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Elderly parents

desperately need a cleaner.. but VERY reluctant

22 replies

CanadianJohn · 27/09/2023 04:26

This board might be the most appropriate place to post, despite the fact that the "parent" in this case is my wife... only a little older than I.

Our house is just plain dirty. I can't do much, my health is quite poor. I walk with a cane on good days, two canes on bad days, and I hate cleaning anyway. My wife, at 82, is physically much better than I. Unfortunately, she has become a very poor cleaner.

So, we need a cleaner, but my wife is VERY reluctant. Adamant, in fact. She just doesn't see the dirt, the dust, and fingermarks everywhere.

Recently our adult daughter came to stay for a few days. She insisted - INSISTED - on cleaning the bathroom, and wanted to clean the kitchen too. Without actually saying anything she made it clear the house the house needed spring-cleaning... at least.

So, how do I persuade my wife we need a cleaner? The money isn't an issue. I can sort-of see my wife's point (unvoiced), she doesn't want an outsider to be dusting and scrubbing, and the implied criticism that we are minging. As I said, my wife doesn't see the dirt anyway.

Any thoughts?

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RosesAndHellebores · 27/09/2023 04:38

Any chance you could persuade her to have a cleaning service for a first-off, spring clean and then the appointed regular cleaner would maintain that level without seeing the minginess.

Like you I hate cleaning but unlike your wife I see the dust. However DH and I do tidy and clean-up as we go. Someone else thoroughly cleans the bathrooms, vacuums, mops, dusts, etc.

The world seems to be split into those who pay someone else and those who resist. I think it's a pride thing. I don't know what the answer is because I appreciate some people are very resistant. Could you focus on the fact that you can't do it any more and either one of you may need care at some point and it would be a good idea to sort this first before others get involved in your lives and pass judgement as externals.

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Candymay · 27/09/2023 04:51

So you’re writing this as the husband? I skim read but just trying to see what you’re doing here. You’re the elderly man in this scenario?

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CanadianJohn · 27/09/2023 05:39

Candymay · 27/09/2023 04:51

So you’re writing this as the husband? I skim read but just trying to see what you’re doing here. You’re the elderly man in this scenario?

Yes, I'm an elderly man, my wife is the elderly woman. Our house is very dirty. I want a cleaner, my wife doesn't.

A few years ago, my wife went to visit a friend every week, and while she was away I would clean like a maniac for a couple of hours. My health was better then. Now, my wife rarely leaves the house unless I am with her, and no cleaning gets done. Not much, anyway.

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Lookingforasilverlining · 27/09/2023 07:33

What would happen if you booked on in for a trial to see how you both like it? Have you said you I want the house to be cleaner but I can’t manage anymore and I need some help to do some of the heavier jobs?

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EmotionalBlackmail · 27/09/2023 08:08

Could you phrase it as YOU needing help perhaps?

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Mum5net · 27/09/2023 09:39

Could you take your wife away for two days and hand the keys to cleaner? You’d have to face your wife’s anger at n return but the house would be clean and you could negotiate from there?

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CrimsonElevenDelightPetrichor · 27/09/2023 09:42

Perhaps she literally can't see the dirt. My parents got a cleaner after getting their cataracts done. Is this a possibility?

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maxelly · 27/09/2023 12:17

I understand your wife's point of view, I'm 20 years younger but even my generation were taught from early childhood to place a lot of value and self-worth on 'keeping a nice home' and to feel shame and 'slatternly' if anyone saw dirt or grime in our houses. Plus agreeing that you can't do as much as you once could physically feels like admitting your own mortality/weakness. But really it's not logical at all, of course cleaners see dirt and clean it, that's the whole point, it's not a judgment on the client! And accepting help makes it much more not less likely that you will be able to stay living independently and healthily at home together and starting small with a weekly cleaner is a lot easier, cheaper and more effective than waiting until there's a full on crisis and you need much more extensive and personal help (I know you know this and she probably does too deep down).

Can you maybe frame it to her like others say as a trial period or one-off and if it's too hard for her to be there, book it for a time when she's out of the house or away? Would it help her to think about it as mutually beneficial for both you and the cleaner, around our way lots of cleaners are losing work as due to cost of living crisis people cut back on 'luxuries' so they would love a new regular, reliable client? I know paying someone a fair wage for a good service isn't a charity, but lots of them are hard-working, honest people who've been through plenty in their lives one way or another and the least they deserve now is a stable job but for whatever reason, personal commitments or poor english or lack of qualifications are not in a great place to get other work and the flexibility of cleaning really helps them. If everyone took your wife's attitude that having a cleaner is only for the truly minging and everyone else should clean their own houses or just not clean at all, they'd really struggle. If she could find someone she actually likes and trusts that would be great. Perhaps also the cleaner could just start in the 'easier' rooms, I know that's kind of counter-intuitive but if your wife is worried about clearing surfaces or de-cluttering certain rooms to allow the cleaner to clean, or feels particularly ashamed that some are just too dirty for a stranger to see, the cleaner doesn't even have to go into those ones to start with until some trust and familiarity is built up?

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Vriddle · 27/09/2023 12:28

At a certain age and state of health, even a person really willing to clean won't be able to do as much.

My very tidy, elderly parents have had a cleaner for 10 years. She washes and changes the sheets, cleans the bathroom and kitchen, hoovers, irons and keeps their home looking great. She will also do any tricky jobs as they arise - like changing difficult to reach lightbulbs, or weeding the front walk (which can be a tripping hazard).

It took my reluctant Mum about two weeks of visits to see the light, and she and the cleaner now start every session with a cup of tea and a chat.

