AIBU - demanding mother, have I left it too late?

[abpsoton]

Sorry for long post, it’s the first time I’ve ever really talked openly about any of this. I’m 46, married with 12 year old, working full time. Mother is 78, my Dad passed away 51/2 years ago.

Mother and I have a history of her making a lot of “demands” of me from
the age of 13 on how my life would be when I grew up; deciding what degree I would do at which university, what job I would do, where I would live (build a house in her back garden), even down to me taking every Wednesday afternoon off work to take her shopping, take her for a day out every Saturday and cook a family roast every Sunday. There was no plan for me to find a partner or have a family of my own, it was all about what I would do for her. Dad was a sweetheart but very passive.

It was a lot for a 13 year old to take on and at 19, while at her uni of choice and studying what I was told to study, it suddenly dawned on me how wrong it all was and let’s just say I rebelled. I found a guy 14 years older than me, divorced with 2 kids and jumped head first into a relationship. I finished my degree but went and got a job in a completely different field and moved 80 miles from home. Mother had a breakdown which I got blamed for, then was diagnosed with depression and threatened suicide all because I was a selfish b*h of a daughter (I quote).

Well flash forward 25 odd years and last year she moved round the corner from me and my family. She demands to see me every day for a minimum of an hour (somethings she’s here 4 or 5 hours) and demands my undivided attention, huffs and puffs if I try and get on with jobs while she’s around. If I dare miss a day or we have a family day out without her I guarantee there will be a crisis the next day, either something gone wrong with the house or she’s seriously ill. She is slowly starting to refuse to do day to day things for herself, expecting me to sort out her car insurance, broadband etc. she’s capable
of doing it herself she just seems to expect me to do it. She’s really affecting my job (which she openly says she has no respect for because it’s not what she told me to do) because she expects me to take 2 hour lunches to sit with her (I wfh). My son, who already suffers from anxiety, is really struggling with the fact he’s having to fight to get any attention when she’s around.

it’s probably pathetic at my age, but I never had the chance to learn how to set boundaries with her when I was young as she was just so domineering. Where on earth do I start now?? Have I left it too late? How do I cope with the guilt from saying no? I can’t go though another episode like we did when I was a late teen…any suggestions welcome.

I can only say... you need a therapist. A good one.

Is there any option to stop wfh? Or at least to go somewhere else to do all/some of your work - a library, a pub, a friend's house?

You're not 19 any more and you don't have to blow up your own life to say no to this incredibly dysfunctional behaviour. I do think you need a supportive voice to work on setting your boundaries where you want them to be.

My friend got so desperate with her mother turning up day and night she called the police. That stopped mum dead.

Imagine what would happen if you refused to do as instructed. Start small, maybe by scrapping the meeting at lunchtime because you don't have the time. What's the worst that could happen? She can't send you to your room, stop your pocket money or ground you. Would she stop talking to you for a week? How bad would that really be? If she's going to sigh and tut ignore it. If she has something to say then she can use her words like adults do.

Does she have anything else in her life other than you - can she not join a book club, volunteer at the food bank, read to children at the primary school. You both deserve to have a life of your own, independantly from each other.

I know it's easier said than done, I was in my fifties before I found I could say no to my mum and my mother in law.

No, it's not too late. But you're going to have to go in hard and prepare yourself for the full-on narcissistic rage that will inevitably follow when you start putting your boundaries in place.

Your mother sounds like a highly toxic person who does not see you as an individual person with full autonomy over your own life.

You do not owe her anything and you do not have to set yourself on fire to keep her warm.

Please do look up FOG (Fear Obligation and Guilt). You might start with the Out Of The Fog website https://outofthefog.website/

I would echo the previous poster who suggested you get yourself a therapist to help you navigate this. Somewhere down the line you might even find that you need to go No Contact with your mother in order to preserve your own wellbeing.

Did you know about her planned move to become your neighbour or did she just turn up one day?

Another suggestion is that you look up the wonderful Dr Ramani on Youtube, as it is highly possible that you are dealing with either a narcissistic mother or one who has some kind of cluster B personality disorder.

