Parents not in happy place

[sydenhamhiller]

I was hoping for some guidance from people wiser than me…

My parents are 78 and 80. We live opposite ends of the country, (my parents were expats and lived abroad for 30 years). My sibling lives abroad. I have suggested moving closer to me, they are not keen.

DM has cancer, diagnosed mid COVID, given a year max. She was very very unwell, support was not great pre diagnosis (covid times), and at one point we thought it was a matter of weeks. Very stressful for everyone, DF who has never coped well with stress - found it very difficult to cope with, but also struggled with trying to let me/ anyone help.

Now, 2 years later, DM is a medical miracle, responded very well to a new treatment, went from not being able to get out of bed/ me getting a stair lift put in, to walking around the shops. It’s amazing.

My dad - who has never been great with social cues - has deteriorated socially since retirement. Talks over people, interrupts, etc. Increasingly tells the same story, and when you say gently, it’s the 3rd time dad, he can’t stop himself, as he’s started, he has to tell the whole thing.

He talks over mum all the time, medical appointments, social situations. She was out with me and my DD yesterday and started crying in the middle of the shops with how frustrating he is, talking over her and other people, she has stopped going to social events because she is so embarrassed with his behaviour - but then feels stuck at home with him.

I don’t know what to do. For the past year, I have said to mum (and to my dad) I am worried about the repeating self, his drinking (a whole other thread), his moroseness. They promise me they will make an appointment and then don’t.

I know I am also an opportunity for my mum to have a moan, and a vent - she says it is disloyal to moan to her friends… but it’s really hard for me to have my mother moaning at me about my dad every visit. She is not very kind, and has not been very kind to me over my life, so I spend every visit biting my lip, and every time in between visits dreading the next visit.

So - any tips? Should I call and make GP appointment for them? I think they could do with some some of talk therapy - but not quite the right generation to lean in to that. Am I being too pushy, is it none of my business? Just dad has had some falls with his drinking now mum thinks - so it seems wrong to stand by and do nothing. We don’t offer drinks when dad is around, I’ve said please don’t drink until after dinner so not on empty stomach but he buys whiskey and hides it around the house.

I am so sad about all of this, and feeling like a useless daughter. Any tips on how to navigate this gratefully received.

It does sound as though there's some deterioration with your DF, whether that's the start of Dementia or the drink or both I don't know but in your shoes I would email or write to his GP.

Make it very clear that you don't want any information from them but you are very concerned about your DF's drinking and cognition and the falls and ask if they can see him for an assessment.

I've had to do very similar with 2 different relatives and 2 different GP's and both times it was taken seriously.

Thank you, I appreciate this.

I emailed my Dad's GP when he showed signs of being unwell. They were very helpful and whilst they couldn't share anything, they did call him in for a review and got the ball rolling.

You could also contact their local SS adult helpdesk - your Mum could be deemed vulnerable if she's living with someone with a drink problem which sadly is what this sounds like. It sounds very difficult for you all

Ah, thanks for that. And for the sympathy. X

I would have him checked for dementia op.

This sounds so familiar. Parents live 3 hours away, DM has cancer and DF can't handle things. DF is incredible annoying but also DM is mean to him. It's an exhausting situation. Last week I received 16 texts in a day from them both moaning about the other.

We've organised reviews for DF, he's being checked for Dementia (a previous review showed mild cognitive decline) and if there is no diagnosis we will go back to discuss anxiety. We also organised referrals for talking therapy for both of them. A positive is that they gave permission for me and my sibling to be on their records so we now have access to everything and can manage appointments.

It is exhausting, emotionally and physically. I work full time, have young children and basically have two additional adults to manage now. And the constant guilt is grim.

Gosh, yes - the annoying ness and the meanness.

The only way I can cope with the guilt is by compartmentalising: which is probably not very healthy, and why I am very irritable when I go and visit despite the pep talks to myself, and full of dread in between. And I can’t really talk about any of this in real life, because everyone says ‘oh I wish my mum and dad were still around, annoying or not’, or ‘make the most of every moment whilst they are still here’.

Which really helps with the guilt I already feel for not doing more/ being a better daughter/ wanting to hang out with a mother who has never hidden her dissatisfaction with the daughter fate gave her. (A year ago she asked ‘do you think you’d have made more of a success of your life if we’d stayed in the U.K.?’)

Note: am boringly married to my uni boyfriend, 3 kids, teacher - not an axe murderer though!

For starters you are a brilliant daughter coping really well with a tricky situation. Secondly, those friends who tell you to make the most of them would get sharp shrift from me. I have a dreadful parent who I've torn myself into strips over and god help anyone who tells me I will miss them when they're gone! Big hugs for you, try and maintain as much distance as possible for your own sanity, easier said than done I fully appreciate xx

Which really helps with the guilt I already feel for not doing more/ being a better daughter/ wanting to hang out with a mother who has never hidden her dissatisfaction with the daughter fate gave her. (A year ago she asked ‘do you think you’d have made more of a success of your life if we’d stayed in the U.K.?’) Oh, that is hard! I’m struggled with guilt over not instilling in one DC the character traits to allow him to be more successful in life, but I would never let him know that.