Guilt and telephone calls..

[AnotherdayinMay]

My dad went in a care home last October leaving my mum at home on her own. She doesn’t have many friends but does chat here and there with neighbours. I ring her every night to check all is ok, see her on a Sunday and usually a day in the week for tea. There’s only me as I’ve no siblings but I find our telephone calls getting longer and longer. I try to cut them short but then feel guilt when I do. I do work 30 hours so it’s not like I get that much time to myself sometimes. Grandchildren don’t visit only speak on the phone occasionally.
What would you do?

Time your calls to have a natural termination. While you’re cooking tea so you have to stop to attend to it. As you’re walking to the car for the commute home.

Meanwhile, try to encourage her to get out to places where she’ll meet people. Book clubs, knit and natter, volunteering.

That's a LOT of time on the phone! I imagine it's also impractical for you. And also encouraging dependence - what happens if you can't phone one day?

It could also be stopping her going out and interacting with others as she knows she'll always be talking to you later on. So you could encourage her to go and do something available locally to meet more people.

I time limit mine (and I speak to her once a week and definitely no more than that!) by bookending with something else, ringing her late so she's about to go to bed (this isn't deliberate - by the time I've commuted, done kid tea and bedtime it IS late by her standards!) so she ends the call. Have an urgent call come in on the other phone. Or a social engagement.

How old is your mum? Obviously it would be better if she had more face-to-face company - are there day centres in her area?