Dads dyeing slowly. Any tips on how to keep on going?

[Viviennethebeautiful]

My dad is coming 95. Until a fall a year ago he was remarkable. Amazingly he didn’t break anything but he did have a month in hospital, while house adaptations and care package were being sorted.

While in hospital he deteriorated mentally quite dramatically. He had clear signs of dementia before but was mentally competent. Since going home he has deteriorated again. He is now eating little and is not stable even with a zimmer frame.

He is clearly slowly dying. I am doing what I can practically but know I am not handling it too well emotionally.

Any tips for me? Practical and emotional both welcome.

thank you

He’s dying, not changing colour🤦‍♀️

It sounds like you really love your dad. It is so hard to see them almost disappear before your eyes. My dad was in hospital (awful time- the ward was closed for a month because of norovirus, I was trying to care for my kids, my disabled mum and find out what was happening to him day by day) and as soon as the ward reopened we were told he had cancer and he died two weeks later.

Dad was too weak to say much - and to be fair, as a family "I love you" was said daily- so I didn't need to hear that but it helped me to tell him how much I loved him, how grateful I was for everything he had done for me and taught me, for all the things he had done for my children. I bought him little treats - jelly, trifle, fizzy drinks - no worries about dental issues when you only have a week or two to live. I just showered him with love.

It's only now, looking back that I realise that those things helped. I have no regrets, there is nothing I wish I had said or done. I just made sure he was loved and he knew it.

Your dad might have a lot longer than mine did but for your own mental health say and do everything you can because if I had to suffer the pain of losing him and regret at not saying stuff it would have been so much harder.

I’d also chip in that you start to grieve when you see them fade in front of you. So if you are not doing well emotionally, cut yourself some slack because you have entered a ‘new phase’ of pre-mourning.

Another thing to counter act the sad stuff is to play the numbers game. Good for Dad, one year of hospital stuff out of 95 years means he’s running at less than 2% of poor health across a lifetime. How well has he done! Tell him how proud you are of his health and taking such good care. He is an inspiration. He’s an above average Dad in all his stats Take each day as a special bonus and swing everything to be as positive as you can.
Wishing you well.

Talk to him as much as you can, and if it wouldn’t be awkward, record him speaking too.
Take some photos of you together. Look at other photos together, and listen to old family stories again.

on a practical level, does he have a will? Do you know where he wants to be buried etc? Does he have any funeral requests?

Is your mum still around? If so, will she be ok for money after he dies, before his estate is sorted. If not, consider getting some funds out of the bank.

are district nurses involved? If not, do they need to be? Do you have air beds etc that will make him more comfortable at home?

might be worth watching a few videos about how to move elderly people, especially in case of falls.

Be kind to yourself. Try and make life as simple as possible for now.

Sorry, I have no words of wisdom - the only thing I'd say is to make sure you have any conversation you need to have, ie don't leave anything unsaid for when it's too late ... even if it's just 'I love you'. We assume our loved ones know, but it's good to say it.

This is such good advice.

I'm so sorry. Can I recommend the book With the end in mind by Kathryn Mannix, it's a superb book by a palliative care consultant.

Thank you for all your messages and great advice. I have always been very close to dad, mom became ill when I was 14 and withdrew from life. As she didn’t die for another 40 years it was all a bit strange.

I have both POAs, there is a will, DNR and I do know what sort of funeral he wants. We do talk a lot but he is past the stage of much in the way of conversation except about times when he was a child.

A year ago we went to on holiday for a few days. Everyone in the hotel knew him and spoke to him, I have a picture of him on his 93rd birthday when we took him to the Ivy and he looks so happy and well.

The decline has been frighteningly fast and, although at 90+ i knew this could happen any time, it’s so quick, hard to watch and hurts so much. Carers come in 4 times a day and the District Nurse once per week.

Thank you for the book recommendation. Anything else anyone thinks of would be so welcome. Sometimes I feel I am not coping well at all.

I second recording his voice if you can. I have a teeny tiny recording of my dad snorting in laughter. I listen to it far more than i look at photos/videos. I really regret not having recorded him saying anything at all.
That’s for you afterwards; for now, you’ve has good advice already. Simplify what you can and spend time with him. My sympathies.