Dysfunctional Family Holiday

[Venu]

I had the great idea of arranging a family holiday with my family in Fiji. (my parents live in Fiji) I live in the UK and my sister lives in Australia. My mum is 78 and my dad is 82. They are in super health.

Growing up, my childhood was very strict and stifling. They were very critical and judgemental. They both had set ideas such as you should never be overweight, you had to dress conservatively and they would force my sister and I to have short hair. They would do anything for my sister and I such as put us through university, buy cars, support us with deposits and other financial support. They were very kind in so many ways and they aren't monsters but just very conservative etc. My opinion was and still is that they mean and meant well. My mum is very strong and is pretty much in charge of my dad in many ways. I know I am very fortunate to have two healthy parents who love me in their own way. They are overbearing and overinvolved. They are disapproving and do still have the power to really upset me. I have learnt to over look many comments over the years to do with my life choices, racism or homophobia. They are passive aggressive so will make comments that will hurt or direct comments. An example is comments on how much I eat, what I eat, how much I drink etc.

My sister has developed from 15 mental health issues such as high anxiety and is on anti-depression tablets. She is currently in an abusive relationship and has been hospitalised twice. She is seeking support for this.

I made the difficult decision to tell my parents the first time she was in hospital as I live in the UK and they live closer in Fiji. I was terrified and thought someone should go and get her immediately. She doesn't live with this abusive man and he lives close by so my parents were scared of going over there and my sister refused to see them anyway. She had begged me not to tell them as they knew nothing of the abuse. I just felt so bad lying to them and wouldn't be able to forgive myself if something went wrong.

Since finding out about the abuse, my mum hasn't been able to sleep and she collapsed whilst my sister and I were here due to the stress of seeing my sister and worrying about her. The doctors felt the chest pains were stress related. I suggested my mum get counselling. My sister refuses to speak to them about it and I feel so bad for involving them now mum's health has suffered and my sister is under huge pressure from them to open up to them.

I am in the middle, My sister opens up to me so whilst home, I wanted to take her for a drink at a local bar as a change of environment. My mum is anti alcohol and my dad hates pubs (one of their many set ideas). I told them it would help my sister if she had a glass of wine and spoke about this horrid abuse. I said I needed time to speak with her face to face as we talk on the phone and it is very destressing for us. It really helped her. They have rigid dinner times and I called mum to say I needed another hour. They both went mad. They shouted and dad even swore about why we weren't back earlier. He yelled at my sister as she tried a piece of cheese from his salad etc. It was so unpleasant. My sister cried and I felt terrible. I made time to do this again. HALF an hour before their dinner time after a shopping trip with my sister and knew the reaction but felt lots of positives were coming from our face to face discussions. Again when getting home, they shouted and told us they'd been waiting and I was being sucked in by my sister and other things like they had been waiting (they hadn't) and why weren't we all talking as a family about my sister's situation. My dad blames her for causing mum to be hospitlised.

Such a long message sorry. I have 5 more days and I don't want to fall out with them. I nearly fell out with my sister when she overheard me saying to my dad I am worried about mum's stress levels due to my sister's situation and she felt we were blaming her which I can see. I did need to take this time with my sister as I am worried sick and my parents also need info from me as my sister feels she can't talk to them. Family therapy is long gone and should've happened beforehand. I am doing the best I can but I am very emotionally drained. I love my parents and KNOW how LUCKY I am to have them.

This sounds very tough. I think your problem is that you have two separate things going on and they’ve become intertwined. One is how your parents treat you and the other is the desire to help your sister.

