How to tell my mum I want to move out without causing offence?

[guildingthelily]

Hi all,

Looking for some advice on how to tell my mum that I wish to move out. I have been living with her for 2 years, along with my 2 children who will both be in secondary school from September onwards. We have been living with her following the death of my dad/her husband. She has a big-ish 4 bedroom house with a garden, 2 bathrooms etc. So there is lots of room for us all and we are very comfortable in that sense. However, as much as she has tried to make us feel welcome, I am very aware of the fact it her home. It's her furniture. Her decor. Her stuff absolutely everywhere.

Long story short, I really want to have my own space with my things, where I can do what I want and when I want without judgement, e.g. invite friends randomly, listen to loud music etc. I feel like I cannot really be my true self here as I am a version of myself that is presentable to my mum and respectful of her ways and her house. It's quite frankly suffocating. She wants to know what I'm doing, where I am going, who with, what my plans are for dinner etc. I am 46 ffs!

She will be fine health wise for the time being - she still has all her marbles and is relatively fit for a 73 year old. But she will be more lonely....

So the question is how do I tell her? (I have just bought a rather small 3 bed house and I'm renting it out, so I do have home to go to just up the road.

A pet can be a great companion ime!!

She has a beloved dog already!

Hi @guildingthelily
I totally hear you, especially the part about where i'm going, what i'm doing! I think just tell your Mum you're moving out. It will hurt for a day or two but your Mum will get used to the idea. Honestly it'll be ok xx

If you’re renting it out how long will it be before the tenants leave?

I think maybe tell your mum you would like your kids to establish themselves in their teenage home as it’s likely they’ll still be there in their twenties. You don’t want them to miss the experience of bonding with a house they might be returning to in their thirties and forties.

You could say it has been such a positive experience living with your mum, you want to make sure that your kids will be able to feel comfortable living with their mum.

Or you could say you know your kids are going to get very hormonal and noisy. And you want to root them somewhere before that happens.

I’m not sure if that makes sense. It’s a bit of a weak excuse to be honest.

Tell her. Make sure you have the positives in mind ... that she, too, gets her own home to herself and that you aren't far away. You can't live with her forever, and as a fit 73 year old it also gives her time to think if she wants to downsize, move home etc.

This is a good point - although my kids are delightful at the moment, who knows how they will change in the teenage years. I am not sure teenagers and living with grandparents is a great combo. Also, she would be way too interested in any potential girlfriends/boyfriends, not just for them but for me too. The likelihood of me ever bringing some one back for my mum to quiz and judge to high heavens is not an incentive to get back out there (I am soon to be divorced).

Move out but offer to accompany her to church, WI, book club, U3A , exercise class etc so she can meet others.

We have had a dc move back in with us and it has its challenges 😂

It is possible that she is finding it increasingly difficult to share her home with several other people, however much she loves you all, but can't bring herself to mention it to you in case you get upset at being asked to move out.

She may secretly be pleased with the idea. Agree not sure teenagers and grandparents are a good mix to live together full time.

I have a similar story
Lost my dad at the same time as my mum was diagnosed with a long term condition which affects mobility
All was well till lockdown, moved in with her for lockdown and I've never fully got back to normal, I spend half my week at hers
Her mobility has reduced since diagnosis but she can still live alone
I often feel awkward saying I'm going home
Recently I said I was going and she pipes up but you were there last weekend and had to say yes I live there

It's difficult op, I fully understand how you feel. She will get used to it. Don't be too nice like me or you'll also be stuck between two homes

From the opposite angle I have an adult daughter living with us, I love to have her here but worry she needs more of her own space. I couldn't possibly suggest she moves out (selfishly maybe I really want her to stay here in many ways) but think it might be best for her.

It's great to have an answer from the other perspective. I'm sure my mum has picked up on me trying to have my own space. Although she is still always knocking on my bedroom door to tell me stuff 😅

Please give your tenants a decent amount of time in that property!

I will give at least a year. It was rented out to a friend who needed somewhere urgently and on the understanding that it would initially be a one year contract.

It may be simple interest in the life of someone she loves. But to you, there are memories of childhood and teenage years, so it feels like checking up.