Can DH say anything to his sister?

[HamBone]

I’ve mentioned this on previous threads, but DH is annoyed about it again and doesn’t know how to approach the situation.

In short, one of his sisters regularly asks my in-laws (82 & 83) to do chores and DIY for her. DH was speaking to his parents last night and discovered that they’d been tidying up his sister’s quarter-acre garden that afternoon (presumably weeding and raking leaves). DH was angry as their Mum has back problems so bending/raking isn’t a good idea, plus mild Alzheimer’s symptoms. She’s easily flustered and would find it hard to say no if asked to do something , iyswim.

His Dad is mentally fine, but suffers from dizzy spells and uses a walking stick. The issue is that his sister rings them a lot asking for help and they’ve become conditioned to it over the years. They live 90 miles away from her so it’s a long drive for them as well. DH feels that at their ages, we should be looking after them, not vice versa.

Can he say anything to his sister, or is this none of his business? If he can say something, how to go about it?

All he wants her to do is stop asking them to do strenuous chores.

Tbh, we don’t know anyone else who asks their octogenarian parents to do this. My Dad (85) would be flabbergasted if I did!

Depends if they like doing it or not. If they're the type to enjoy helping and keeping busy, think it's fine. A lot of people like to be useful and enjoy acts of service. It's good exercise. Presumably, they make a day of it with lunch together, etc, if it's a 90 mile drive.

They are helpful people, but it’s her obliviousness to their age and health that DH doesn’t understand. They stay overnight, bring food and cook for his sister, but she never reciprocates. She’s had FIL up on a ladder cleaning out her gutters-and he has dizzy spells!

I suppose DH just sees them differently, he’s mindful of their age and wants to care for them, spoil them abit, etc., not ask them to do chores! Although he and his Dad do small projects together, which they enjoy.

I guess he could approach it with a kind of gentle and inclusive 'I guess we need to be mindful of asking them to do stuff now don't we'

But it's possible they want to. Did you see Live to 100 on netflix ... One of the key things was keeping active with a sense of purpose. They may be happy to help. It might be worth talking to them about it. Xxx

They are active people, they volunteer and do yoga to keep fit! But they also have regular doctor’s/hospital appointments for various ailments, they’re not 100% anymore.

DH isn’t trying to make them stay at home doing nothing, he just doesn’t want them to overdo it and can’t understand why his sister keeps asking them to do so much when she doesn’t really need to.

Yes, he has the absolute right to say something.

I would be straight up blunt. Wtf are you doing asking our parents to drive 180 miles, do the weeding and then feed you? Have you lost your fucking mind?

My Grandad climbed a ladder at 83. He fell off, had a heart attack and sadly passed away.

YADNBU

It all sounds a bit much cumulatively. And wtf about the ladder?! That's just dangerous and bizarre! I'd definitely say something.

“Cumulative” is a good word to describe the situation and that might be a good way to approach it.

He’s taking his parents on a short trip soon and he could mention that he’s worried about them making that long drive regularly, they’ve done so much for their middle-aged children, we want to do more for you now, etc.
And say the same to his sister.

Tbh, this trip emphasizes the siblings’ differences. DH is taking his parents away, arranged and paid for by him. They’re really excited and DH will look after them. Totally different approach.

He could broach the subject.

"Do you think Mum and Dad are up to climbing ladders at their age. It would be life changing for them to fall. I would appreciate that you only ask them to help with safer activities and remember their dizzy spells. Mum and Dad will always say 'yes' to helping, we all know that."

And have a word with his parents about whether they feel strong enough to engage in strenuous work. Talk about how one of them would cope if the other were to be injured.

In saying that. My 92 year old uncle still runs his own cattle farm so people do have the choice of taking risks, whatever their age, don't they?

Is there a reason historically why she has asked for their help? Eg she’s single and other siblings are in couples?

If so I wonder if dh could raise it as I’d rather you asked me instead of dad for things which could be dangerous to him like going up ladders. DH could then always say no or suggest she employs a gardener when she asks but he’d be involved in the discussion by then and could veto parents doing it.

I think less is probably more here, so if they’re all happy with parents raking I’d leave that alone (even if you disagree) and focus on things which come with a significant risk like the gutters.

I get exactly what you are saying . She’s using them . He certainly is within his rights to speak up and tell her what he thinks . She’s selfish .

I can see both sides here. Anything that makes accidents likely is a no no (ladders, chainsaws, long drives at night etc). Anything that they can safely do and gives them purpose (if they like doing it) is probably psychologically healthy. As some older relatives of mine say, if you don’t use it you lose it.

The sister may have some of this mentality but lack common sense about health and safety aspects. So definitely needs a gentle reminder.

@HamBone
If he’s not already talked to his sister how can he be so sure she’s taking advantage of their help, rather than finding ways for them to feel useful and remain independent?

Maybe it’s his sisters intervention that’s kept them so active and left to your DH they would be old people becoming more and more immobile and stuck in the house?

If it’s not harming their health or making them miserable I would wager it’s immensely beneficial for their mental and physical health to still be needed and valued instead of written off as old.

The ladder thing is not a good idea though.

Ahh cross post with @JasmineButtercup above

If your DM has Alzheimers and your DF has dizzy spells who the heck thinks they're safe to drive 90 miles? Has the cause of the dizzy spells been established and the GP confirmed fitness to drive?

Is your sister definitely asking, your parents could be insistent on helping and looking after her.

I agree with the PP though, are they really safe to be driving?

All good points above. Re. The sister’s status. She’s single, professional job, nice house and car, so it’s not money that prevents her from employing a handyman or gardener. She’s the youngest child though and my hunch is that her parents still see her as their baby so that might explain why they rush around after her so much. Tbf, it’s nice being fussed over and she may not realize that she’s actually asking a lot of two elderly people, especially with the long drive. FIL does all the driving now and he’s mentally sharp.

My in-laws are pretty active in their community, they volunteer at the local hospital, take yoga classes and have friends so they wouldn’t be sitting at home getting old if they cut down on their support to SIL.

I don’t know, DH is just concerned that one day he’ll get a call to say that his Dad’s fallen off a ladder and broke his collarbone, and then DH will wish he’d said something. He doesn’t think that his sister will ever stop asking them for help and he was really angry on Friday.

I also came on to query them driving 90miles - should they be driving at all?

Well, they do have regular doctor’s appointments (they’re v. health-conscious) and presumably my FiL’s doctor would say something if he wasn’t safe to drive. I don’t know all their medical details tbh.

are you sure she's asking them to do it and they are not just spoiling her because she's their baby? i wouldn't say anything their relationship with her is seperate and different to their relationship with your dh.

Yes, @jolaylasofia , they might be spoiling her abit but my DH isn’t at all concerned about having a different relationship with his parents, he’s concerned about their well-being . They’re in their early 80’s and really shouldn’t be going up on ladders to clean out gutters, etc. He wouldn’t let people that age clean for him either.

I suppose we just see things differently from his sister. We want to look after elderly people!

I’d certainly say something - particularly since you mention Alzheimer’s and dizzy spells! It would be a different matter if they were both still perfectly fit and active, but I’d still think it a cheek to ask 80+ parents to do this sort of thing.

i totally understand your dh but if it was my dad he wouldn't take no for an answer and would be offended if i tried to stop him. i don't ever mention. that anything is broken because he would be trying to fix it

Definitely no to the ladders. It's bad enough falling at that age, falling from height could be catastrophic.

Regardless of their level of fitness/ health, when elderly people have a traumatic injury, they never get back to their start point, and it often triggers a decline in wellbeing.