked into being indispensable to several people who are only going to get more frail and need more of your time.