I'm so angry

[denpark]

The title says it all.
I'm furious and I have nowhere else to vent.
My dad is an absolute prick. He's turned into a horrible old man who is just awful to everyone. He has moments of fleeting niceness but he's just so nasty.
I've given up the majority of my time this summer to be with him and help sort out his house & he's so damn rude and ungrateful. Lots of comments about 'I didn't want you here' when he begged me to come and stay with him. Lots of anger after I do the jobs he asks me to do and then seems to be angry that I've done them.
It's exhausting.
He threatened to disinherit me after we had a conversation where I told him (very nicely) that I will help however I can to look after him in the future if he ever needs it. He just lost it and ranted at me.
I'm very very close to giving up as I can't do anything right, apparently.

He's embarrassed that he can't do these things himself any longer. He shouldn't talk to like that, walk away take a deep breath and count to ten!
Unless you think there could be a health issue?

Dementia.

My dads an asshole, so I went the carer route and limited my visits and calls. I phone him once a week. I do the bare minimum for him but we are talking about a violent bully of a man.

only you can judge. If he’s always been reasonable I’d be wondering about his mental health/dementia.

Thank you fir both replying. He's always been unreasonable and difficult but he's hitting a new low which can be very hurtful. I don't think it's dementia (yet) but I think the being angry because he can't do things is part of it.

I'm doing a lot of grey rocking where I don't rise to his goading comments but it's so draining.

Change of character (or magnification of existing faults) can be an early sign of dementia.

Even if it’s not dementia, it can be easier to deal with if you convince yours it is. Takes the emotion out of it

Sounds like a dementia assessment is needed.

Get carers in and visit when you choose to.

I'm always at odds with this idea of grey rocking. By not saying anything, is it like you are saying it's acceptable to speak to you in that way?

I know that rising to it is exhausting but you shouldn't have to take bad behaviour on the chin.

I agree that the change of personality is very likely to be an early dementia sign.

That's actually a really good idea.

I'll mention a dementia concern to my siblings. They don't think he has it but it's worth mentioning it again. X

Yes - this. When we found out my dad has Mike dementia I cling onto that and deliberately that’s why he’s always been horrible. A stretch but as @MereDintofPandiculation says, it does take the emotion out of it.

You mentioned siblings, are they also giving up their time to help?

Because sometimes you are one of the few people he can rant at

He is not in work, he will have driven away friends, NDN etc will just avoid him etc etc
As the circle of people he can be an asshole to shrinks the % given to the remaining people goes up
The interaction makes him think he is winning, has control etc so extending an argument is a win in his side of the relationship
By not reacting and esculating, you dont become extra emotional and extra upset
Think of it as having to go through the life stage where a 2 year old throws a wobble because its raining. You cant " fix" the rain and the 2 year old needs to learn to self regulate. You need to learn to be calm allow the child the space to learn.
With a older family member you need to be calm knowing that no learning will happen on their side but for your peace of mind you are willing to do X or Y

I know that rising to it is exhausting but you shouldn't have to take bad behaviour on the chin. It's only bad behaviour if you take it personally, believe that he genuinely thinks what he is saying, and that his opinion matters to you. So if you take that out of the equation, it's no more important than a rude word spray painted on to a wall.

My Dad was always one of the loveliest, kindest, most personable man you could ever meet. But for his last couple of years, he could be a complete bastard without warning. He died a few months ago and I've thought about it a lot since then. I think it was a combination of being scared of dying, worrying about leaving my Mum and just general rage about how shitty his life had become (he was ill) and he couldn't do anything about it. It's a tough time and I sympathise with you. I was very close to my Dad and I have a lot of regret about the arguments we had before he died. But I was terrified of him dying and my fear and sadness decided to manifest themselves as anger - I wish I could take it back now...

If he's always been like that....

what happens when you don't help?

@SmokeyToo Sorry for your loss
Please forgive yourself for your anger it is so much easier to process being angry than deal with multiple other emotions all at once 🌻

Thank you, AnSolas. I'm trying really hard to forgive myself and to let go of the guilt. I've started seeing a therapist to help me work through it all and it's raised a few things that have given me some some insight into why I acted the way I did. It's made me feel a bit better about things and let me forgive myself a little. I'm his only daughter and our relationship was a true 'I was his princess/he was my hero' situation. He will always be my hero and I miss him terribly. Thank you again for your kind words!

Sorry to digress but why is anger easy to deal with?

I really struggle with it.

Same with my Dad. I get the brunt of his nastiness most days. I try not to bite back as I know this is not the man he used to be. He's angry because he knows he needs help, miserable because he's lonely and desperately clinging to his independence.
I sometimes turn heel and just leave him to it. He might apologise but we generally just move on and forget it.
I try not to get upset but it does hurt when he's so vile and I do find myself having very uncharitable thoughts about him.
He's taking a mild antidepressant which has made him less aggressive and we have employed a carer to come in for a short time each morning. This saves the angst of trying to get him to wash and change his clothes, which inevitably led to a row. They check medication and supervise a decent breakfast, then he's set for the day. It's definitely taken some of the pressure off us as he's very compliant and well behaved with them.
As his needs increase he may be receptive to other people providing some of the care to save you stress. My dad enjoys the attention from his "nurse"!
It's very hard when you're being verbally abused to try and remember he was a lovely Dad once and to not feel resentment at their lack of gratitude. They seem to lose compassion, empathy and appreciation for all you do.
When I bring him over for Sunday dinner and drive him back home, he thanks DH for everything!

Easier not easy

Anger is easier I think it is because if you are in fight mode your body pumps you with chemicals to help you overcome an "external threat". This makes you feel good / energised etc. and you are better at pushing on and doing tasks.
Then I think your brain sticks non essential processes like managing emotions not needed to survive on hold . (You only need to feel sad / worried about other people after the lion is not trying to eat you because if you get eaten that emotion is not needed anyway)

AnSolas interesting, I am finding anger the worst thing to manage and it certainly makes me less capable.

My dad was very angry and nasty a couple of years ago when he started needing help. I dealt with it by walking away. If he didn't co-operate, I took a day off, or a few days off, then returned to 'caring' as if nothing had happened. He settled down and now is appreciative of what I do. I don't know how we'd go on if he became unpleasant again.

Change of personality is a classic early sign of dementia.

But OP said he was already like this