Has anyone had counselling?

[HoraceGoesBonkers]

Just that really. I've had a lot of issues with my parents and various other things. I don't want to go back to antidepressants again. Has anyone had counselling and did it help?

I've contacted a counselling service but am not really sure about what to expect.

[IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere]

I had a very close relationship with my parents. My DF died a while ago and I was full time carer for my DM. Over the years she became more and more needy and that negatively impacted our relationship. Just over two years ago she went into hospital with possible stroke and I had a breakdown. Two friends who had been in the same position as me - caring for a well loved parent - arranged for me to have counselling at their expense and I found it really helpful to talk about the feelings of guilt and anger that I was experiencing.

Shortly after that DM was moved to rehab home, ostensibly to encourage her mobility while waiting for an increased care package but it became clear that she needed far more support than I could give, even if we managed to get a care package of 4 visits a day so SS decided she would be safest in a care home.

I found it really hard to come to terms with DM having dementia and had counselling through Cruse, the bereavement charity. I found it really positive and has helped me to come to terms with losing my mum even though she is still with us.

[SiouxsieSiouxStiletto]

Yes I had Counselling when DF died and I wax left with "D"M.

It did help.

[Tryanotheruser]

Yes me! Very, very helpful. They questions that help you open up, but with no pressure. And they know all about family dynamics, functional and otherwise. Very best wishes x

[PermanentTemporary]

I've just today finished a long course of psychotherapy. I couldn't really tell you why it helps but my life is unrecognisably better. The most important part has been recognising where more of my feelings and reactions come from and what the healthier reactions look like.

[greenbeansnspinach]

There’s a huge variety of counsellors and therapists. The best will always be accredited and registered with a professional body such as BACP. You may not gel with the first counsellor you meet and it’s fine to have an initial session with a few till you decide.
counselling can be life changing and lead you to view your situation very differently. I definitely recommend.

[REP22]

I have had counselling over the years to do with the issues and fallout from my childhood and relationships with my parents (especially my mother). Some was arranged through my GP. The most recent was bereavement counselling after the sudden death of my father, which morphed into more general counselling. All of it has been helpful.

I am on antidepressants and will be for the rest of my life, probably. But this is better than the alternative.

Counselling is definitely a part of my recovery and mental wellbeing and I'm not sure I'd be here today without it. That said, it's not for everyone, and it's important to go with someone properly trained and accredited.

One key thing that has been helpful to me, which counselling helped me to understand, is the understanding that my mother will never change, apologise or even properly understand/appreciate why what happened to me and how I was treated was so damaging to me. She cannot comprehend or appreciate the harm caused. I cannot change this. All I CAN change is how much I let it affect me.

It took a long time for me to get this. All I can change are my feelings and reactions. That still hurts deeply. But it's OK. There's nothing I can do or say about my past and my parent. I am me because of who I am and that's actually alright - I am not the frightened little girl still desperate to be loved and accepted. I'm me, strong despite what happened, not because of what happened. It's not easy, learning to have to live with the injustice of it. But counselling really helped me to deal with everything and find new ways of managing and facing up to my history.

Very best wishes to you. I hope you can find something that helps and works for you and wish you happier times ahead. x

[LookOverHere]

Yes, it helped me. First to talk though what happened to me, to understand the sequential factual story, and to talk through my emotional experience of it. I’d never done that before, it brought up a lot I’d never processed and needed to talk about. It helped me understand my story more. I felt witnessed and listened to for the first time in my life. Secondly, to understand how enmeshed I was with my parents, how that happened (I was made responsible) and to detach a bit from it (this actually brought me a lot of self compassion, and then surprisingly compassion towards my parents, who were just carrying on terrible habits from their own parents). Thirdly, it helped me realise my own strengths and tools for survival, which I’d never realised (I was criticised a lot), and bizarrely by softening towards myself I became stronger, an interesting paradox. Insight into oneself is very powerful. Therapy isn’t easy, I wept in every session for a year, but I needed to weep, and after all the crying I felt better, like I’d purged a lot of pain. It was a cathartic process for me and I recommend it.

[Tryanotheruser]

@LookOverHere that has been my experience too, almost word for word. Thank you for sharing 💐

[MoonshineandMagic]

I need this so much, my father has recently died and my relationship with my mother is so messed up. I’ve had counselling in the past but I need someone to actually teach me how to deal with it, not just talk about how I feel. What sort of therapist would be able to do this?