Would it be possible for you and your sister to stay somewhere else for the last few days? Tell your parents that you all need some space - they are clearly very stressed by your sisters situation and you’re going to remove that burden from them by staying elsewhere (whether near enough for meeting up or further away for an actual break). Then you can focus on your sister.

your parents sound incredibly controlling. Shouting at you about dinner times and disapproving of grown women going for a drink is not normal.

it sounds as though you’re still reacting to them as if you’re a teenager or small child rather than an adult. I am sure you don’t want a big falling out but they will fall out with you anyway if you don’t follow their rigid rules. If you can be brave you should be able to say that you won’t be shouted at or told what to do when you’re acting completely reasonably. Meal times are important but your sister’s situation is more so. They themselves are so stressed by the gravity of what’s happening to her and yet they are getting more worked up about dinner time! They need to refocus their priorities and give you space to help your sister.

I am not surprised you live so far away from your parents and even then it’s sounds as though you are scared of them. Once you’re back in the UK you might consider seeking therapy to give you some methods of managing how you feel about and respond to them?

Your DPs sound awful.

My DPs can be rigid about mealtimes since they have become older, and the short hair thing resonated- many of us with disgusting pudding bowl haircuts as children in the 80s.

Personally I'd try to get out as much as possible. Any trips you can go on to escape? You don't need to be grateful and lucky to have your DPs you know.

Your parents sound awful and I don't think you're lucky to have them.

Can you spend time alone with your sister for the next 5 days but not in ways that your parents will disapprove of? Eg go for a coffee rather than to the pub and make sure you're back for mealtimes.

Well I can see why you and your sister live so far from your parents. And I'm pretty sure I know where your sister’s mental health problems and poor relationship choices stem from.

Your parents think they own you. They have bought your compliance with their “generosity” and I bet your mums “chest pain” is a punishment to your sister for her transgression in allowing herself to be controlled by someone other than them; that an an attempt to regain control.

Get through the next few days the best you can, get over to the toxic parents boards here, and invest in a good therapist when you get home.

Oh my goodness, you guys have made my day! I can’t see the wood for the trees!

I have worked hard on myself to build my confidence over the years. My sister is less fortunate. I feel so upset with myself that I virtually blamed my sister for mum collapsing! I was so shocked and it was sad seeing dad so diminished. Mum wants her to open up to her but I see it is very triggering being home.

My sister and I would hurt my parents feelings so much to live elsewhere whilst on holiday. I can’t have us all living here under their roof again unless they are less rigid and more flexible. I wonder at the worth of talking to them about it? My dad actually said we shouldn’t come over due to the stress of my sister’s life and a stressful relationship break up I had. My mum and I talk daily. I do over share and this hasn’t helped my relationship with them!

@Venu sadly your DPs aren't going to change. I wouldn't bother discussing it with them.

If you ever do visit again- and I'd say it's not a great idea - I'd go for separate accommodation if you can.

My sister and I would hurt my parents feelings so much to live elsewhere whilst on holiday.

So it's fine for them to hurt your feelings for the next five days, and for the painful atmosphere to push your sister deeper into suffering?

You and your sister clearly have a good, balanced & helpful relationship. Why would you not want to make the most of it whilst you're together, preferring instead to expose you both to further parental onslaughts?

Staying elsewhere might hurt your parents' feelings, or bruise their egos. As I imagine they might say - they made their bed, let them lie in it.

You'll still see them, after all!

You are the absolute opposite of lucky with those awful people as parents. I hope you and your sister get the love and support you both need ❤️

Gosh, such helpful comments! My sister in many ways is stronger than me. As they have gotten older, they are running out of steam sadly but the comments keep coming.Mum, who is a size 8, commented on my sister’s breakfast as in why are you having so much porridge. It’s healthy!!! Ny sister said that she didn’t want to end up looking emancipated like her! Mum backed down straight away.

When mum was tied up to tubes and a heart monitor my sister was very heartless and said dad and I were fussing and she’d be alright. It was hard to watch her as she wouldn’t hug mum etc. She’s not the most huggable mum but she does licdd Ed us in her own way. My poor sister is unkept at times but I as M so proud of how far she’d had come in the world of top finance. She seems to revert back to being a child around them in terms of the topics she discusses.

