How to help and reduce conflict with my sister

[Ittakeslonger]

I wonder if anyone has any ideas please. My sister never left home and still lives with my elderly mother ( in her 90s). I've lived about 4 hours drive away from them for about 37 years. My sister is feeling overwhelmed by caring for my mother (personal care she needs is minimal) and is furious with me for not doing more to help. My mother has always been anxious and puts pressure on my sister not to work outside the house or go out too long and my mother is resistant to carers coming in. I think my sister is very scared about how she'll cope financially and emotionally after my mother dies. I'm stumped what to do. I work in a demanding job (self employed) and I also care for my adult son who has long term depression and we've just found out he has a physical health issue that is a contributing to his depression. To help his mental health I go for a long walk with him every day. My husband works away and I only see him at weekends.
I do manage to see friends occasionally but not as often as I'd like as my son gets very down on his own as he has no friends at the moment and doesn't work.
I have offered to look after my mother at short notice so my sister can go away, or I've tried to suggest my son goes to care for my mother so I can take my sister away ( my sister hasn't many friends), I've tried to persuade my mum to come to stay with me ( I'd do an 8 hour round trip) but my mum is too anxious to leave her home and I got told off by my sister for worrying her by asking. My mother won't move closer to me.

I was stopped from visiting them both during and after the pandemic as they were very frightened of catching Covid and perhaps still are. I am trying to visit more now but the atmosphere is so unpleasant staying with them as my sister makes continual digs at me, while I'm there, for not visiting or helping more despite my attempts to cook and clean when I'm there. It's making me dread visiting and I exploded and shouted back during my last visit. I think my sister is scared and resentful of my relative 'freedom'. My mother keeps begging me to take care of my sister after she dies as I'm the ' strong ' one (btw I take antidepressants and have regular counselling ). I don't want to look after my sister when my mum dies as she's a bit difficult, but I'd do my best to help her move closer to me so I can walk with her a couple of times a week and introduce her to people, but my husband doesn't really like her so couldn't include her to much in our lives.

I'm not sure of what my question is, other than do you have any ideas of how to handle the situation and to find a way to help my sister (whilst balancing my work marriage and my son's mental health or any useful ways for me to understand what's going on.

Your mother is not your responsibility. Nor is your sister. Your sister is (as you say) angry, resentful and scared. She resents your freedom (or what she perceives is freedom) and resents the caring aspect of her living choice.

You say you dread visiting, so visit less, or stop visiting. These are all your choices to make. Your mother or indeed your sister cannot tell you what to do.

You are experiencing the usual guilt-tripping known as FOG (fear, obligation and guilt). You can look it up and read about it.

Your sister is projecting her anger onto you and there's not much you can do about that.

Think about what boundaries you need to put into place. This situation is only going one way, meaning it's only going to get worse. So you really need to think about where your boundaries are and start making them crystal clear.

Your sister has made her choices. Perhaps put some reasonable suggestions in writing to her. If she rejects them all leave her to it and just look after yourself. You have more than enough on your plate right now.

Thank you both for your answers. I don't know how to reply to you both individually as I'm new to Mumsnet but your answers have given me a lot to think about and made me question my feelings of guilt. Thank you.

We are all responsible for our own choices and the consequences that arise from them. Your sister chose to live at home, you chose to move away. Neither choice is right or wrong, they are just choices. You also have a choice as to whether to visit or not, you could face up to the guilt and not go.

If you read down this board it is full of threads with parents resisting the idea of help from anyone other than family and you can see the strain that it puts on family members. It's not unusual for your mother to be opposed to the idea of paid help, you need to recognise that your sister is making a choice by not challenging this. This situation isn't one you've created and it isn't one that you can fix. This is not your responsibility, not something for you to solve.

You don't say why it is that your sister needs looking after, you don't have to say but think about whether that is the family story that's always been told ("poor Sister") that you've bought into or whether she genuinely needs support. Why can't she introduce herself to people or take herself for a walk? She might need some support in becoming an independant adult but surely that's a better life for her than being looked after.