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Mosaic123 · 27/09/2023 13:16

Or you could frame it as helping someone to earn some money, what with the cost of living rises. Perhaps someone with a child?

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MysterOfwomanY · 27/09/2023 16:57

OP you say your wife is 82.

Should she suddenly become disabled or worse, the last thing you would need is having to get help in while in turmoil.

Much better to have a regular cleaner set up now.

My grandfather had damaged lungs and my grandmother was very healthy, and younger. But one day she dropped dead of an aneurysm.

More recently a young friend - early 50s - suffered a devastating stroke and is now disabled.

Try to spin it as it being for YOU, therefore, with the bonus that it saves her all the work she is doing now and gives her more free time? (Even if this rationalisation is being slightly economical with the truth!).

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DoratheFlora · 28/09/2023 22:08

I'm really sorry to hear you are struggling. I think you've got a couple of options.

Perhaps you could try a cleaning company or a home help with the narrative that a bit of additional help around the house would be good. Perhaps they could keep on top of the kitchen and bathroom and changing the bed so that your wife can focus on shopping and meals as you know she enjoys that....(?). Start small with a couple of hours a week. Maybe mention that neither of you are getting any younger and it would help to keep you both independent and living at home.

Other option is arrange a weekly activity to get your wife out of the house and get someone to clean during that time. If she's on the ball, she will notice the house has been cleaned!

It is hard. I'm going through the same with my Mum at the moment. She thinks she still manage all of these things but is really struggling. I've slowly introduced things with the rationale that the goal is to keep her at home living 'independently'.

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CanadianJohn · 29/09/2023 21:43

Thanks for all your comments. I'm consulting with the children (I guess I should say offspring, the youngest is 54). If I find a solution, I'll post again.

OP posts:

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rookiemere · 30/09/2023 07:30

Oh gosh I'm in this situation with my parents. Relatives recently came over to visit and gave off to me about the state of their bathroom. I live an hour away, work practically full time and hate cleaning.

I'm not sure what the answer is, sorry.

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Haveyouseenthemuffinman · 30/09/2023 07:40

My parents had a cleaner when working but once retired by Dad did the brunt of it. And then when he became physically unable to do it i became like your adult child, cleaning when I got there (dad wasn’t able to even get into the rooms in question but asked me how bad it was).

mum was offended but I didn’t care (Also she did have cataracts, although I’m not sure she would have done much more even if she’d seen it). They got cleaners and are much happier. Good luck!

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catsnore · 30/09/2023 08:07

You need to find a cleaner who your wife likes. So she doesn't feel judged or worried about them seeing the house. If you can find someone nice then the problem will solve itself. My parents became good friends with their cleaner and loved having her around.

Otherwise arrange for it to to be done on the sly when she is not there - she won't like it but will appreciate the house being nice!

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Aparecium · 30/09/2023 08:36

MysterOfwomanY · 27/09/2023 16:57

OP you say your wife is 82.

Should she suddenly become disabled or worse, the last thing you would need is having to get help in while in turmoil.

Much better to have a regular cleaner set up now.

My grandfather had damaged lungs and my grandmother was very healthy, and younger. But one day she dropped dead of an aneurysm.

More recently a young friend - early 50s - suffered a devastating stroke and is now disabled.

Try to spin it as it being for YOU, therefore, with the bonus that it saves her all the work she is doing now and gives her more free time? (Even if this rationalisation is being slightly economical with the truth!).

Exactly this. With it becoming very difficult for my siblings and I to drop in due to our own family circumstances, our parents were persuaded that it would be very helpful for them to have someone they knew come to the house twice a week to help with anything that needed help. Cleaning/tidying/shopping/gardening/lightbulb-changing/etc. They developed a good relationship with their cleaners, because my mum cannot be rude to an employee who does a decent job, she just can't, even if she didn't really want them there, so the help these ladies gave really brought my parents around.

My siblings and I still visit regularly, and between the cleaners and us my parents have a support visitor almost every day.

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uhtredofbattenberg · 30/09/2023 21:32

Can you claim attendance allowance for yourself and then say that it can go towards a Cleaner?

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CanadianJohn · 01/10/2023 01:52

uhtredofbattenberg · 30/09/2023 21:32

Can you claim attendance allowance for yourself and then say that it can go towards a Cleaner?

I am not in the UK, but it's a good thought. I guess I should bestir myself in the unlikely case there is any government money available. It's unlikely, but I suppose I should check.

We have enough money, unless we decide to fly to Hawaii every weekend. The issue is not money, but my wife's reluctance. If I could just get her out of the house for a day...

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uhtredofbattenberg · 01/10/2023 09:58

Sorry, yes username was a clue.!

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rookiemere · 01/10/2023 17:47

@CanadianJohn I wanted to thank you because- partly as a result of this thread - I finally managed to broach the topic of a cleaner with DM.

Turns out she has already identified someone who cleans for the neighbours, but I think was maybe hesitant or embarrassed about getting her to clean. I explained that I didn't want to spend my visits cleaning- if you saw my own house you'd agree that I'm not the right candidate- and she said she never expected me to. I also said why not give employment to a local person and not do the tasks that were becoming too tiring for her.

Hopefully DF won't kibosh the idea, and I'll mention it again when I'm there next week.

So maybe you could say that it was too much for you anymore and when your DD visits you want to spend time relaxing with her, not having her cleaning and how its unfair on your DD.

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sleepwouldbenice · 01/10/2023 22:36

Join forces with your daughter!

Both insist it's sensible

Make up random people and say they all have a cleaner ( eg daughter's friends parents)

Get one off deep clean then follow up with regular one. Ask if your daughter can source say using local Facebook

I did this for my parents, got there in the end!

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