The remote retirement location

[JasmineButtercup]

I wondered if anyone can relate.

My parent retired to a remote, rural location a long way from major towns and cities. For years I worried about how I would be able to visit regularly while also holding down a full time job. (I am single and child free.)

My circumstances changed and I ended up moving in and wfh. I decided to stay because it removed the problem of not being able to visit easily.

Life is good and we get on well. The only problem is I am always worried about the long term future. Living in a remote location has logistical difficulties. And, eventually, I will have to start my life again somewhere else.

I know so many people of that generation retired to rural areas and to other countries such as Spain. I can’t be the only adult child who eventually moved in and stayed because it was easier than being far away.

I would love to hear from others.

Honestly I think it probably is pretty rare because most people with kids would prioritise their kids over their parents so wouldn’t move their dc ( or indeed themselves) somewhere remote just to facilitate their parents’ poor life choices. But it sounds as though this suited you ( or at least provided a solution for you) at a stage in your life when you needed one so your move wasn’t really initiated by their needs but by yours.

That said, I would move out ASAP before they become dependent on you as it’s going to be much harder to leave once you take on caring responsibilities. Also must get kind of boring and isolated wfh in a remote area.

Ps I know you don’t have kids but what I’m saying is most people in this site do and therefore it would be a consideration for the majority of posters

Thanks @Sparehair that ship has pretty much sailed already. I think if I lived somewhere else I would still be visiting so regularly I would spend my rent money on train tickets and get myself in a mess.

I thought rural would be boring but it’s not at all. It’s like an unexpected midlife adventure that I wouldn’t have chosen for myself. The only problem is the constant nagging worry because this is a transitional phase of life. If I won the lottery I would buy a house nearby and say that’s it, I’m not going anywhere, here until I die.

It is so refreshing to read that you moved in with your parents and as you say, life is good and you get on well. You are so lucky.
Have you discussed your future plans with your parents?
Are your concerns only logistical or are you worried about helping look after your mum or dad should they become ill?

It sounds like you're in the right place at the right time.
The future will take care of itself to a large extent.
Enjoy living rurally until somewhere else becomes desirable/essential.

If you and the children enjoying life there at present, I wouldn’t move but I would try make a plan for the future even if it’s getting prepared for whatever services are and aren’t available . Having power of attorney is a good start , and discussing wishes should anything happen.
Are your parents happy to talk about what happens when, not if , one or both develop life limiting illnesses? If so, great, if not sadly it usually takes a crisis for things to change.
How old are they?

Can you not buy a house nearby? Why does it require a lottery win? You're working and presumably paying no / cheap rent to your parents. If you're happy to stay in the area, but in your own home, can you not make that your goal?

@Fergie51 I’m perimenopausal and a bit anxious so it’s wide ranging worries. My parent is prone to anxiety so we avoid anxiety-making subjects if we can. They do come up occasionally but then we just go round in circles.

Recently, as my parent mentioned that they were worrying about it, I have been worrying about what my next move would be after this stage of life. My parent mentioned that as I would have no ties I could go anywhere in the UK. I guess this then got me worrying about whether I would make the right choices.

At other times I worry about things like house and garden maintenance, ambulance waiting times, parent being stubborn about seeing GP etc.

That’s good advice @Beamur

The timing has worked out well. If I had been younger I would not have been a happy bunny to be living out here.

I think your anxiety is pushing you to imagine all sorts of possible scenarios which may not even happen. I too have anxiety issues and believe me the time and energy I have used worrying over what might happen either tomorrow or in the future is startling.
You are happy living in a rural location, enjoy living with your parents and working remotely. Try not to let your anxieties spoil/hinder the good life you are living now. I know it’s easier said than done.

Thanks @Fergie51

I think my anxiety is the issue here.

The future is so completely unknowable. Change could come quickly, slowly, suddenly tomorrow, suddenly in a decade’s time.

I hope there are others out there who have moved in with elderly parents in interesting locations. It’s a nice thing to think that there might be people living in Spain or in Scottish caravan parks or on boats etc… who never thought they would do such a thing but are now getting the benefit of it.

Are you planning to stay single and child free? If so, it’s entirely up to you how you organise your life. If staying with your parents long term is what you want to do, then it’s your choice.

from your post it sounds like you feel quite obligated to take on a significant role in your parents lives / future care? I confess I’ve never taken that into account in any life plans that I’ve made but (having just read your updates) I am not an anxious person.