If you are not familiar with the drama triangle it is worth reading up on, it can make you look at your relationships in a different way and make you think about changing your established patterns of behaviour.

Oh dear, your family sounds quite dysfunctional to be honest. Your DM has controlled your sister all her life, your son is inadvertently controlling you, your husband has absented himself by working away the majority of the time. It’s a bit of a mess!
First of all, why on earth would you think your son, who you say is too unwell to live by himself, should look after a frail woman whom I’m guessing he hardly ever sees? That’s just not on. The last thing I’d want as a 90+ year old is my grandson looking after me!
Regarding your sister, I’d think about what support she could benefit from - perhaps she could be encouraged to do online shopping, get a cleaner in, join a club that she can attend one afternoon a week. Unless your DM is too ill to be left alone, then she should be fine to be left for a couple of hours. I can see your DSis would be annoyed at you visiting every once in a while and trying to change things. She’s the carer for your DM and may see your offers of help as criticism. Ask her directly if there’s anything you could facilitate that would make her life easier.

Can you get some paid help to come in so your sister gets some respite. Reassure them both you will help your sister in due course to reestablish herself. You don't have to be specific about the nature of the help.

Ask your sister to be specific but realistic about what you can do from a distance as you can't simply move to live with them. You can though check your mum and sister are getting the right benefits to help pay for some respite care and help organise it.

@Knotaknitter
I think my sister is autistic and gets overwhelmed more than most people, she finds decision making impossible. She doesn't see to have very close friends and rarely sees the couple she has. She is an extremely private person. She has never married and had a relationship for very long. My mum is worried that my sister will be lonely and lost when she dies.

I'm going to disagree with a previous poster. Do not attempt to solve any of these problems (like making suggestions that your sister get a cleaner, join a club etc). Whatever you do or suggest will be wrong. This is not about finding solutions. It's about punishing you.

They are trying to bring you into their dysfunctionality. They want you to "suffer" as they do.

The previous comment about the "drama triangle" is correct. You can read about that too. It's a never-ending unhealthy dynamic that you can avoid by refusing to take the bait.

Ultimately, your sister and mother will have to work this out for themselves. If needs be, adult social services will get involved.

Asking your son to go help seems a rather surprising idea!
You say you need to look after him so just how would that work?
🤷🏼‍♀️

I have no inspiration to how to help your mother and sister, but I do think you and your son need to work out how not to reproduce this situation in the next generation.

You and he need to plan how he will learn to live separately from you, deal with his own mental and physical health, and not become a lonely default-carer who is afraid to change his situation.

This is said with sympathy as I'm working on it with my own mid-20s autistic son at present.

@Kilopascal
I completely agree. He is aware of his situation and I encourage him to be as independent as he can. He has just received a diagnosis for a health condition that might be causing his depression so hoping with treatment he might reach out more. Wishing you all the best with your son. It's not easy

Phew, thanks for taking it in the spirit in which it was meant (I nearly didn't post as I'm aware I can be abrupt). Good luck to you both.

Does it give you any handle on how your sister could have drifted into this situation, and what she might fear if things need to change?

and made me question my feelings of guilt.

i think when you have grown up in a certain situation it’s hard to understand how unusual (dysfunctional) the situation that you think of as normal, is. This is clearly the case with your mum and sister. For whatever reason, their lives are completely enmeshed , your sister has never moved into a ‘normal’ adult life, and your mum has not enabled her to do so. You, on the other hand, have been able to do this - to move into adulthood.

i don’t have any solutions for you. But none of this is your fault, please don’t feel guilty. And it’s not your problem to solve. I would heartily encourage you to focus on your son, and yourself. You are important too, you count.

@Watchagotch72 thank you . That's a lovely answer. I think I am aware of how crazy the situation is but the guilt was exhausting. It's so helpful to be reminded it's not my fault and not in my control. I think I'm in a better position to help, now I realise it's a choice not an obligation and not a failing if I can't help. 🙂

@Sicario thank you ......really wise answers. I'd heard of the drama triangle before and a friend had just pointed that out by FOG was a new concept. I realise that I've often been affected by that in lots of relationships.