Situation with my elderly mum and brother

[teaandtoastwithmarmite]

Hello, I could really do with some advice please. My mum is 82, my dad passed away in 2020 and my elder brother lives at home. I live an hour's drive away with DH and DD.
The house is cluttered, Dbro is a collector of models (bus, car etc). That's a major worry of mine. I've worked on the living room with him and the dining room and it's got better but it's still not as clear as I'd like. My old bedroom has a tower of models stacking up to the ceiling. He's been buying them and just adding them to the pile. That's problem 1
Problem 2 my mum fell a few times and hurt her knee. Then she got cellulitis and now cannot walk. She is sleeping on the sofa and cannot leave the living room. She has a commode and has carers to help her wash. She is supposed to be on a sort of waiting list to be seen but I don't know what kind of contact she's had. I think not much. She has been having a physio come around. I've been going over most Sundays although it's difficult as I live a motorway away but I've been doing what I can. I just want her to be happy. She refuses to have a bed downstairs even though I've pointed out she has a better chance of recovery if she sleeps better.
My bro as he lives there I would think he would have a better chance to sort out what's going on with her long term but he seems to struggle with this. To be fair she is constantly asking him to do this and that and worrying about everything so I get he isn't getting a minute and he works as well but even cooking, he can't cook so they're eating basic stuff- the last two Sundays I've been it's been a pie from a box and that's it. He said they have jacket potato and chips and it seems to be all oven food.
I've asked him about a form to claim for money to pay for the carers. He's had it two weeks and hasn't filled it out and now he's not replying to my texts. I think he thinks I am being a nag but I also suffer with anxiety and im at my wits end worrying about, the cleaning, the hoarding, the food, the fact my mum can't go anywhere.
He was told about getting her a wheelchair but he hasn't picked it up. He doesn't take well to any kind of discussion and acts like you're having a go at him. He passed his driving test first time but has never had a car. Even DD doesn't want to go round and see her nan because it's so stressful everytime.
I am very grateful to him for everything he's doing but I'm feeling I'm nagging him to do everything instead of him being a bit proactive. I think he is ND (was told he had learning difficulties as a kid but I think it's a mild autism). He just seems to want to keep collecting things instead of doing boring life stuff. I am sorry this is long but there's a lot going on. Please no horrible replies. I am very grateful to him but I just want to help them both but he is capable of a bit of cooking and cleaning and it's how I motivate that without upsetting him. As I'm having to go over and do basic cleaning whilst trying to keep my own house in order.

Oh dear Op, it is difficult 💐.
Do you know who your Mother’s GP is, or the GP practice? You could start by asking the GP practice if they have a Social Prescriber - if so, then you could ask to talk to them about your Mother AND you Brother. They would not be able to discuss their medical history or needs with you (without their written permission) but could hear your concerns and help with the issues you raise.
As hoarding is seen as a mental health issue, even without a ND diagnosis for your brother, both he and your mother should be supported as Vulnerable persons, so a referral to Social Care is reasonable.
If your mother isn’t already receiving Attendance Allowance, then I suggest you should apply for this on her behalf, as this is not means tested and will help with paying for carers. Don’t leave it for your brother to do, as this will just cause delays (and more complaints about your “nagging” 😆) and you can get excellent advice on the Age UK website about how to fill in the forms.
You can also speak to your mother’s local council Social Care Dept and ask them to get the wheels in motion for assessment for help.
There are excellent threads on MN about elderly care issues, so a browse on this Elderly topic and the Cockroach Cafe is a good idea.
You also need to protect your own physical and mental health, Op - you know the cliché “ Put your own oxygen mask on before helping others with theirs”.

Thank you so much. This has made me feel a bit teary because I've kept this all in thinking I have to be the hard one and I'm being selfish by saying anything so thank you! My DH suggested I posted here so I'm very grateful for your reply.

I will do those things. My mum will go mad if I refer to social care but I've been thinking that's what they need. I think she's scared of going into a home as she did go in one after hospital but its breaking my heart she's just sat there day after day. I also think she's scared of getting my brother to get rid of the stuff in case he goes away.

He wouldn't do that though. He's a lovely man and the best uncle to his niece. He just can't see that he needs to shape up.
My brother has improved a lot actually and is getting rid of more than I thought but he wants me to sell things and mess about on eBay and I just don't have time. He wants certain things back and I'm trying to be respectful of him but honestly I'm having nightmares over this pile of metal in my old room. You can't even close the door and it's spilling onto the landing now. If I make him get rid of it I know he will get more. I've hoarded things but usually stopped before it's got bad and he said he doesn't know why he's doing it.

And when I say can't cook. He's never learnt. He manages to do a bit of washing and shopping and I think a little bit of cleaning. I went and bought a new mop the other week and mopped the floor which was filthy. Surely it's not unreasonable to ask him to cook a few vegetables with the pies. I asked him to buy some and he said he would. There's no more information given as to why.

What a tough situation; so much going on.

Would it help to look at the different issues eg

• your mums health and refusal to get a bed downstairs
• whether your mum is getting all the help/medical care she needs
• the quality of their diet
• your brother's inability to sort paperwork etc
• your brother's hoarding
• the dirt in the house

(I may not have got these all right)
In the short term, I would concentrate on your mum's healthcare and the paperwork etc, and just forget about the hoarding, dirt and vegetables for now.

Would a meals on wheels service help your mum? She could have it delivered at lunchtimes. In my mum's area it costs about £7 or so per meal.