Are you an only child? What do your parents expect you to do?

I would consider some kind of new approach to your anxiety. Have you tried mindfulness or the Leaves on a Stream exercise? Maybe a gratitude journal? I'm a fan of Leaves on a Stream myself.

The fact is, right now your life and your parent's life work really well. That's fantastic and something to celebrate. Sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof - maybe aim to deal with problems as they come up. You could always move together in the future, or your parent could move into a city while you stay there. No harm in talking if you don't work each other up doing it.

@PermanentTemporary No, I haven’t tried. I’ll look into that, thank you. With all the rural walks around here it’s the perfect place to try mindfulness. And the situation is working well at the moment (apart from all the worrying!).

@ForthegracegoI I’m open to meeting someone special but no plans for DC. I guess DC would really complicate things, so I should be thankful that’s no longer an option.

Don't have children, but do have partner/career. History but here. Our definition of family is a very recent social construct. A relatively short time ago, the concept of the nuclear family didn't exist. It wouldn't have been considered 'odd' or self defeating to move in with your parents - because they (&, if you were sufficiently wealthy, your servants) would have been considered as part of your family.
One in 5 women - possibly more- will never have children. Are all those women without family?
I'm rambling - what I mean to say is- Don't let contemporary judgements about what is or isn't a family affect your decision. Give it fifty years and for many reasons, our ideas of family and what is an acceptable life's purpose will very likely have completely changed.

History nut. Butter fingers

@JasmineButtercup In a lot of ways having kids makes life less complicated. You make decisions based on what's best for them - schools, staying put and having a stable life etc. And generally you put them first. My sister doesn't have kids, and I actually think that makes it harder to choose a path in life: if you can do pretty much whatever you want, how on earth do you choose between them all? and how do you know what the 'right' choice is?

FWIW I don't think your post is about the remote, rural location: it's about you feeling unsure about your decision to live, alone, with your parents for the foreseeable future. It's not something that people do much in our culture these days. But if it works for you all then that is really all that matters.

One thing I do wonder about is how well you can manage your own anxiety if you are spending 24/7 with an anxious parent.

And I have to say I would chop my own foot off before moving to live with my parents in a Scottish caravan park - can't imagine anything worse! My parents do live rurally, and in Scotland.

@ForthegracegoI I think you’re right. And I’m at that stage in life where my next move might be my last one and there’s way too much choice. So it’s natural I’m wondering about it and wanting some certainty now.

I think two anxious people living together could be an issue as the winter nights draw in. I need to get myself a passion project. I’ve spent the afternoon scaring myself with paranormal documentaries on TV. It did me a lot of good because it was something else to think about.

I suppose the question is how to avoid becoming completely enmeshed? What happens when they need a lot more care and taking to appointments and that becomes impossible alongside working? What do YOU want for the rest of your active life? What happens when they're no longer there? Or if they need to go into a home?

I was living with mine when single and childfree and was heading into a companion type role with friends, relatives and extended family assuming I'd carry on like that. But it was stifling and meant I didn't have a separate life. I found a better job and relocated away from her. At the time it was like the end of the world!

I found my lovely DH and had a child later in life. I developed a successful career. It feels like a much better balance for me. Other people are less pleased about it

You probably don’t need mindfulness apps if you live in the country. All I have to do is go for a walk in tve woods and I feel better!
definitely if there’s one thing you can do that will help enormously, make sure you get power of attorney for both your parents, now, before anything happens. It makes everything so much easier and without it things can get messy. Also wills if not yet done.
it sounds a great set up for all of you if you can keep the anxiety at bay!

This is a very insightful post.
My single friend moved away from her job to be more local to her DPs with health conditions. Fine in theory but in reality means she has spent all her free time and weekends with them due to some health issues. I get that it's her choice, but it does feel as if she has effectively put her own life to one side.

It's also whether she's made herself vulnerable especially as she gets older. It sounds like the OP doesn't have her own home and is saving money on rent by living with the parent. That's fine, but presumably the house they live in is owned by the parent? What happens if the parent needs to go into care and the house sold to pay for that (the property disregard only applies if the child is over 60)?

It's great if the living set up works out but I'd be wary of ending up very isolated especially as the parent's needs grow.