DFIL lonely & alcohol dependent, what can we do?

[PapayaMango]

Seeking advice for supporting DFIL (late 60s) who's been struggling since losing DMIL just over 7 years ago. He's become lonely and is dealing with alcohol dependency.

He refuses help and constantly declines all invitations unless it’s a special occasion such as GC birthday party or funeral (which is sad to say but have been occurring around him more often, but even those he’s finding reasons to decline, I can understand why).

We live an hour and a half away and between work, preschool and commitments we can't visit as often as we'd like but we do make sure to go when we can and Skype regularly. My mum calls him too. He sees DSIL and young DN about once a week.

We’re doing what we can whilst managing our lives but he is still terribly lonely and it’s clearly not enough. He doesn’t want to go anywhere or do much outside his home. His health is visibly declining and he refuses to see a doctor about his failing memory, tremors, falls and other things.

I imagine it must be quite hard on his pride and self esteem but no one is sure what to do when he just flat out refuses to do anything that could help.

Talk of joining a local club, attending a day centre with other people his age or speaking to someone through a helpline etc are usually shut down.

We’ve been going through this dance for so long and it’s taking a real toll on DH and DSIL. I don’t really know how to support them both either.

How do you help someone when they refuse to help themselves?

Any advice or insight welcome.

Thank you

NC as it’s a sensitive family matter and not wanting to link to possibly outing posts

That does sound incredibly difficult and I can't see how you are going to help him if he won't help himself.

I would perhaps contact al-anon as you seem to be the family of an alcoholic. However he's got there, this is what he is.

I'd also stop the suggestions. He currently doesn't want help or want to change.

You can do practical things like reducing the risk of trips in his home though and fitting smoke alarms and carbon monoxide detectors if he hasn't got those already.

Could you encourage DH to access some counselling? It must be hard having a parent deteriorate when their own actions are causing a lot of the deterioration.

You can write to his GP with your concerns. They can’t talk to you about him, but they may be able to get him in on some pretext. Which may not be of any use.

Don’t try and fill in for all the stuff he refuses to do for himself. By all means do practical stuff as @SiouxsieSiouxStiletto says, but don’t feel you need to be a substitute for the clubs he won’t even try. He has no incentive if you provide everything he needs

You can write to his GP with your concerns. They can’t talk to you about him, but they may be able to get him in on some pretext. Which may not be of any use.

Very, very good advice. I done this twice with different relatives. One elderly relative has been given better care for this Diabetes and a SW and the other was treated for depression, which up to that point they'd even refused to discuss.

@SiouxsieSiouxStiletto and @MereDintofPandiculation thank you both for responding, I appreciate it.

Some great suggestions here. DH will know his GP info so a letter to them can’t hurt at this stage and hopefully help. There’s a possibility he hides his drinking from his doc and if he’s being prescribed they should have information like that anyway.

Next time we pop round I’ll make sure to do do a recce for all the practical stuff.

And you’re right, we can’t fill in for all the things he won’t do himself, there is a level of having to resign ourselves to the fact you can’t force someone to be and act how you want them to.

Possibly a bit drip-feed-y but I lost my own GF in similar (eerily so) circumstances and I’d be heartbroken to see it happen to FIL too. I felt helpless and useless then too but I did find peace in accepting he was a grown man who made his own decisions and loved us as best as he could under the circumstances.

Great point about DH. I agree, I think he would really benefit from speaking to someone impartial about it all. I will suggest it to him.

thank you again, you’ve been very helpful