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Elderly parents

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Original poster

Visiting care home

23 replies

Moonblue87 · 29/09/2023 14:05

Hi for those of you that have parents in a care home locally , how often do you visit them ? Do you wash their laundry ?
Im asking this as my poor dad has been through a lot and is going to a care home where he can be looked after .

My mum was in a care home and I did visit as often as I could although it’s difficult when you have a job and family .
My mums clothes were labelled but always went missing and got ruined in boil washes
the times I had to search the laundry for my mums things was annoying ,

OP posts:

olderbutwiser · 29/09/2023 14:11

Mum was in a care home about a mile or so away for 18 months. She didnt have dementia. I visited a couple of times a week at least, one of those being a trip to Sainsburys which she loved (on one of their mobility scooters, she was lethal. We washed her woolies (mostly cashmere, go Mum.).

Strawberryfieldsforeverrr · 29/09/2023 14:12

Mens clothes tend to do better, joggers, shirts etc. Just take the pullovers home to wash if they are wool, or if he'll tolerate it but jersey.

DutchCowgirl · 29/09/2023 14:19

My father is in a care home a mile away. I visit him twice a week. If he’s ill or something is going on i can squeeze in an extra visit.
I am not doing his laundry … i did his laundry for nine years when he was still at his own home. I didn’t want that burden anymore, and as he is double incontinent it is a hassle taking all the dirty stuff twice a week, keep it all hygienic and seperated from my own laundry. His clothes seem fine, mens’ clothes are often less fragile than womens’

Pleaseme · 29/09/2023 14:32

I’ve worked in a care home. It is true lots of clothes get ruined. If there are bodily fluids, urine, faeces etc. on clothes/ bed linen they get bagged up in an infection control bag. These aren’t opened by the housekeepers just put straight into machine for a long hot wash circa. 90 minutes in an industrial machine.

Some residents clothes are being bagged and boiled multiple times times a day. Some residents stuff goes through the normal washing cycle. You need to be realistic about their continence and it’s affects.

Some famIlies like to take woollens home to hand wash. I’d recommend multiple tags/ labels on everything.

Borntobeamum · 29/09/2023 14:39

I labelled mums clothes and she always had her own on.
Mind you, it was a small home with 15 residents and my mum was always glamorous. The staff used to open her wardrobe and enjoy helping her get dressed completely with her pearls.

She always looked immaculate.

Mum5net · 29/09/2023 15:06

If you can afford it, buy Snappy Tags which are button style labels and the gun that goes with it. They are not cheap but don’t fall off or fade.

Also take photos of all his clothes and especially his glasses and false teeth.
Get two sets of photos printed at a cheap printing place. Put one set in a photo album and leave at care home. Keep the other set at your house. That way if anything goes missing, you can refer them to the picture as a guide.

IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere · 29/09/2023 16:01

I visit mum once a week. I always recognise her clothes even though she doesn't! I don't do her washing but from what I have seen of her wardrobe nothing is missing. All her clothes are cheap/replaceable from Amazon - plain coloured jersey separates so they can mix and match and she still looks smart.

allthehops · 29/09/2023 16:07

My Nan always had her washing done but you have to label EVERYTHING even socks. I still saw other people wearing her favourite jumper though!

PinkBuffalo · 29/09/2023 16:10

My mum is in a nursing home no much far from me a 15 min drive or so

the home does all the laundry I would no dream of bringing it home. Yes it can be a bit of nightmare but no that often and I have very occasionally turned up and she is in someone else’s clothes but it so rarely happens I am no much worry about about

she is well cared for there and the staff are lovely to both of us

PinkBuffalo · 29/09/2023 16:11

Yes to labelling everything including socks
label everything
mum home does this for us

wagnbobble · 29/09/2023 16:16

Mum is in a very local card home so I see her 4x a week. Clothes I now buy from Tesco as we have lost loads ( even though all are named ) I do have to go through her wardrobe weekly to remove clothes that aren’t hers and do see her clothes on other residents .

LetMeGoogleThat · 29/09/2023 16:22

When dad was in a nursing home I bought name labels same as the kids ones! You can't put them in socks, but I ordered some from Amazon with his name on. And everything went into the dryer, so make sure that clothes arr robust.

Visit when you can or want to, but I got into a routine with days and made a point of contacting the home if I couldn't, so he didn't spend all day waiting and feeling disappointed if I didn't show up.

WhatHaveIFound · 29/09/2023 16:53

I only manage to visit my dad once a week due to work commitments but my mum visits him 3 times so I guess that's quite a lot. In the winter she'll probably go less but I'll be able to go more.

