Dad - and he likes being in control

[paulfoel]

Mentioned problems I have with Dad in other threads but this is something he does all the time.

I'm in my 50s, got my own family. Travelled all over europe with work. I'm not a kid.

Yet Dad still feels the need to tell me how worried he is when I go on holidays etc. To Florida etc. Its just bizarre.....

And I dare not sneeze in his house. That'll bring about weeks and weeks of flapping... He'll phone me to tell me to go to the doctors, what am I taking, how am I feeling? Yes hes concerned but its way OTT. I'm 50+ year of age and my wife is a nurse - Im not going to drop dead.....

Its like hes got to be in charge and in control.....

Always remember once I had a chest infection. It wasn't nice but I've got no other health conditions so hey ho. Dad phoned and phoned, I'd lost my voice, last thing I wanted was to speak to him all the time. So I said look Dad, I'll call you in a few days, leave me rest etc.

So sleep planned next day. 10am my mobiles ringing. I ignored it. 70+ phone calls in the next few hours..... Then my facebook starts pinging. I look at it its my brother "why aren't you calling dad hes worried sick about you, stop being so selfish". (yeh we don't speak any more after a few similar episodes).

I did speak to Dad a day or two later and told him how unhappy I was that he can't leave me alone, and he'd caused this argument. His excuse "But, but.... I was worried about you". Thats not normal is it?

Is it possible that he’s actually lonely and bored, and so using these things as an excuse to phone and speak to you?

He panicked. Bit suffocating but you can set boundaries. Does he live alone?
I have daily check in with my 70+ relatives who live alone. You could do that- hey dad how did you do at Wordle?

Don't provide information. Don't tell him if you're going away - don't mention health problems. Just don't give him anything to work from. But I agree, he's not worried, just bored.

He needs to consider that he put his anxiety above your physical health. He was actively causing you harm just to fulfil his need to check in. He needs to learn to live with the unknown, and see a doctor if he needs help getting a handle on his anxious control issues.

Why isn't your brother dealing with him or taking his calls?

I agree that he is probably lonely which fuels anxiety. If he knows you ring two or three times a week and that you will only ring outside these times if there is something wrong, might it put his mind at rest?
Checking in briefly but regularly will help allay anxiety.

@FluffMagnet Tried that. He deffo suffers with anxiety... Tried to tactfully tell him to have a chat with his GP.

All I get is "No bl@@dy way am I letting them lose they'll have me locked up in a padded cell next". No amount of explaining that theres a long way to go from some mental issues to padded cell will do.

I've had mental issues for prob 30 years never told dad. For a good reason!

@Terrribletwos He does to a certain extend but seems better at avoiding Dad than I am!

@Lamelie For my own mental health I can't phone him every day!

@Millybob I do try to minimize info I give him. Try never to sound like I've got a cold on the phone - that never ends well.

Obviously, I need to tell him if I'm away for weeks. I expect grief from that. This year I got "how could you go away knowing I'm so ill" and "What if I collapsed on the floor and you're on holidays". It was funny I pointed out, even if I'm home I'm 30+ mins away so if he collapsed (yes hes got a lifeline) he might be better off getting a medical person there faster than me anyway.

Thats another thing. He had a massive mood on with me the other day about that. He fell over at home, struggled to get up, told me he was calling me next time to pick him up off the floor.

Hes a big fella my Dad, I'm no spring chicken, I've got really bad back issues (and he knows this!) so I said "sorry Dad I can't do that I'm afraid". I honestly don't think I can physically.

Apparently, that makes me a bad son in his eyes.....

@Summonedbybees Oh I do that now. Regular times.....

Absolutely not- but a daily wordle score text or WhatsApp and then you have each others proof of life. It’d avoid the panic like when you couldn’t answer or talk.

Sorry above post responding to the wrong post about daily calls and saying sure, too much…

I would find that very difficult. If I'm ill I usually throw a high temperature for 36 hours, go to sleep and am then fine.

My family, my boss, my friends all know this. No-one needs to do anything unless I haven't surfaced after 48 or 72 hrs. Someone constantly flapping would do my head in. Your df is putting his need to flap before your need to sleep. It's very selfish.
I'd explain it again in those terms. And then turn my phone off.

I would send your brother a dictionary definition of Selfish and Unwell/ill and point out there is a difference between those words. Then stop sharing information, don’t tell family you are going on holiday or not well or etc.

@MintJulia @AdoraBell To be honest this (and glastonbury see below) was sort of the turning point. Now I don't speak to my brother and my wife doesn't speak to either of them. (and I don't blame her and totally support her in this decision)

I've changed a lot but its not always possible.

Anyway, Glastonbury. I said please try not to phone because A) Its middle of field B) my phone charge won't last all weekend daughter is home with Nan and I'd like to make sure she can ring in the event of an emergency.

One day there - phones ringing. I ignored it. I'm hours away, if its an emergency, brother I knew was home. 20 calls. Then my brother text me. "Call Dad". I asked why. "Just call him". So I thought bugger this and ignored it. Then I got all sorts from brother saying how selfish my wife and I were, and a lot worse.

Monday speak to Dad to see what the drama was. He'd had a letter on the Saturday to say his DirectDebit was changing (I'd already told him to expect this - I was moving him to cheaper gas/elec for him) and he was "worried they were going to disconnect him".

I was furious to say the least. Nothing I could have done on a Saturday anyway and he'd caused a massive family argument. I also asked how he thought someone could remotely disconnect his electric like that.

These days I leave him on the expensive tariff. Trying to help Dad backfires because I become the responsible person whos got to sort things out NOW.