How do I hold down a job?

[Oligodoodle]

DF is almost 80, ongoing complex physical disabilities and recently showing signs of cognitive issues. Lives in a brilliant nursing home half an hour from me and is well cared for. I’m so grateful for this.
I have two primary aged kids, my husband works long hours and travels frequently with work, but is very hands on and supportive when he’s around. We’ve no other family locally and few close friends as we’ve recently relocated.
DF has numerous medical appointments and repeated hospital admissions. The nursing home can’t really help with accompanying him to appointments as they don’t have the staff spare and he can’t manage alone. There’s no one else to visit him in hospital when he’s taken in other than me.
My work have been reasonable and understanding. However, I’m starting to feel like I’m taking the piss and I know it can’t continue like this taking so much time off for DF (not that he ever asks me to, bless him. He’s been the best dad anyone could wish for). Annual leave used up ages ago. Have been taking unpaid leave. There doesn’t seem to be anything else. Compassionate (dependants) leave is for emergencies, which these generally are not. But the appointments can’t be scheduled in non-work time. I’ve already dropped to part time. Can’t drop any more hours or my job won’t be doable. Am trying to make up time in the evenings, on non-working time and weekends, but am struggling to do so around the kids and am exhausted.
Is anyone else in this situation? What is the answer with work - what rights do I have, if any, to take time off as a carer?

Have a tried Age UK?, if not have a look at heor website, you can do a postcode search for any with local volunteer services that can offer transport or/and companions to goto local appointments.

How would they manage if you lived several hours away? Can your DF pay for a private carer to chaperone him?
Does he understand you're not able to visit as often as you would like? Realistically, your job and DC must come first.

It is the job of the nursing home to manage this. It is very usual for residents not to have anyone who can accompany them into hospitals etc.
Obviously it makes it much easier for the nursing home management if family can help and if they can great.
But if you step back they will have to organize something.
It is a benefit of your DF being in residential care.

The home should manage the appointments, it is expected that they do it! They are taking advantage of you. Step back and they will have to pick it up. If they don't take him to his health appointments and he misses them, I would consider this a safeguarding issue as ultimately they are responsible.

I’d also expect the home to take him to appointments. They did when I worked in one.

Do you have authority to make medical decisions? My great aunt was quite clear that when she went into a nursing home she felt she was near the end. Her Dc had to make it clear to the home that she was not to be sent to hospital regularly ( several times a week) and that she really just wanted to rest in her nice room with a view of the sea and receive pain medication rather than being taken to hospital for endless antibiotics for endless infections. She had her leg amputated and never really recovered properly.

I checked the agreement we signed with the home and it states that staff accompanying to medical appointments is not included in the fees and will be provided (at extra cost) when possible. They have accompanied him on a couple of occasions but generally don’t have staff available and I don’t want him going to the back of the queue if we decline several appointments.
As for Age UK or a volunteer companion, it would need to be a trained carer or medic. I did try last year but no luck finding anyone. They’d also have to drive his specially adapted vehicle as he can’t get in to a normal wheelchair taxi.
I do have POA for him but he still has mental capacity to make decisions and these appointments are necessary for the management of his long-term conditions. He wants to go to them and is (hopefully) not near end of life. His quality of life despite all this is pretty good.
I’m wondering what rights I have in the workplace. Is it “just” the right to request flexible working?

Would one of the care staff on their day off take him if you paid them? He'd have to amend his car insurance accordingly too though.
Are these appointments really necessary face to face? I conduct a lot of long term health reviews and tbh, most of them are a tick box exercise and could be done over the phone.

https://www.carersuk.org/help-and-advice/work-and-career/your-rights-in-work/taking-time-off-when-needed/

Op the link there outlines what you can expect and also talks about a change in the law, coming into being next year.

It does not look like routine appointments are covered as a right.

Would the hospital provide patient transportation at all ? Here, I believe they will try to accommodate that if the patient cannot use public transport. Perhaps a discussion with your Dad’s GP could be a starting point - with both of you on the call .

The nursing home must have a procedure for this, as some of their residents will have no relatives at all.

You cannot be expected to lose your job in order to facilitate taking him to appointments.

The hospital may be able to arrange transport as your dad is not able to use normal taxi. There may also be volunteer services around.

If everything fails your dad will have to pay someone who can accompany him.

When people talk about planning for old age, these eventualities need to be accounted for.

@Oligodoodle - I have caring responsibilities for dm (80), who lives independently alone, but whose health is pretty poor (cancer, long covid, diabetes). I also have 2 teens, one of who is being investigated for a heart condition.

My work has an "employee carer's passport" scheme, where you set out what your extra-ordinary caring responsibilities are, and how you will manage them. The "passport" bit means that once it js agreed with your line manager, it stays with you if you change role internally.

I am fortunate that I work for a large, public sector employer who is keen to facilitate staff to stay at work in situations like this. Is this something your employer might consider?

If you weren't local the care home would be managing this so push it back at them.

I have a relative in a home. I do not do any of the appointments. Distant relative. Home far away. They just have to deal with it.

Surely there are people in the nursing home who have no relatives?

if not, then social services need to get involved.

It might be easier to arrange for an escort to accompany him on hospital transport. They have vans with tail lifts and plenty of experience in using them. Several of the local care agencies here will do one off trips to hospital or GP. My MIL has an escort provided by the care home for which they charge.

I'd echo what others have said, ask the home what arrangements other people have made and explain that you cannot do it any more as you'd like to keep your job so you can eat.

Visiting can be done outside work hours but you have to find a balance between the patient's needs and yours. I have done daily visiting for weeks on end because no-one else would go but it's a huge time commitment once you've added in travelling. It took Covid to break me of feeling that responsibilty, my relative managed just fine without me being there every day.

Sadly, you don't have many rights at work for this - and I'm speaking as someone who has been a family carer and who now manages people.

You have a legal right to time off to deal with a dependent having an emergency but that doesn't cover actually providing care and isn't for routine, planned, things like hospital appointments. It also doesn't have to be paid, although some employers do pay this.

You may have a compassionate leave policy at work which may cover something like this. Or may not. Or may not even exist! Ours is strictly for death of a defined list of very close relatives. The only legal right is for time off after a child's death.

Everyone has the right to request flexible working, so that is a possibility, but what pattern you ask for depends on your work and your employer doesn't have to grant it. I have several members of staff working part-time who can flex their hours (eg working less one week so they can take a child with SN to an appointment, then working more the following week) or who work compressed hours (5 days worked as 4 long days, or 10 days worked as 9 long days). But this is really job dependent as if you're public-facing and having to man certain hours there's much less flexibility.

And obviously going part-time reduces your take home pay which may or may not be feasible. Do think about the longer term and what you need to provide for your own future as well as covering your outgoings now.