Persuing dementia concerns

[SpottyDoll]

I began to have concerns about my mother approx 18 months ago. There was some stuff that seemed off. There was a relatively smooth patch over the past few months with a question mark over some memory like turning on the oil burner to heat the water and forgetting about it.

Lately there is an increase in behaviours. She seems to have become more obsessive. Also in the mornings she looks confused and disoritated. She's more angry too and especially during this time in the mornings.

The morning time behaviours is what's working me the most. She looks dazed. It seems as if shes forgetting how to speak or react in a normal voice and it's coming out as cross and angry. That's what it looks like to me.
Then something else that I observed. It looks like she's not able to read things. As in I found a half empty tube of toothpaste in the bin. Other times, half empty jars of my marmite. It seems as if she doesn't know if things are empty or not.
The battle over the past few days - there's brown stains at the end of the kitchen sink. When she runs the cold tap, the water and the brown stains reflect into each other and my mother is reading the water as if it's dirty. I examined the water and it's not cloudy or dirty. We do have bottled water and she's using that but she's paranoid and she's not able to see things properly.

There's stuff that's not right.

I feel like I need to presume this with her GP. She won't be able to tell her doctor this.

However I have other concerns. I can't afford a dementia diagnosis right now. She started divorce proceedings 5 years ago and it was long and drawn out and still not finished.

On the other hand - there's stuff that's not right with my mother and I definitely see stuff that would indicate a cognitive decline.

[confusedlots]

From seeing other friends go through this with their parents, the first thing you should be thinking of is getting her to nominate someone (you?) as power of attorney before she loses mental capacity, if she hasn't already done this.

[SpottyDoll]

@confusedlots

From seeing other friends go through this with their parents, the first thing you should be thinking of is getting her to nominate someone (you?) as power of attorney before she loses mental capacity, if she hasn't already done this.

I discovered POA last year but she is refusing to do anything legal. It seems as if she doesn't understand or care about the consequcences.

I have three siblings and they all live abroad. I found a situation last year where she had one of these siblings as her next of kin. When I reflected on that, it made no sense. If anything was to happen to her here and a doctor needed her next of kin, he's on a different continent. She begrudgingly changed her next of kin to me because she had to during a hospital appointment because I was the only one with her.
It seems as if she has a distrust of me even though I never gave a reason not to distrust me. I worked since I was 13 years old and I always helped her. Even now, my heart is in a place of having concerns for her. I think if it was my brother talking about legal stuff and POA she would jump at it because she views men as more powerful and women as weak or something. She wouldn't say no to a man whereas she would argue with me.

I'm in a place where I have concerns about her and I would love to help her more but I am also in a place where I am tempted to take a very large step backwards. I don't have the will to do this. If this is dementia, I do t have the nergy or the will to put up with abuse from a parent with a failing mind.

[Horsemad]

OP, you REALLY need to get POA done - and fast.

My Mum didn't/wouldn't set it up - she's now lost capacity & it is a much more complicated and expensive process to gain Deputyship, which is what we're having to do now to access her finances to sort out payment for her care home.

It's VERY stressful - for me - not her, she's blissfully unaware... 🫤

[thedevilinablackdress]

Could you speak to siblings and see if they could persuade her to set up POA - you could all be on it, not just you.

[Whawillthefuturebring]

It maybe worth taking her to get her eyes tested as lots of your concerns relate to sight.

[Qualityh20]

It seems as if she doesn't understand or care about the consequences.

I think this is sometimes the problem, they don't care because they assume we will always sort it out for them, no matter how badly they behave.
My parents are arrogant and expect me to deal with problems, usually very time consuming, with zero thanks. I found out recently my siblings have poa for my mum's finances in case my dad passed first but if my dad goes first his pension ends with him, she will have to go in a home, house, utilities, everything in dad's name, it will be a shit show. He will not do poa, he says when he goes we will have to sort it out. If mum goes first he will sell house and spend his last year's [he is 91] in a luxury retirement home.
They were shit parents, attention seeking, narcissist, alcoholics. I finally went NC Feb 1st this year. You reach a point where you have to walk away for your sanity.
Your mum has made a sibling poa as mine has, I'm glad because I can walk away no responsibility. Siblings have repeatedly said they have no intention of sorting anything out. It would be funny if it wasn't so bonkers. When they make bad/spiteful decisions, I am afraid they must take the consequences.