DM has dementia, how can I help her when I visit?

[Dogfureverywhere]

DM (90yo) has hearing loss, poor eyesight, dementia and is bedbound in a care home following several strokes. I visit her as often as I can (every couple of weeks) as I work fulltime, and DH is on palliative care. I'm really struggling with visiting her nowadays as she's mostly monosyllabic, can't really follow a conversation due to hearing and cognition issues, recognises my face but doesn't really know who I am. She sometimes asks where her (long dead) parents or my DF is. She doesn't enjoy listening to music or watching tv, and mostly sleeps when any visitors arrive as I think any attempt at conversation quickly wears her out. The carers are lovely with her but it's very difficult having a conversation with her. I've tried looking through photo books with her of her old hobbies and family albums, hand massage and mini facial, video calls with other family, but I'm running out of ideas of things to do together when I visit. Any good suggestions?

It’s hard when she can’t really hold a conversation. I’d try things that don’t need her to respond or participate. I’d also not worry so much about whether she is really following it, but just focus on being there and companionship.

It’s fine to sometimes just prattle on. I can manage about 30 minutes holding my own with random family news.

Did she like the hand massage/facial? If so you could make that a regular thing

Is she happy to be read to? I try short stories or taking a magazine or newspaper and reading things out. Even if she can’t really hear or follow along, just the company may be nice, and it gives YOU something to do rather than just sit there like a lemon feeing awkward.

It does help when my Mum is responsive eg facial expressions. It’s harder when she’s really sleepy or not responsive at all.

Is she happy and content? If so then every couple of weeks to visit may be plenty. I know it’s awful but at this stage of her decline but just being there occasionally and letting her know she’s loved may be enough. You don’t have to stay long even if it’s hard.

If she enjoys the hand massage make that your thing. I find I have the same conversationswith my mum every time I see her as she has no memoryof them so it's always fresh. Though I have to count to 10when ahead asks if I have any holiday planned 29 minutes after I've shown her photos from the holiday I've just returned from that I've told her about umpteen times before I went.

I visit care homes as part of my job ( think safeguarding/ inspection type role). I also used to visit my Dad who was confined to bed and had dementia.

I used to always make sure I took some high calorie food and drink .. creamy yogurts, milkshakes etc and make sure that he ate / drank them whilst I was there.

I would regularly change the photos in his room and made sure lots of them were from the 50s / early part of his married life.Handy for care staff to see and chat about

I had a reminiscence box with old objects from his home.. things he used as a young man eg tools. Tactile objects are good.. I even found his old aftershave . We would talk about the past using the objects of reference.

We would listen to music he liked and when I was leaving I would put the TV onto a channel I knew he would like .. next to the TV I put a list of his favourite TV programmes so staff knew

When my dad was near the end I would take the newspaper and read to him. I don't know if wanted me to but he didn't tell me to stop. I would read outloud as I would have done at home "Hey dad, listen to this ...."

When I visit my mum - very poor sight, doesn't hear very well, dementia - I take treats for her. She likes jellies and soft puddings so she will have a couple of those and a drink. She loves fizzy drink so I take a cup and a bottle of Lucozade or something fizzy she enjoys.

I usually visit with my cousin and we last an hour wittering away to each other and including mum but last week we only lasted 30 mins as she was quite clear she had had enough.

The other thing to add.. I used to visit regularly but for half an hour at a time .. that worked better for both of us but it depends how far away you are as well as your other commitments.

Dont forget your Mum will be stimulated during the day.. carers popping in to feed and change her so she won’t be totally alone all the time.

Looking through a magazine together (can pick something you think she’d like whether that’s Vogue or Horse and Hound) and just gently chatting about the pictures.

With my mum i occasionally do something myself that she might recognise, usually knitting as she was a great knitter. I cant say it's noticeably successful but she sometimes touches the yarn, and smiles if I make a joke about my terrible tension.

I also take her flowers and arrange them for her. I usually give her a stem to hold while I'm putting another into the vase. She will sometimes put the stem in the vase.

I also take a sweet or fruity treat to share and occasionally a fancy drink.

I also massage her feet a bit. They are good at cutting her toenails but a bit slow with her fingernails so I sometimes do that.

Having said all that... your dh has limited time left . You'd have every reason to cut down your visits. What would she say to you if she were still well? My mum would tel me in no uncertain terms to spend the time with him.

This might sound a bit weird but I’d just get her to budge up and jump in beside her. My DM like to hold my hand and be close. No need to chat.
Don’t underestimate how therapeutic it can be with lots going on to have 20 mins next to your mum. It’s much easier than difficult chat. Let the care home team help you get comfy.

My grandad just wanted company. He had Parkinson's as well so I would take him for a 15 minute walk or with the zimmer then when he had to be in a wheelchair I would push instead and listen to his same stories. He loved the quality time that we spent and although it was forgotten that night, it made his day. When we got back I'd make him a cuppa and watch tv in silence before having to leave
His fear was being forgotten about and left alone so I just made sure I went