Help me make more time for caring

[whistlestunelessly]

Elderly parent, living with us. No kids at home at the moment. I think we've now moved into the next stage of elderly care with A&E admissions etc. So I need to up my game while protecting my mental and physical health.

I have both LPA, grab rails, medical stuff on a grab and go list, hospital bag etc. But what I need is more time for caring.

I've hired a cleaner and we have a gardener, but what else do you wish you'd done sooner to free up time and headspace? I'm flexible hours and WFH already so I know I have it easier than some, but still...

Thank you!

To avoid drip feeding, I have a medical condition that affects my energy levels and a partner who works away, hence needing more time/energy/headspace despite WFH, cleaner and gardening help.

You learn to triage and make boundaries. The answer to a call for help isn’t always “yes, I’ll come straight away”, sometimes it’s “yes, I’ll do that when I stop for lunch”.

on-line grocery shopping. Whiteboard in the kitchen to mote the critical jobs for today, and any adjustments to your standard, repeat every week at the click of a button, grocery order.

See if they’ll give you permission to share medical information. It’s easier to sort things out if you know what’s happening.

You may not need to go to every medical appointment. I went to ones where Dad would get information, but not blood tests for example.
Get a mobile hairdresser and toenail cutter. Dad and DH use a lady who has a foot health qualification rather than being a fully blown podiatrist. She comes to Dad’s nursing home and to our house.

And a good relationship with a local taxi firm.

See if your LA. Has a support scheme for carers and make yourself known to them. You may not feel you need moral support and information now, but it’s easier to have the source already available when you need it.

When they start needing help with showering and toileting, be prepared to stand very firm and say you cannot do it, get a carer in instead. Through Social Services will save admin, but you can do it it privately. Distasteful as it may be, weaponise your own medical condition.

Boundaries around the care you are willing/able to provide. Caring encompasses a huge variety of actions from making a cup of tea in bed to helping someone on and off the loo and everything in between. I would say that rather than freeing up time to do more caring you need to concentrate on finding time to keep your relationship intact - to be mother and daughter instead of carer and caree. It is not all about your mother's needs. You have needs as well.

Has your mum had an assessment from Social Services? Would she qualify for carers? Have you had an assessment of your needs as a carer?

I never had a Carer's Assessment but I found the two care visits a day made a big difference to my mental health and improved my relationship with my mum. It meant that I could be her daughter instead of an extension of her. I still cooked all her meals, cleaned, laundry, shopping, admin but she was washed and dressed, given breakfast and put to bed giving me an extra couple of hours every day.

Mum lived in a granny annex in our garden so not the same as in the house but close enough to be considered as "living with us" so far as being on call to pick up her hanky, pour her a drink etc. (On top of me spending several hours with her each day keeping her company.)

Look at boundaries - do you have time to do whatever it is you need to do for your own health and MH? Whether that's time for exercise, have a holiday, meal out with your partner, coffee with a friend. Can you put things in place to help with that eg online supermarket shop.

What are your boundaries with work? Eg what happens when calls to do something become never-ending - pick something up, make a cup of tea, find glasses. Set boundaries now to chunk those up eg "I'm going to do three hours work, then I'll make us both a cup of tea". Are you achieving what you need to do at work in the time you have available for it? What are your longterm plans in terms of career, looking at other jobs? What happens if you need to go away for training or a conference or something?

Be very careful with approaching it from finding more time for caring as it just ends up taking more and more time.

Is there any day respite available eg in a church hall or a group? Those can be invaluable if you do need a day to work on site or have a rest day or a nice day out with partner.

Remember it's a marathon, not a sprint!

Thanks all for your wise words, I'm doing some of what you all listed, but I'll get on with making sure the GPS know I have authority and look into carer support schemes.

Fortunately, I'm freelance and established as a specialist so can dial my hours up and down a bit over the next few years if needed without causing long-term harm to my career.

I have a sibling, but they have a disabled child so there's a limit to how much they can help. But they do make sure I get some respite.

We're not at the stage of needing daily carers quite yet, but I have planted the idea and there are funds available for private ones. But it would help if their friends weren't having bad experiences with their own carers!

I think also be realistic about your own health. I know personally that if I'm in a period of remission I can convince myself that I'm able to do much more than I actually can which inevitably then leads to more fatigue or relapse. So, try and be honest with yourself about your own energy levels and don't feel guilty about not doing every little thing. All the little things add up and as someone else said, this is a marathon and not a sprint.