AIBU

[WorkSmarter]

We have just come back from a fortnight away in a lovely villa, with one week one set of parents and 2nd week other parents.

One week went really well, parents helped, tidied up, chatted away with kids but didn't go out much which was a shame for them I thought but said it was too hot to do much & they liked pottering...

In contrast, PILS complained about heat, mosquito bites, stressed about being dropped off, picked up, not having priority boarding there and then returning too, not being in the next town and talked about themselves constantly with only cursory interest in kids.

Booked taxis for them costing hundreds of pounds, flights, trips out and dinners as well as villa.

Reason we asked them was to spend quality time with their grandchildren!

I ended up hiding for long spells in the bathroom and my husband in the pantry!!

Anyone know the feeling?
AIBU to expect too much? 🤔
AINBU to feel mugged off?

Always helps to make expectations clear. Did they know they were being invited to spend time with DC and not because of the pleasure of their company?

That honestly doesn't sound like much of a holiday for any of you, tbh.

Maybe a lesson learned?

Lesson learned and never do it again?

We did say that it would be great for you to spend time with your grandchildren before the trip and also told them twice before that over the years.

I just think it is a real shame that they haven't engaged with them when they are right in front of them.

Thanks for your responses xxx

Not everyone is interested in grandchildren. Did they want to come? Or did they feel like they were doing you a huge favour by coming?

Generational thing? Mine is like this with grandchildren. She seems to think they should be seen and not heard plus any elderly person present should be the centre of attention. Ie all activities and conversation should revolve around them.

It's how I was brought up but I'm refusing to do this with DD!

The best thing about the situation is you don't ever have to holiday with them (PIL) again! You'll be able to say (quite truthfully), that you wouldn't want to inconvenience them again as they obviously suffered and you wouldn't want to put them through that again!

Thanks for the positivity! I tried my best to be the bigger person! 🤣🤣

Possibly? Or personality? I grew up to believe you talk about what your audience is interested in ie talking for 20 mins about men's football to an audience of teens who do not play sport or don't watch it is a waste of time!
Honestly think they are self-centered which is a shame for our kids. Never mind. Xx

I think the idea grandparents should engage lots with children is a very modern idea.
In the past grandparents who did this were said to be very good with children as if it was a special skill, but it wasn't expected.
I loved my maternal grandmother but her engagement with us was relatively minimal.
My children's paternal grandmother was a lovely woman. Her idea of engaging with grandch6was putting on a Disney video and giving them sweets.
I think families work best when we understand that pecome with very different expectations to our own all forged in our culture, family circumstances and childhoods.
You have your own expectations that sound to have nothing to do with the people who are your family.

Sounds like it's who they are.
Massive shame.
I'm currently 5 days through a 10 day marathon with my pils and I'm internally tearing my hair (different reasons to you but similar feelings of 'really!?').
I'd love love love things to be different but they're not and they can't be, not without personality transplants anyway.
And it's not age cos they've been like this since I knew them - 20+ years.
So I power through and do my best and am glad for the positives they do bring <gets out microscope>

Also one thing I hated as an adult was when I was expected to see family children as the most important relationship
Your in laws and parents have their own child on the holiday and that relationship is understandably important to them. They will want to spend time with their adult child.

I would never holiday with mine. Nope never ever.

This is what is meant by respecting and valuing elders.
Most white UK culture is about putting children first and centre.

I'm not respecting or valuing someone who has no clue about child development or psychology, thinks shouting and smacking and instant obedience are how to bring up children.

She doesn't even get really basic stuff like children need exercise not to sit in silence in the living room whilst she talks endlessly about herself!

Think @everetting may be right. We used to visit grandparents frequently for Sunday lunch. I would leave them gossiping in the kitchen and go into the front room to play with a small red suede rabbit and two brass ornaments from the mantelpiece. Fortunately (or maybe as a result) I had a good imagination and was never bored.

Certainly children weren’t allowed to monopolise the conversation and were taught to wait for someone to stop speaking before butting in.

It does sound like a horrendous week, but, do the ILs normally take an interest in their GCs, or did they say it would be nice to spend a holiday so they could spend some quality time with them?

It does sound as though there was a bit of a mismatch in expectations.

See, I'd expect everyone to understand that you don't monopolise conversation or interrupt other people talking. It's basic good manners.

DD knows this, she's still only infant school age so doesn't always get it right but she knows not to interrupt. But she knows she'll be listened to when it's her turn. As with the OP, the grandparent however thinks they can talk about whatever they want at length, even if it's of no interest to anyone else. That isn't good manners. Especially when you've been invited on someone's holiday!

Lol we are away with my parents just now, and they are absolutely doting on my two boys! My dads been teaching them to fish and taking them away to do it, my mums been jumping to their every wish and talking with (sometimes at!) them endlessly.

so different to my own grandparents, who were lovely but it was very much seen-and-not-heard, and we were not there to be entertained.

As with the OP, the grandparent however thinks they can talk about whatever they want at length, even if it's of no interest to anyone else I’d cut some slack with a lone grandparent. Not having someone to talk to on a daily basis is a huge loss.

I wonder what you talk about if no-one shares any interests? Doesn’t there have to be some give and take?

Microscope🔬!! 😂😂😂

So when does the person who is the sandwich filling of the sandwich generation get some give and take?

They're responsible for their child(ren) and no one else is responsible for them, so they take priority. Holidaying with kids is pretty full on anyway without adding in an older generation.
They're probably working, so the holiday is a much needed break from that. That's another priority because need to work to keep roof on/food etc.

It's not the sandwich filling's responsibility to fill in the place of a deceased spouse (hmm, that sounds weird, but you know what I mean ). It's unfair for them to dominate, not listen to anyone else or expect everything to revolve around them, especially when someone's invited them on the holiday.

I've seen several friends and family members widowed (is widowered a word?!). Yes, grief is awful, but they had to go out, build a network and find support. There are bereavement groups for all sorts of people (eg WAY for those bereaved young, especially if they have kids), many hospices run these groups. It shouldn't just rest on the sandwich filling to provide this for them.

I went on two week break with my mum and MIL at the same time. They are friendly enough, but very different. I haven’t done it again. I asked my 7yo what he thought of the holiday, he said, too many mummies!

It's unfair for them to dominate, not listen to anyone else or expect everything to revolve around them I doubt whether they do, consciously.

So when does the person who is the sandwich filling of the sandwich generation get some give and take? If I took the same view as MN does of MILs, I could say “you had your chance, when you were a child, and you’ll get a second bite of the cherry when you’re old”. Realistically, you have to fight for your boundaries, because neither children nor cognitively failing elders will be able to do it. You wouldn’t expect a child to make sure you had your fair share of conversation topics, it’s fair, if a parent has declined to the level that you feel you need to take them on holiday, to not expect too much from them either.

Of course this doesn’t apply to hale and hearty 70 year olds with all their wits about them.

It's not the sandwich filling's responsibility to fill in the place of a deceased spouse I don’t think anyone is saying it is, I’m certainly not, but understanding makes it easier to have tolerance

Aw cute and clever! 😝👏👏👏