Do you feel like this about your parent?

[nachdemregen]

I don't know why I'm writing this. I suppose I need to just unload.

For years I haven't had an easy relationship with my mum. I feel it's more like a therapist - patient relationship.

As with many elderly people she lives in the past. But for her a lot of it is about bringing up elements of her traumatic childhood and reliving them. I don't really want to hear about this but she doesn't feel comfortable talking to anyone else (she's a widow). She grew up in an era before therapy and doesn't believe in it, but it's what I think she needs.

Right now, for example, she's re-reading all the diaries she's kept since she was young and typing them out, which is churning her emotions up.

She's also very emotional and sensitive. She finds anyone getting even mildly frustrated with her very hurtful. She will endlessly reprocess any comment she finds upsetting. She can get tearful about a sharp word years after the event.

She has a small circle of friends but doesn't like 'joining in'. So she has acknowledged she's a bit lonely but doesn't want any more social interaction.

When I go to see her I pinch my thighs and bite my tongue while I'm there. And when I leave it's like coming up for air.

Does anyone else feel like this? I love her but I don't really enjoy her company.

Sorry, that was long.

I've had a very different experience to you but I fully relate to the whole "love her but don't like her" thing. From the time my dad died mum became fully dependent on me to the extent that she didn't know where she ended and I began. When I was told she had dementia it actually saved our relationship because I knew that she could not change. It wasn't that she was unreasonable, she was completely unable to reason. She refused to talk to anyone about her feelings other than me and it was very wearing.

Thank you for replying. I think it's also that it's a one-way relationship. For example, a couple of years ago I had to have some pre-cancerous cells operated on. It all went fine, but she still doesn't know about the diagnosis or surgery. Had I told her, I'd have spent weeks managing her emotional state rather than dealing with my own worries.

Whenever I'm with her I try and keep the conversation light (TV, what's in the news, etc) but somehow it often wends its way back to the past or her anxieties.

I suppose I posted because I feel guilty for not seeing her more often but every time I come away from her (like tonight) I feel a bit deflated and tired.

I had to protect mum from so much. I went through that but I couldn't tell her because I would have had to manage her emotions as well as mine. She's in a home now and she has advanced dementia. I was unable to visit her as I was preparing to go into hospital for a hysterectomy a few months ago. When I eventually went it was clear she didn't know who I was and told me that "Hairbrush is really poorly. She has gout. When you see her ask her about it!"

I suppose I posted because I feel guilty for not seeing her more often but every time I come away from her (like tonight) I feel a bit deflated and tired.

I know this is easy to say but you don't have to feel guilty. It is very sad that this is how your mum is, as it means you can't have an enjoyable time with her.

Have you considered any counselling for yourself to offload the misery? It sounds very hard work.

Can you put her in touch with an online therapist? It's quite comfortable typing to someone, after the first couple of times. Talking to her therapist online could become a hobby for her.

Yes, that's exactly it. I feel I'm protecting her. But to be honest I'm ultimately protecting myself because it's just easier if she doesn't know.

Thank you. I've had some counselling and most of the time it's ok. She's basically a lovely person who means well and other people have it much harder than me.

I don't have anyone to unload to in real life and I just needed to get it off my chest as today has been hard.

Please try not to take on guilt for your mother’s unhappiness, it is not your fault.
She sounds somewhat depressed and anti depressive medication may be helpful, if you could persuade her to go to the GP. An ‘over 75 health check’ may be offered by the Practice Nurse at her GP practice- that could be a start to get her some psychological support.

Unfortunately she won't try any kind of counselling or therapy. But thank you.

This is a great idea, thanks. I'll see if she might do that.

sorry that was a reply to @FadedRed

It's hard, I know DH felt like this with both his parents for many yrs, both have now passed away & his main emotion is just relief tbh because it was been tough for many years.

I’m having a similar experience with my dad. It used to make me feel both angry and guilty - and then more guilty for feeling like that. Now I feel more sad that it is what it is. As well as putting some boundaries in place such as limiting the length of the daily call, it’s really helped me to have the mantra that I’m not responsible for his happiness. Put another way, “happiness is an inside job”.

I'm similar with my Dad although he is a very different character and fiercely independent. Sometimes I put off a phone call for days cos I haven't got the mental energy. He talks about what he wants to say and then when you try to hang up he keeps going. I live only 40 mins away, siblings are much further so I'm the only one around but only visit once every 3 weeks or so. I work short hours ans kids are getting older so I could easily visit more. I feel constant guilt about it, for example today I could visit but don't want to. He stresses me out and talks about the same stuff at length. If I change the topic or talk about myself he cuts me off and just goes back to his long winded monologue. I know as he gets less independent or his health fails I'll need to step up and spend more time with him but for now I'm dreading it. I don't think he really likes me visiting anyhow so that makes it easier. I don't think he likes me at all in fact! I'm just something to talk at.

@LaMaG It’s possible he likes you and cares about you, but his need to talk overwhelms everything.

I find it helps to say “I have to go at half past, is there anything urgent you need to tell me”. The last minute talking is a bid to put off the dreadful moment of your disappearance.

i used to email, now I write, to tell him my news, so visits can be dedicated to him talking about his fixation of the day. Crochet helps

Hi this could have been me a few years ago - feel your pain!

mine used me as an emotional crutch from an early age- I’d be the first person she’d ring when I was living 3 hours away _ if something happened. I m not sure I realised it til I had a miscarriage and blood transfusion- she turned up to stay to look after me ( not required/ requested)- and spent hours on about her own relationship. I could barely sit up . At the end of the year she had high blood pressure- told me she’d told doctor about awful year she’d had. With my miscarriage! Stopped telling her things after that.

I just tried to change subject and eventually rang less / saw her less. Was draining / miserable/ boring / frustrating and she was not old / could drive, financially secure. She’s in a home now and just tells me what to do. I go rarely.
I do find v few people get it but some do and tend to have had similar experiences- as they get older theblonkers fall off and the patience runs out and you have to be more blunt/ cut off . Good luck

Wow it's like reading about my mam. I had abnormal smear a few years ago and she bawled and bawled so much I swore I'd never tell her anything again, unless I had to.

When I told her I was pregnant (third child unplanned at 29, I was studying at the time but lived with my partner, now husband, also father of the other two!) she cried and cried about how we were going to cope then cried more when she heard we had told MIL before her! But I wasn't ready to take on her tears u til I had got it in my own head.

It's so tough. My dm has had surgery (2 weeks ago) and a bit of a hard time. Ive benn bringing her to hospital every day, shopping etc every single day, I'll see her at some point. I had a Xmas night away planned with my colleagues last night. She suddenly got sick yesterday morning with flu like symptoms (covid positive) but was fine, I called to her before I went for night away with food, made lunch, dinner etc then headed off. She had a bad night to be fair just not feeling well and panicking about her health. I left the hotel early today to go straight to her and she was angry with me when I arrived for 'leaving her on her own' I took her over to my house to mind her, she spend a few hours here and was fine and decided to go home, anyway then texted me tonight saying 'thanks for today, I don't feel so lonely anymore' which I think she meant well but it feels like once I'm with her and helping her she is happy with me but the minute I can't accommodate her, she's in tears saying how lonely she is. She's only 70.

I'm sorry I've no advice. I'm thinking of seeing a counsellor to help me navigate it.

She was always like this. She would involve me in her and her dps (since broken up) arguments as a teen. If they would fight she would come crying to me telling me we were going to be moving out then everything would be ok the next day!

It's so hard because she loves me so much and has great qualities, really proud of me, helpful with my kids when needed.