Care home visit frequency advice

[papillonpotato]

My grandmother, who is 91 years old, currently resides in a care facility. My mother anticipates my visits every other day, and on the days when she can't make it, I'm expected to fill in, which occasionally results in two consecutive days of visits or more. It's been several months since my grandmother moved into the care home, and I'm attempting to convey to my mother that maintaining such a rigid schedule might not be sustainable. We should have the flexibility to visit when we can, without adhering to such a strict routine. My Mum doesn't take this well and gets very short with me and angry. I don't really know what to think.

It's her guilt being projected on to you perhaps?

We used to go and see my granny pretty much everyday even if it was just on way back from somewhere for a cup of tea. There were 4 of us so it wasn’t every day for everyone

Hi, thanks, yes quite possibly, I am finding it stressful. I would expect her to say ok, I understand it's not because you don't love her.. Visits are rarely less then an hour sometimes up to 3 hours (not including travelling) and can be hard, with Nan being very bad tempered at times with (and it's not her fault) dementia. I just think it would be better to start spacing them out. But this always met with a very curt almost aggressive conversation, I've tried a couple of times, but it reverts back to lots of visits, and I get texts chasing me that I have been to see her.

Would your grandmother be aware of your visit or not?

This is a really difficult one.

Just for context, I see my mother once a week at most. She's an hour away from me so it's 3 hours minimum per visit (usually more like 4) and I work full time. My sister goes every few weeks (she's even further away) and my brother is overseas but does phone her quite often even if there is not much verbal response (she smiles a lot when he calls though). Most of her friends and all her siblings are dead. The wider family are a long way away.

The visits are frankly hard going. I don't feel good about visiting at this rate but I do need rest, time with ds, time with dp, housework, shopping and all the rest of it. I've decided this is what I can do. I'm helped by the fact my mum was brutally realistic about this sort of thing.

I think you need to decide what you can do, and have it out with your mum. If you feel you can do twice a week on set days, that would be a lot tbh. Could anyone else join the 'schedule'? But even if they can't, pick your days and stick to it.

You can't expect your mum to like it. She will probably be furious and will run herself into the ground trying to fill the gap. Discuss it with her, have the argument.

Visit her when you can.
Your mother is guilt ridden and is projecting on you.
Don't let your mum guilt trip you.

OMG, your DM is being so cruel to you.
I thought exactly what @Yolo12345 said
I’d be suggesting once a fortnight if you were my daughter and I’m sure your Grandmother would expect you to be living your own life and not hanging out so frequently at care home... Let your DM do what suits her and try to ignore the texts and pressure.
My DM was in care home for 8 years.

Well, good question, she does get her days mixed up. When I visit she's very pleased and never wants me to go. There are somedays I just don't feel up to it. Like today, and when she's really bad tempered (again not her fault and I remember this), it's hard. But she will know if I haven't been for a few days.

I went every day for first few weeks, then couple of times a week once settled in, and extra short visits if i happened to be passing. Was only 20 min away though.
I was only regular visitor - others went for high days and holidays!

Thanks for all your messages! I really am, I have been quite upset about all this today.

It is a delicate one, but I do feel what ever I say or do, it just isn't enough with my DM. It would just be an argument, and was pretty much one today about it. No thought to me and that I need a couple of days break every few days.

My mum has two regular visits each week - my uncle goes once a week and my cousin and I go another day. Mum has no concept of time and is always amazed and pleased to see us. However if we don't go for any reason - we both had to isolate because of operations - she doesn't realise she hasn't seen us for a while.

My dad is 86, been in psychiatric assessment units since April. No clear diagnosis. His partner of 20 years has returned to her home country to comply with immigration, and won’t be back for some months. my siblings and I try to visit him in rotation with one of us there each week- it’s a minimum of 3-4 hours round trip travel for each of us, for a 1 hour visit . We’re only allowed 1 hour in a visitor room with a 1:1 care supporter in room all the time.
he perks up when we visit, but is completely lost in his own nightmare world. He generally wants us to go after 30 mins or even 10 mins as he has delusions that mean he needs to go somewhere else. We have to be quite firm to say we’ve just arrived after Long drive and ain’t going anywhere just yet

he doesn’t know days, time, tracking. I’m pretty sure it is more us needing to see him than,other way round now.

as my eldest sibling says: whatever we do HAS to be sustainable for YEARS. Your mum can’t keep this up. I’d suggest her getting in touch with carer support groups to get her to place where she realises every other day will make her ill eventually, and give her confidence she’s not neglecting her mum by say twice weekly . Only when she’s got there herself, will it be easy for you to ease off

of course you can just say no- but you will probably find relationship with mum very difficult until she crashes and burns 2 years or so down the line.

@Appleofmyeye2023 Thanks, and my love to you, your family and your dad, that can't be easy.
You are right about that, my DM will quite possibly start to run herself in to the ground, if not already. We don't know how long we will be in this situation. It could be a while. Totally agree though, I don't think she's ready to hear that I don't think everyday is sustainable, until she realises it too.

I go to see my mum roughly every 6 weeks and I don't feel any guilt about it (it helps that no one is guilt tripping me about it though). She has dementia and just about knows who I am still.

Your relationship with your grandmother is between you and her and none of your mother's business. She should not be meddling, guilt tripping etc. But I think you are going to have to stand up to her and put boundaries in place because otherwise she will just trample over you.

Presumably you have a job and a social life and other commitments but even if you didn't it's perfectly reasonable to not want to go every day (or even every week) and it's not going to have any impact on your grandma - she is presumably being well looked after in the home. It does seem as though your mother doesn't see you as a separate person with needs and wants of your own (it's quite common, my mum was the same and a ton of therapy helped me put boundaries in place).