Not sure if I did the right thing in organising this holiday! Considering dad said he didn’t want us to come in the first place. I wrote an email about family values etc. I don’t think it is healthy for my sister to be here and we need to visit them separately and see each other separately. Never again! They visited me for 2 weeks and my ex partner who was also pretty controlling and was super intelligent, really rattled them. He totally told them what to do and they listened for once in their lives!

You and your sister need to live your own lives and this may need distancing yourself from your DP’s.

I think you're behaving quite strangely tbh OP. I don't understand why you're forcing everyone into close proximity - both physically and emotionally.

Your sister didn't want you to tell your parents about the abuse, but you did.

Your dad told you not to come and visit, but you emailed and insisted, then did, and dragged your sister there too.

You've decided to stay with your parents instead of having some space from them despite knowing they say hurtful things and try to control you both.

You decided to repeatedly take your sister out at a time that clashed with the meal times that you know your parents are rigid about and would be angry about.

You over share with your parents by your own admission, which is just giving them ammunition to berate you about. And then wonder why they keep having a go at you.

They're incredibly controlling and you and your sister have both found yourself in controlling relationships. Can you not see that you're conditioned by them to see that as normal?

I'm surprised your sister hasn't had a big fall out with you for sharing her business with them when she's told you not to. Don't be surprised if she stops telling you things if she can't trust you not to blab.

I organised this trip because my parents are elderly and dad is losing confidence to travel. They worry about me spending money to come over here. I won’t probably see them if I don’t come over. Most of my friend’s have lost their parents or they are sick. I didn’t force my sister to come over! She went away for a few days to stay with friends. She wanted to see me as we haven’t seen each other for 3 years. I tried to see her separately before coming to Fiji
but it was too expensive for me.

My dad says mum changes when we are around and leaves him out and corrects him etc.I know mum has been looking forward to this as she misses us as we live so far away.

I can see I was in a controlling relationship and left it. I believe there is a connection between my sister’s mental health and her upbringing. My relationship choices might be contributed to my upbringing but I look back and have gone out with a variety of personality types. I went out with sone lovely guys but my problem was partying too much and not settling down. Also travelling the world. I can’t blame my parents for these bad choices.

My sister had been working from home so dinner times were the only times to catch up! I didn’t force her. These were opportunities she wanted to take to speak to me too.

I do regret telling them about my sister’s abuse. I apologised for this. Like I said, when I was first told I was in the middle of nowhere and she was rushed to hospital. I thought she was going to die so felt my parents needed to know. It was an incredibly hard decision to make believe me! I told my sister I am to blame for mum’s stress due to me telling them! She has had another serious hospital incident since I told my parents. She did tell me about that and I didn’t tell them and won’t again. She can trust me and hopefully she will in the future as I want to help and am always there for her. It’s easy to judge someone’s choices when you aren’t in the situation and hindsight is a great tool.

Your family is horribly dysfunctional. Your parents are abusive, and you are not lucky to have them. You're too enmeshed to see that, hence this holiday because tou feel sorry for your dad (you feel responsible for him - no boundaries) the oversharing and breach of your own boundaries, the breach of your sister's boundaries by telling your parents detsils she didn't want you to tell them.

Get therapy. You are the product of your upbringing, and so is your sister, and your relationships will continue to be chaotic and unhappy until you acknowledge the problems you're carrying around with you and deal with them. Neither of you has solid boundaries because neither of you was brought up with respect for your boundaries.

Thanks everyone for taking the time to respond. I do agree with most of the comments.

I am going to prioritise my sister’s health and support her through her difficulties. I certainly have learnt from mistakes I made.

I accept my relationship with my parents is dysfunctional. It is like this when I am back in Fiji in my home. I do revert back so in that sense I am affected by my childhood for sure. I feel sad that my sister was so affected by our upbringing. Yet I wasn’t in the same way. I haven’t have chaotic relationships like many of my friends, yet they have had a heathy relationship with their parents. It cannot be purely down to your parents. Certainly I recognise my issues with parents and even at this late stage I need to address them.