Thank you both. I think I need to pay attention to my mum first. The way I feel at the moment my brother does say thanks for my help but he's not accepting he has a problem. I think this is a family problem as my dad was also hoarding. My mum is a clean person and was always doing housework never one for sitting about but she is scared of throwing things away as well. I've also had hoarding tendencies and have previously bought loads of socks, pj's, shower gels. I am embarrassed about this and still have too many pjs but this was all done when facing anxiety and stress so I know what it is but my brother has been doing it his whole life.

I said I would get her a box for her medical stuff and a file for her papers and letters so I will do that but I'm so fed up of the bad feeling I don't know how much longer I'll have her so I want dd and I to go round and have a nice time. The house isn't filthy per se but it's tired looking and things like the bathroom and kitchen are dusty and the grouting needs cleaning. I worry already what my brother will be like when my mum passes away. Even the hoovering she had to keep asking him to do it and he was trying to hoover with the pipes on back to front. He's not stupid but I dread to think if I wasn't there

My DH puts it as they're trying to live their lives on hard mode 😂

Oh no OP. It sounds really hard

I think the suggestion to think of both your mum and brother as vulnerable, while hard , is helpful. You’re seeing it as things your brother won’t do (tidying, cleaning, cooking, driving). If there is ND and maybe MH problems then these are more truthfully things he can’t do. In the same way your mum can’t do things .

Set yourself some boundaries with what you can and can’t reasonably help them both with

Focus on: are they safe, warm, fed, basic health

You may have to lower your standards about the house cleanliness etc. Basic hygiene needs dealing with. Dust and clutter won’t actually hurt you or them.

I would keep giving him the support you can eg ebay. Accept he can’t handle admin and take that on. Take paperwork away and do it at your own home. Can DH help with it at all?

Get POA for your Mum if you don’t have it, so you deal with things for her

If you or they can afford it, look at outside help eg a cleaner once a week, rather than you doing it when you visit

I agree with everything @Daffidale has said. And I'd add that your DB is also a carer while working full time. I'm sure that he'd like to come home and relax, switch off, enjoy life etc. He's doing the best he can. As are you.

Can you take a day or two off work and go there so you can make calls, meet GP, social worker etc? Get a cleaner. Organise meals on wheels. Meet the care team that come in to your mum. Pull all of the paperwork together and bring it home to go through. Organise POA.

Get the basics sorted or at least a plan.

Take cake with you and lots of hugs. Show DM and DB that you're doing this out of love and concern but that you are worrying 24/7 when you're home which can't go on.

Tell him to get the ping vegetables you just wack a bag in the microwave two minutes and done or he can buy a few tins they arnt hard

Your husband is right they really are making lives difficult for themselves

God that sounds hard. I think the above posters are correct though, you are going to have to step back a bit and focus on the really important things. We had a similar situation in that FIL simply couldn't understand anything being told to him by Drs, consultants, carers etc. But it was so hard to get him to stand aside and let anyone else do it.

Why does your mum refuse to have a bed downstairs? Does she expect to be getting well enough to move upstairs again? Can the carers / GP talk to her about this? Is it possible that the waiting list she is on is for a care assessment?

Can you approach it with your brother that you are splitting the jobs to be done by who is best equipped to do them? So he's there - his jobs are to keep your mum fed, provide company, help her out day to day etc. And your jobs are to communicate with the authorities, fill in forms, speak to the Dr etc. Woudl he accept that?

TBH though as long as they are living together, they are going to muddle along until something goes wrong. Do you have power of attorney for your mum's affairs?

That all sounds so hard. Your brother probably has a MH disorder, depression/anxiety or both. Hoarding is a by product of that.

My heart skipped a bit when you said that he’s a lovely man and a great uncle to his niece. It’s too bad he struggles with the most basic things.

You’ve been given some good advice about seeing what services your mum might be entitled to and to let some things go for your own well being.

You’re a good daughter/sister. I hope you can get some help.

Good suggestions from others.

I would personally take on as much of the administration as you can, as others have said your brother is probably incapable of doing this. When it comes to physical / in person tasks such as cleaning, shopping, outsource these as much as possible and administrate them yourself (in whatever way is easiest). For example, I would hire a cleaner and I would arrange a weekly shopping delivery which could, for example contain almost the exact same foods every week on a repeat order, so minimal work for you. If your brother has ASD he might not like these changes but once he has adjusted to them they will just be part of his routine. If you buy "instant veg" packets he can get used to microwaving those and at least that will be something. Outsourcing and taking over administrative tasks like this may ease the pressure on your brother. If he is less stressed, perhaps he will hoard less. To be honest I would focus on keeping communal areas clear for a cleaner, worry about your bedroom another time when you have more headspace / less to do and think about.

Obviously you will have to communicate with your mother and brother about some of these things. I think you should be honest and not attempt to catch them by surprise eg with a cleaner. However I think you should be firm eg "I'm worried about you both, the house is not clean, I want to be able to visit you, I am arranging a cleaner to come". Not asking, but I'm doing it. If it's affordable, I would just pay yourself at first and then maybe once they're used it to it you can approach transferring the costs over to your brother / mother. If your mother's decline is likely to continue (which sadly, I suspect it is), consider applying for lasting power of attorney for property and financial affairs. It may be that you sort out other stuff first, however. You have plenty of time, take things one step at a time and look after yourself.

You don't need your mother's permission to raise concerns with social care. However, I think it is best to be upfront about this too.

Sorry I haven't returned to this. I do massively appreciate you all taking the time to comment and give advice so thank you so much. It's all very helpful