Toxic Mother Death

[WorriedDaughter12]

My Mother and I have a terrible relationship, the usual toxic mother stuff. She’s just had cancer removed and they’ve now discovered she has much much more cancer to be dealt with. She also has stage 4 vascular dementia. So the issue is that she refuses to talk to me or my father about her illnesses. I have 4 sisters and my mother only talks to 2 about her issues. Those 2 just do not impart any info and it’s like drawing blood from a stone to get any information from them. But the current thing I have is that she has just been diagnosed with even more cancer, and this time perhaps not curable. She’s my mother and I love her, but she won’t let me in. She has hurt my emotionally my whole life. I am asking anyone how they felt when a toxic parent dies. I am worried about how I am going to feel. I strangely feel I will be devastated that she never showed me love before she dies. I feel I need that for closure. But even my most recent phone call (2 days ago) was cut short because she started to turn nasty in the call. I just don’t know what to do to protect my feelings whilst obviously caring for her when she won’t let me. I feel I am in an awful predicament. Any advice from anyone who experienced the death of a toxic parent would be welcome please. Thank you.

This reminds me of a story my mum told me.
Her aunt had breast cancer back in the ‘30s.
The doctors gave her morphine for her pain.
My Nan would take Mum with her to visit, but Mum said her auntie would scream and scream and scream from the pain - auntie’s sisters didn’t believe in medication, so they didn’t give her the morphine - they let her suffer.
I just…

Sorry - that was in reply to @SiouxsieSiouxStiletto

That's so seagull. It much have really had an affect on your DM to see her screaming like that and what an awful way to go.

My "D"M is a retired Nurse so understands perfectly what Cancer can be like. I'm sure she was upset with the sudden news that her DH was dying but still, it wasn't easy for any of us and I wanted to make sure he had the best death he could achieve.

@WorriedDaughter12 as my name suggests, I had a shitty mothering experience. My mother died earlier this year. I felt nothing except relief and I went home and opened the champagne, literally. She also had dementia at the end. Even when one of the nurses had pointed out that I had been every day to sit with her, she was still wanging on to them about how marvellous my sibling was (who was miles away and hadn’t bothered to come). It was fitting that the child she had given the shittiest childhood to was the only child who bothered to be there at the end. That was my closure and frankly my last laugh. I am and have always tried to be, a decent person. Anyone who knows me knows this. Anyone deployed by my mother to parrot her narrative was/is irrelevant and their opinions don’t matter to me - and I know they had been specially chosen to not question her or ask difficult questions in general.

You will never get a narcissist to admit they were wrong or to apologise so concentrate on yourself. You really don’t owe her anything. As a pp said, celebrate your ability to mother in an entirely different way. My DD has had the childhood I should’ve had and I’ve broken the cycle of repeated shitty mothering in this family. Give yourself and your energy to your own family - trust me, when the going gets tough your mother and siblings will have you running around. For your own sanity, walk away.

@SiouxsieSiouxStiletto my mother was also an ex nurse….

She sounds awful @WorriedDaughter12

I think you should expend your emotional energy in supporting your Dad and also in self care. When the inevitable happens, don't feel guilty if you don't feel upset. It doesn't make you a bad person. She has basically been emotionally bullying you and your Dad for many years.

My MIL is an awful person too. My husband has confided in me that he doesn't think he will feel sad when she dies. Very conflicting for him and his siblings who feel the same way. Society puts pressure on us to feel a certain way when a parent dies but it's ok to not feel this way.