OP I hope you find someone to help you, when I had counselling before it was pretty much life saving. Can you access anything through your job? If you’re lucky enough to have health insurance it can be covered.

[Herecomesdehotstepper]

I don't think I will ever completely come to terms with my M's anger and bitterness towards me and my DC, or the awful death my DMIL suffered in an NHS hospital, but two years of counselling and continuing is certainly making it more bearable and reducing my symptoms of PTSD.

I would say that if you have the opportunity, you should give it a try.

[greenbeansnspinach]

@MoonshineandMagic

I need this so much, my father has recently died and my relationship with my mother is so messed up. I’ve had counselling in the past but I need someone to actually teach me how to deal with it, not just talk about how I feel. What sort of therapist would be able to do this?

OP I hope you find someone to help you, when I had counselling before it was pretty much life saving. Can you access anything through your job? If you’re lucky enough to have health insurance it can be covered.

Cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) might be the best in your situation as it deals with managing responses in the here and now. It’s more “directive” than most talking therapies.
Always with the proviso that the counsellor needs to be someone you can trust and gel with.

[MotherOfCatBoy]

@LookOverHere hello, I sympathise as I think my childhood sounds similar, and I have also read your other thread about negative things your mother says to you - mine does this regularly.
Do you mind if I ask how you found your therapist? Did you go through a particular organisation, did you look for any specific skills/ background for your therapist?

[LookOverHere]

@MotherOfCatBoy Sorry to hear you’re going through similar, it is really painful and confusing. I found her via BACP. I looked just for a counsellor with experience of family issues, integrative because I wasn’t sure which type I wanted, and she was close to me. I got lucky; she is kind and the total opposite of my parents. I feel better, more compassionate towards myself, but whoaaaaa I got angry, and I needed to! My parents said “well clearly the therapy doesn’t work because you’re so angry” but that’s because don’t want to be compliant and just sit there and take verbal abuse. It’s been a valuable process for me. Just being heard is valuable. Good luck x

[MotherOfCatBoy]

Thanks for that @LookOverHere . It does sound useful - I can empathise and see exactly why you would be angry.

As is often said about this sort of thing, it comes into focus when you ask yourself if you would ever say these things to your own DC and the answer is, never in a million years.

[EmmaEmerald]

OP have you got two parents?

I saw a counsellor a couple of times after dad died - not because he died but because I couldn't cope with mum.

She said a lot of people end up there when the first parent dies, and after the second one dies, they don't need the sessions any more. 

I didn't go again, partly because it was just expensive ranting but also, I think as long as you're not thinking about it, that's a plus. 

I'm having major issues with situational depression and I also think the meds aren't helping tbh. 

but if you need to be heard, in a safe space, I think it's a good idea.

[2010Aussie]

@IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere

I had a very close relationship with my parents. My DF died a while ago and I was full time carer for my DM. Over the years she became more and more needy and that negatively impacted our relationship. Just over two years ago she went into hospital with possible stroke and I had a breakdown. Two friends who had been in the same position as me - caring for a well loved parent - arranged for me to have counselling at their expense and I found it really helpful to talk about the feelings of guilt and anger that I was experiencing.

Shortly after that DM was moved to rehab home, ostensibly to encourage her mobility while waiting for an increased care package but it became clear that she needed far more support than I could give, even if we managed to get a care package of 4 visits a day so SS decided she would be safest in a care home.

I found it really hard to come to terms with DM having dementia and had counselling through Cruse, the bereavement charity. I found it really positive and has helped me to come to terms with losing my mum even though she is still with us.

Thank you for sharing this. I am in a similar situation to you. My much-loved DF died several years ago and I have had a difficult relationship with DM both during DF's long illness and subsequently. DM also now has dementia and this has made her somewhat stubborn and selfish personality even more difficult to cope with. She is now having to go into permanent residential care and I am overwhelmed with guilt and quite exhausted.

I too am starting counselling. After being completely messed around by one counsellor, I have just started with another and am hopeful that this will help.

[IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere]

@2010Aussie it sounds strange but dementia saved my relationship with my DM. She never had any concept of boundaries and I would give in for a quiet life. One thing that really hit me was a line that I read somewhere ".... and because of the dementia my parent has no understanding of the impact their needs have on me". Reading that brought everything into and the nightmare of the last 4 years slotted in to place.

A brain scan last month revealed that she has vascular dementia. I found that helpful as well - she is not a miserable self centred old woman - she is my mum but with a physical illness.