How do I find my Mum?

[Lookingforsolutions]

Sorry for the essay.
I live overseas from my Mum. I have always had a difficult relationship with most of my siblings, but hoped I could contain it until my parents both passed. However, when my Dad died a couple of years ago they behaved so horribly towards me at the funeral - I had to walk away.
To begin with it was fine because one sibling (who also lives overseas) was still in touch with my other siblings and my mum was at home and able to answer the phone.
However my siblings chose to be horrible to the one sibling I was close to, they manipulated the timing around the spreading of my Dad's ashes so she couldn't attend and then they kept my Mum's 90th birthday celebrations secret from her - she was going through quite a bit at the time and was devastated by their behaviour and like me had always had a difficult relationship with them - so she also walked away.
My siblings continue to care for my Mum who is not in a great way, a bit confused and prone to falling and breaking bones and spending time in rehab - I phoned her often but I think she must have had a fall recently as she has not answered the phone for weeks - I assume she's in a home until she recovers.
I have no idea how to find her, she doesn't have a mobile. My siblings have refused to tell us. I know she has not died as I have signed up to the local funeral director on Facebook and they announce all the deaths - I know how desperate that sounds but I have no choice.
Has anyone ever been in this situation - how do we find my Mum - I can't even arrange to visit her.

That's all very sad. You could try phoning some local care homes although they may not tell you. May I also suggest writing a letter to her GP.

You can ask the Police to do a welfare check. You can say she's not answering her phone and you are concerned about her.

They will go round and check to see if she's ok.

In the midst of this I am also very aware that my Mum would really hate for other people to know - we come from a small village, she'd hate for people to find out how deep the fall-out in our family has been. The police showing up at her house would be talked about for weeks and people would ask her about it when she came home again. She has been desperately trying to convince us to resolve our differences while she is still alive if nothing else but she is also aware of how horrible my sister can be and like everyone else who deals with her they try to stay on the right side because she is deeply unpleasant - no one wants her as an enemy.

Your toxic DSis appears to be the only route to your DM.

So the 2 people that live overseas are the 2 that are not being told anything? What is it they say when you ask them, do they ignore calls? Do they feel you should be back home and helping, is that the issue? What does your other sibling think, the one that is also out of the loop? If funds permit you could hire a private detective and instruct them to be discreet or see if there is some other close friend or relative of your mum that would help you. Its ridiculous and cruel behaviour not telling you where your mother is. It must be messing with your mind.

There are more than two siblings who live overseas - it’s not about who looks after my mum. The Queen Bee does not live in the same country as my mum. It’s about control and manipulation.

It’s definitely about control. What about your siblings that live near your mum won’t they cross this queen bee? How do they respond when you ask them what’s going on?

i have a brother her crossed her once - he swore he’d never do so again - she made his life hell. He initially was quite surprised we didn’t know where my mum was - said he’d call us when he next visited - my sister didn’t press him for an address - trusted that he’d call but he didn’t and won’t respond to any messages from us. Sil was helpful to begin with - always been a good sort but I think it got too hard for her to go against their wishes. On the day of my Dads funeral- my mum told me they didn’t ask her opinion about any of the arrangements - when people are watching she becomes incredibly charming - it is remarkable. I can’t be near her - my health can’t take it, I think I have given up my mum to retain sanity.

I might not have understood. The controlling DSis lives in another country to your 90 yr old DM? Even though she is abroad, she still can prevent your other sibling who cares for your DM, to take a phone call from you?

Yes remarkable isn’t it. I can’t fix my family - delving into the whys doesn’t help. It seems there is no simple answer here.

You could try google to see if there is a 'see and solve' team for the area your mum lives and could contact them or adult care services. If you explain the situation, they may be able to help and give you some information or may be able to speak to your mum and ask her if she is willing for them to disclose details to you. If she has been in hospital and then moved into a home to recover it is likely that adult care services will have been involved as part of this.

Going forward, rather than looking to the history, do you have a location for this sibling eg a town or previous address and knowledge of any of their immediate family?

We think we’ve found her! Through a relative of a friend who coincidentally is at the same home. I’ll call tomorrow.