We have used iron on labels for all his clothes but odd things have still gone missing as it all goes through the care home laundry. Mum makes a massive deal of it but I figure it's just part and parcel of care home living. It's not like it's expensive clothes that's disappearing. If I find items in dad's wardrobe that aren't his I always hand them back in.

Original poster

Moonblue87 · 30/09/2023 08:01

Thankyou for your replies , it’s a difficult one with visiting days ,y dads currently in hosp and I visit most days so he’s got used to it
once he’s in the care home next week I’ll have to reduce the days due to journey and I work
There is an element of guilt I just hope that he’ll be well looked after

OP posts:

PinkBuffalo · 30/09/2023 13:00

Hey OP

please do no feel feels bad 🤗

my mum moved in before covid and I visited ALL the time I was there as often as I could cos I feels so bad and she did no want to be there. Literally I was driving there at 8pm on a Friday after work and gym to spend couple of hours with her before she go bed

it was killing me I did never spend any time at home and I was exhausted (pointless her moving in cos i was still trying to look after her having previously done 24hr care)

I then could no visit for 2 plus years cos of covid it was awful

BUT it has showed me that actually mum does no need me there all the time and every day. I now visit on my days off from work and Saturday and Sunday

and she looks forward to it now rather than taking it for granted that I will be there every moment after work/gym etc

it is really important you take time to look after you own self as well xx

EmotionalBlackmail · 30/09/2023 15:50

Remember it's a marathon not a sprint. There's no point getting into a routine of visiting several times per week if long term that's going to be difficult to sustain.

Daffidale · 01/10/2023 11:53

Care home is very different from hospital. If it’s a decent one he’ll get much better care and attention.

My sister and I went 3x a week between us at first. Now we each go once a week. Sometimes one of us can’t make it and Mum only gets one visit, and she’s fine.

A lot of advice is not to go too often as it can actually make it harder for your Dad to settle. I’d start off going 2 or 3 times a week, then drop it down.

Also yes, expect things to go missing. You have the learn to not get het up about the small stuff

MereDintofPandiculation · 06/10/2023 21:36

Dad's been in a small private nursing home for 4 years. Initially I'd visit every 3 days for 2-3 hours, since Covid I've dropped to every 6-7 days, for an hour. And DS goes once a fortnight. Dad has a strong relationship with the manager and with some of the carers and nurses.

Washing works fine. Laundry lady has been there 30 years, and prides herself on knowing every resident's clothes. So I've never seen him dressed in anything that isn't his. Basically everything is cotton, from underwear to chinos and cardigans, and it survives.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 16/10/2023 08:22

My DM’s CH was pretty good with laundry, but everything did need to be machine washable and tumble-dry-able. So that meant some of her more expensive trousers (dry clean only) had to go.

Everything does need to be very clearly labelled, and any detachable bits (e.g. the belt of a dressing gown) need to be firmly stitched on, or they’ll never be seen again. I had to learn this the hard way! New one was stitched before I gave it to her.
My DM’s CH was dementia only, so a lot of incontinence and consequently a heavy laundry load.

helpfulperson · 18/10/2023 19:18

I visit once a week. Sometimes for an hour and sometimes I spend longer. She is often in clothes I don't recognise but they always fit and suit her style of dressing so I don't care and she has never mentioned it. I know my SIL has bought her clothes so it could well be that.

PermanentTemporary · 20/10/2023 13:40

I visit once a week. My brother calls something like 3 x a week. My sister goes about every 2 months. It's all fine, it's what we can do and we can sustain it.

Mum has gained a lot of weight so I have bought different clothes several times. I've gone for easy to take off/put on, soft textures, coordinating colours. I do big orders with M&S and John Lewis. She doesn't wear bras any more. The staff at her home make decisions i wouldn't, so I have to second guess them a bit. I bought a pretty jumper but it is acrylic blend, it gets a bit hard in the hot wash, and last time I was there she had it on directly against her skin. So I took it away again and have bought a washable cotton knit instead.

Another vote for Snappy Tags.

Also for Gentle Grip socks. Mum gets swollen feet and they're an awkward shape, but Gentle Grips socks are brilliant. She always liked quite quirky socks so I go for the bright patterns.

Try not to worry. It may not be a top choice but it really is ok.

Nodashians · 20/10/2023 15:29

I visit once a week and so does my DB. There have been no issues with laundry, my DK doesn’t have expensive clothes, mostly M&S £18 jumpers and their jeggings which are easy to replace from time to time.

Joystir59 · 25/10/2023 15:13

I visit my mother in law once a week, but I'm retired with no dependants and the home is nearby so that's easy for me to do. I don't do her laundry- her clothes used to go missing until I learned to sew name tags into everything. Laundry markers and iron-on labels don't work.

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