Visit as little or often as you're comfortable with and shut your mum down if she tries to give you grief about it. Walk away, put the phone down, whatever.

As a PP alluded to if you visit weekly you will be doing more than most residents families. It is incredible how few people have regular visitors. I would tactfully suggest to your Mum she looks at what other visitors she sees when she goes.

My Mum has visitors every day. Mix of me, OH and my aunts. I usually do fill in if someone else cannot go but she doesn’t miss us if we don’t visit. I did beat myself up and the guilt was terrible if we missed a day but I’m getting better and have now managed a couple of holidays. I have adult children who don’t visit at all. Honestly, I would like them to make the occasional visit, as she adored them, but they don’t and as she now lives in a world before they (and I ) were born I don’t push it.

I’m sorry for you and your Mum. I was once told that I should look after myself too, my mental health, my physical health so I tell myself that when I can’t go or if the visit is so bad I leave early. You, and your mum , need to do this too. Your Mum will get there eventually but it will take time, meantime stay strong and firm. Visit when you can but no extras. Take care

This is my advice: don’t attempt to persuade your mum. She’s not ready to hear it, if she ever will be. Just don’t go so often. Decide what you can manage and do that. On the days when you aren’t going, respond to her calls/texts/messages very briefly (“I can’t go today”) and then don’t engage in further discussion. Don’t explain, don’t justify, don’t argue. One brief statement and that’s the end of the discussion on your part.

It’ll take a while to train her out of going on at you, but once she learns that you won’t be moved, she’ll eventually give up, though you’ll probably continue to get the odd passive aggressive dig, which you need not respond to beyond an eye-roll.

I aim for every 4-5 days with my mum, but I fit it around other commitments. She’s an hour away and I stay about 2 hours.

My mum who's 90 with dementia has been in a care home for about three months. At first I was living close by (clearing their home) so went 4-5 times a week. Since I've gone home 250 miles away I'm tapering down my visits and have gone 3.5 weeks without seeing her.

But she has no real concept of time now. Once during a visit I popped to talk to the manager. When I went back to her 5 mins later she thought I had just arrived. I have had a couple of visits where she has dozed in a chair for my entire visit. She was too tired to wake up. Even when she is awake the visit is often a bit dull and repetitive. Although she is lovely - I feel for those whose relatives are grumpy or agressive.

I have to sign a visitors book on arrival and I can see there are very few other visitors. It's only a small home - 24 residents - but it seems very few of them regularly get visitors. Do you have a visitors book you can check and then mention to your mum if no one else is having as many visitors?

Look at it this way - if nothing is going to be enough for DM, you might as well limit it to what is OK for you.

Look at it this way - if nothing is going to be enough for DM, you might as well limit it to what is OK for you.

That is great logic. Also point out to your mum that with everything else you have going on in life you don't have as much free time as her. I imagine she is retired and you have some / all of work, partner, young kids, friends, exercising, diy projects, hobbies which are all valid reasons to be busy.

Plus it's your mum's mum who has played a huge part in your mum's life but probably is nowhere near as big a figure in your life. You may need to reassure your mum that in 30 years your kids and work will not be taking up your time and you will be able to give your mum the same amount of time that she is currently giving to her mum.

Another thought - do you ever spend quality time with your mum? As your mum is her mum's main emotional support she is probably stressed and worried a lot of the time and it is hard to put a parent into a care home. I feel guilt and sadness that I have had to do that for my mum.

That old saying 'you can't pour from an empty cup' is true. Perhaps a little treat with your mum - coffee and cake after a walk in the park - will be good both for her and your relationship.

You may need to reassure your mum that in 30 years your kids and work will not be taking up your time and you will be able to give your mum the same amount of time that she is currently giving to her mum.

While I agree with Choux in the other aspects, I would not create this expectation whatsoever as in 30 years you have no idea your situation...
Also you would be giving your DM the thumbs up that you think the amount of time she is devoting to you DGM is the correct amount...

There's no need to visit this frequently unless you want to. What would you be doing with the time if you weren't?!
Is this sustainable long term - it could be years?

For context we have an elderly relative in a home (not a grandparent) - my Mum visits about 8 or 9 times per year. I go once. You can put other things in place to ensure visitors eg if they were a churchgoer you can ask the local church to bring Communion (they probably do a regular visit to local care homes). You can pay a solicitor to visit monthly (this is if they're under a Deprivation of Liberty order as someone has to check on their welfare monthly). If they need things bringing you can arrange deliveries (toiletries, stationery) - no need to take in person.

You are right @Mum5net the way I worded it gives the wrong message. OPs goal is to try and get her mum to step back a little not to confirm that the daily visits are the right thing to do. And OP shouldn't be committing to doing that herself in the future

Perhaps a more general comment of 'I can't give GM the amount of time that you seem able to. But I get the feeling the staff take good care of her and that she is as happy and settled as she is able to be given her health and that she can no longer live independently. I do still want to visit regularly but I can't commit to every other day and sometimes more. For the next few weeks I am going to go once a week and see how that works. That means there will be a couple of days where Gm doesn't have a visitor. Let's try it and see how it goes.'

I agree with the poster who said the best approach would be to reply that you're not going today, and not get drawn into a discussion about it. Don't let yourself be guilt tripped.

My mother is nearly 90, she has dementia and has been in a care home since she was 82. Can you imagine keeping to your mother's schedule of visits for that long? It isn't reasonable or sustainable. If your mother currently wants to visit every day that's her choice, but she shouldn't force it onto you too.

I have never visited my mother every day - once a week at best. She now has severe dementia and has no idea who I am, so my visits are less frequent.