Recently bereaved mother seeking solace in alcohol

[desperatelyseekingwisdom]

Hello all, this is my first ever post and I would be so grateful for any advice as I feel completely lost. I lost my absolutely beloved Dad last month, and my Mum is in very ill health and over the last few years has sought solace in alcohol. Now Dad is gone, and I feel a responsibility towards her. Due to a recent hospital stay she had been required through necessity to reduce her alcohol consumption. Upon returning home I had a heart-to-heart conversation with her and asked her to keep control of her alcohol consumption so that I could work with her to build her independence/mobility back up. She said she would try. I just noticed her weekly alcohol online order contained 9 bottles of red wine and two bottles of gin. What do I do?!

Thanks @Loopytiles for your perspective. May I ask what updating the GP would involve - would I write a letter describing the quantities of alcohol being ordered and the recent bereavement, and could I designate it as private? Would Mum be notified of me contacting her GP? I presume the GP would not be able to liaise with me but can accept incoming information. Apologies for the silly questions!

You can tell the GP she's drinking too much and the GP won't tell your mum you've been in touch.

However, it seems really likely that your mum will be on medication that means she will already get regular blood tests, including liver function.

The GP can't stop your mum drinking either and bear in mind it's unlikely she's going to tell you if the GP has already raised concerns.

I'd also very much emphasise that there is no "make or break" opportunity for you to sort out. Your mum's on a trajectory and will have good days and bad days. It's more realistic to accept that your job is essentially to balance up trying to give her some good days vs the impact on you and your kids. Sadly, nobody can fix her.

Thank you @HoraceGoesBonkers , that’s a helpful summary of the big picture. It’s very hard to resign myself to this situation not being fixable. But the collective wisdom on here is pointing at this. It’s all very sad and feels like a double loss, that I have effectively lost both parents completely 😰

@desperatelyseekingwisdom It's brutal and I feel for you, I do. I've been there with an alcoholic relative who died a few years back, and my mum is very hard to deal with. However, your kids are the most important people here. They've at a stage where they need you to help open up the world to them, please don't focus on your mum's world closing.

In the nicest way possible, why do you want to limit her drinking now? She's in her last years, she misses your Dad and is a bit lonely. What does it matter if she looks forward to opening a bottle (or two) of wine in the evening? It's probably the highlight of her day. Stopping now won't magically add 10 good quality years on to her life span. I honestly would just let her be.

I am speaking from experience. My Dad (almost 82) has been an alcoholic my whole life. After my Mum died, he seemed to be drinking more than ever. But it seemed to be his main source of enjoyment (that and food), so my sister and I just let him be. Bizarrely, after his last very scary stint in hospital, he has finally decided to not drink any more, after drinking daily for the past 50 years or so. Go figure!

I’d leave her to it, a copd death isn’t nice. It’s not like she has 40 years of good health to look forward to.

Thanks @CollagenQueen , that’s an interesting situation about your Dad. These elderly parents still have some tricks up their sleeve! Very good luck to him xx

In terms of why I was hoping to limit Mum’s alcohol intake… it’s an interesting question and making me stop and think. I suppose it’s because of the falls, the ill health she was in prior to her last admission to hospital, and the alcoholic fog she was under (drinking through the night due to waking in the night with health anxiety, sleeping until lunchtime and being very grumpy upon waking). I guess I was also worried it would be more difficult to help her manage things and keep her independence. Additionally, I suppose I’m (selfishly?) not wanting her to die as an alcoholic “on my watch”. She used to ask me to buy her alcohol in secret out of Dad’s earshot and it really used to upset me. I feel the alcoholism has driven a wedge between us prior to Dad’s death. So I have some baggage coming into this situation I suppose. You have given me food for thought though.

It’s not ‘on your watch’. Suggest seeking help for yourself and considering, with your siblings, options for when she’s unable to care for herself.

I think you just have to let her be. She's 79. There's no turning this around now and becoming some virtue of health, and living for another 20 years, is there?

Let her enjoy what time she has left. My own Mum died at 72, my DH's Mum even younger.

I'd try not to make her feel guilty, or a fool either. She's earned her stripes. She really does deserve to live out her final days just however she likes, without judgement. If you can't say "fuck it" at 79, when can you?

Thanks everyone for your perspectives, I can already see that to have posted here is one of the most important and valuable things I have ever done. Over the last few weeks I have never felt so lost, and your respectful advice and views are helping me to get in a healthy headspace for how to look forward into the future. I’m forever indebted to each of you for going to the trouble to reply.

i hope you’re familiar with the refrain for family and friends of alcoholics:

I didn’t cause this
I can’t control this
I can’t fix this

It’s hard enough to accept you have a problem and seek professional help when you’re younger, but when you’re elderly and bereaved and probably have other underlying health issues? It’s unlikely.

I’m so very sorry this is bubbling up when you’ve just lost your dad, I would seek help for yourself to come to term with the situation and be ready to help your mum if she asks for it. Wishing you strength.

You sound like a good daughter. She’s lucky she has you.

She needs counselling to understand the underlying reasons she is drinking, maybe bereavement counselling if you think that's the main reason.

