Elderly dad

[Trixieboo87]

Hi so I have posted on here regarding my dad who’s been in and out of hospital & rehab
uti being the main issue
My dad was in rehab for a month and didn’t make any progress with walking , then got a uti and was hospitalised, when he was medically fit social services came in and after a family meeting with them and my dad it was agreed that my dad can’t go home as he couldn’t look after himself and has lost the ability to walk .

I did consider carers a few times a day but local authority doesn’t provide night care which my dad needs . We did balance all the options up for example my dad refuses to sit in the chair for more than an hour as he finds it painful I think it’s due to a lot of weight loss .
Im worries that if he needed the loo he’d have to soil himself or wait for the carer
He understands this and agrees so why am I finding it all so hard ?

[DustyLee123]

If he needs night care you either pay for it yourself, or he needs a home. My FIL thrived in a home, despite him fighting against going.

[Mosaic123]

This is very hard for both you and your Dad.

If you didn't find it really hard you wouldn't be a very caring person would you?

[IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere]

You are finding it so hard because you love him and want the best for him. It sounds like he has accepted the need for residential care and that is half the battle. You will still be able to visit, all his needs will be met and you can be his daughter. It is hard but sometimes it is the only option and it means you will be able to sleep at night, secure in the knowledge that he is being looked after.

[Trixieboo87]

Thankyou for your replies , I went to visit him today and he said he’d love to go home im at a loss and don’t know what to do
he’s curently waiting for a care home placement via social services he’ll get a 4 week assessment
If I changed my mind and decided that I wanted hon to go home could I change my mind about a care home ?! There’s so much paper work

[countrygirl99]

If he needs night care a home is really the best place. Night care means he really needs care 24 hours a day and unless you can fund that you will be on your knees in no time abd no good to anyone.

[InDubiousBattle]

We had a similar situation with my dad. He lost a really significant amount of weight which led to him having to be admitted to hospital where he got an infection which almost killed him and left him with delerium (so no capacity). He was given a bed at a local care him for a 4 week assessment period as there was no way he would cope at him at all (he couldn't walk at all at this point). The home were fantastic and he gained weight, the delirium cleared and started walking again. He's since moved into a flat in an assisted living type place.
So yes, you can change your mind about the home, providing he has capacity and there is a plan in place for him to be properly cared for but to be honest sometimes a nursing/residential home is the safest and best place for someone to be.
You're finding it hard because it really, really is hard. The months and months of dealing with my dad were probably the most stressful I've ever had.

[Trixieboo87]

Thankyou so much I’m so pleased to hear that your poor dad recovered it’s amazing what can be done with the right care .
A placement has been found for my dad I doubt he’ll ever walk again the confidence has gone the nurses just help him from bed to the chair now sadly .
A 4 week placement has been found for him which I looked at today it looks ok but it’s hard to tell anything else .

[WhatHaveIFound]

My dad is thriving in a care home having struggled being looked after at home by my aged mother (plus morning carers) for the last few years. He'd been hospitalised with sepsis and spent 5 weeks so had lost a significant amount of weight.

Since being at the home he's put on weight and made has progress on walking too, despite only transferring from bed to chair before. It's made life a lot less stressful for all of us.

[Trixieboo87]

Thankyou for your reassuring reply , it’s lovely to hear that your dad is thriving it’s heart breaking .Im finding care home daunting as he was so independent after my mum died , Covid got him
May I ask how you found a good care home please ?

[WhatHaveIFound]

It started with a frantic phoning round as we needed respite care when my mum was in hospital. Local social services (who were extremely unhelpful) could only offer one possibility in their health authority so I had my DH at home phoning round.

We managed to find a Bupa home with a respite bed and then later when dad had been in hospital they were able to offer him a full time place. They're now full so we were very lucky to get the place when we needed it.

[InDubiousBattle]

Social services found my dad's home initially (for the 4 week assessment period)as he lacked capacity and me and my sister didn't have POA. We were asked our preference in terms of location and were just lucky they found him a bed close by.
Whilst the home were great they were the cheapest available and had my dad needed permanent care we would have probably wanted to move him so I looked at several other homes locally. I just rang them and asked to look. They're very expensive so falling over themselves to show me around! As dad made such great progress at thr home that within a couple of months that we thought a small flat with a warden and carers would be manageable and I found that just by Googling local supported/social housing and applied.