It is very difficult to address this level of drinking without outside support. There are loads of online communities now if that's something you think she'd be able to access, but first of all I'd help her get counselling arranged

I was a problem drinker, on my way to becoming an alcoholic, from a family of alcoholics. I don’t drink at all now and that’s fine.

but you’d better bet that if I’m nearing 80, with a life limiting illness and my beloved spouse has died I will absolutely hit the bottle and drink myself to death.

as others have said, why do you want her to give up? It’s not like she’s suddenly going to have an amazingly healthy long life. Let her be.

Hello all, I wanted to follow up five months on from my original post in case anyone would like to know what happened next.

Since my original post, unfortunately we have lurched from crisis to crisis, with Mum being admitted to A&E 6 times with issues such as repeated falls, weakness, water infections, shakiness, confusion, dehydration, low salts. She has usually been “medically optimised for discharge” after a few days, via a drip of minerals and antibiotics, and sent home. I did manage to secure a place for her at a rehab unit, hoping for a longer stint of some sort to get some physio/strength back up, but she was very quickly discharged home.

Unfortunately her alcohol consumption has increased over the 5 months, and she now orders 3 or 4 large 1 litre bottles of gin a week in her online shop order 😰 She is now completely housebound and her mobility is deteriorating markedly with each hospital stay. She can now just about navigate between the couch and the commode with a walking frame.

Without Mum’s knowledge I have visited a couple of care homes and liked the feel of them, but the costs are absolutely astronomical (£1,500 per week) and this option would involve selling up the family home that she currently lives in, the thought of which kills me, having lost my Dad only 6 months ago and knowing all the heart and soul he and Mum poured into it in earlier life. Mum is adamant she doesn’t want to go into a home.

I have used all the extremely helpful advice provided by you at the time, to try to balance the care my young family needs against the emotional support my Mum needs as her health condition continues to deteriorate. I know she is frightened for the future and is drinking to escape from it all. Is it okay to “let her be” if her situation looks this sad? I am visiting her regularly, and doing my best to give her some “good days”. Thank you for reading x

PS I forgot to mention, with Mum’s agreement I arranged bereavement counselling for her, but she cancelled it when the counsellor rang her up 💔 I might gently remind her about that possibility again now a few months have passed

Oh and one extra thing 🙈 Mum has 4 carer visits a day as well

Big hugs OP - don’t know the answer but didn’t want to read and run.

with her illness and age it’s not as simple as should definitely go into care and stop drinking I suppose, but how long can you watch her do this? But also, I don’t think you can force her into care if she still has capacity.

so my advice would be to look after yourself first and foremost, because whatever you give to your mum in terms of your energy, some of it will be appreciated but some will be wasted due to the booze

@desperatelyseekingwisdom
I’m so very sorry. I’ve got no advice, but you’re an absolute saint to hang in there with your mum like this.
My aunt was an alcoholic. I didn’t get to see her very often, but she was a brilliant seamstress - so talented. But she drove her children away. They hated her until the day she died and they still hate her.
To me, that’s the most heartbreaking thing about alcoholism - what it does to families.
I wish you well. ❤️

Bless your heart, @desperatelyseekingwisdom. I'm so sorry. What a wretched time you are going through. NONE OF IT IS YOUR FAULT. You are not a bad person and you are doing your level best from a place of compassion and understanding.

Sadly, it doesn't sound like your mum is in a position to be able to stop. The online shop scenario and cancelled support visits indicate a doubling-down on the problem, even despite the hospital admissions. The thought of being admitted to hospital again due to my drinking and having to face the medical consequences of my choices is a powerful factor in my not choosing to tread that road again myself. But it is so very hard.

Especially sadly, I think I agree with you - yes. It is absolutely OK for you to “let her be” in her situation. There is almost literally nothing more you can do. Even if she were to go into a care home, there is no guarantee that she would not be able to procure more gin on the sly. When I was on a ward in hospital there were other patients who were getting it in somehow. If the grimness of hospital admission and treatment and all that goes with it is not enough to inspire a change in behaviours then there is little else that will. I think you have to step back for your own sake. I am so sorry. The carers will find her if there is a crisis. Sometimes you just have to let the crisis unfold.

You are visiting her regularly, and doing your best to give her some “good days”, which is much, much more than many in your shoes would do. You have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about. You've done your absolute best, but tragically sometimes not even the best of the best can help.

I think the time is here when you have to say "I'm sorry. I tried." and step back. And you really did try, above and beyond. Your mum is so lucky to have such an incredible daughter.

I think it's time to step forth with your young family now and give them - and you - the future that you all deserve. There will always be a sadness that your mum made the choices that she did, and the effect they have on her (and you), but hopefully, in time, you will find some level of acceptance that, despite your best efforts, you couldn't change her - though you tried your very hardest for so long. You have nothing to blame yourself for.

You can hope for better, strive for change - but you can also sometimes learn to accept that it just couldn't be. I am so, so sorry. I do hope that you are able to have some happier days ahead with your mum. But especially many, many more happy years and a strong future with your family, who are lucky to have such a strong and kind mum of their own.

Best wishes to you. xx

This is such a thoughtful and insightful post. Nothing to add but just wanted to acknowledge it.