Can you move house?

drastic but might work!

I've recently started listening to this podcast and found it very helpful.
open.spotify.com/show/2jCy27ZdATq6C4PZQtbHys?si=UoQYrbJCQ0ypPiMrxU1H2w

Each episode is 2 therapists working through a different problem. I am finding it very helpful with setting boundaries with my mother.

Get your husband to tell her she can’t come round while you are working.
Yes,,Yes, I know we should all be totally self sufficient etc etc but someone who is 78 probably take more notice of a man.

otherwise, you should write to her ( because it is too hard when the dominant just interrupt and argue). Just say that she can’t come round when you are working or you will lose your job, which will mean that you will have to move out of your house. To New Zealand.

Good luck OP. I’ve had a bit of a similar situation, although only about a hundredth as bad. You need to start establishing how things will be ongoing, because the demands will increase and increase as she ages. And she could last another twelve years, no problem.

Some of what she did is pretty normal. Of course at 13 you choose options with a view to a degree and that's really normal for a parent to heavily guide to your strengths.

It's also really normal to rebel against your parents when a child goes to uni.

What isn't normal is the way this has continued since

You need to set boundaries. This is now on you. You are not a child

Mum "I want to come around today "

You " it's not convenient, I will come and see you for an hour on Friday". And repeat. Don't get into an argument.

You need to stand up for yourself.

Tell her you are no longer working from home and you are on a course for the next week or so. Go and work in a library, cafe, rented office space - anything. Don't tell her where. If she demands to know say that you need to focus on your work and no visitors are allowed. Alternatively work from your home but just don't answer the door. You need to break this ridiculous cycle of letting her into your home for hours on end. You can say no.

You need to be less available which, for a while at least, means you are at home less and you don't answer her calls.

doubt you will be able to reason with her at 78, so here’s another vote for making yourself unavailable until she’s broken the habit of popping in daily. Sounds like a nightmare.

Honestly the best place to start is by saying no. Say no and repeat it. Don't give in.

I am the mother of AC and I find these threads quite distressing. What mother does not want happy independent lives for their children? What can these people be thinking?

I see my AC by invitation only - I would never drop in. On the very very rare occasions when I have, I send a text to ask if it's OK. I see them a lot, but it is on their terms - I try and help them (e.g. child care) when they need this; but otherwise, as a widow, I lead an independent life, of which they are just one part. They are always there for me when I need help, as I am for them - but they have their lives to lead, and I am no longer central to that as I was when they were small. All parents of my age need to come to terms with that.

Controlling people are very difficult to break free from and I think you may need some help with this. But be clear that her behaviour is not normal. Our AC are there to be loved and supported and not controlled. The fact that she enjoys doing this is pathological.

I wish you lots of luck in sorting this out.

Hi OP. I don't have any advice to offer, past what has already been suggested (in varying degrees...moving house is drastic, but who knows!). I hope you're able to start to put in boundaries, the most obvious one being 'no visits during working hours, including lunches'. I would actually specify during a week when you are OK with a visit from your DM, e.g. on Saturday this week, between 2 and 3pm. At 3pm, say "it's time to go now" and if questioned why, "we have plans" and don't elaborate. The idea is to not get into a long drawn out explanation, as it's not her business as to why it doesn't suit anymore. Then enforce the leaving. Good luck x

I really feel for you. I have a similar situation, but nowhere near as full on. It's very easy to say just say no, and repeat, until she gets the message. Unfortunately, at her age, with the length this has been going on and her tenacity, it will be very very difficult, especially as the guilt will kick in for you. I agree with a PP that you need to get yourself a good therapist to hold your hand through this, take small steps to reassert your independence from her, steel yourself for meltdowns from her, but stick to those small steps. Then take slightly bigger steps and continue. Or, and this could actually be easier if you can face it, move, change your phone number and go nc. Do you want to maintain a relationship with her? The effect on your son needs to be the catalyst for you to do something. I wish you the best of luck, as I know how hard it is. X

It absolutely isn’t too late to change the dynamic - you have acknowledge the effect it’s already having on your son and that is only going to get worse as he gets older and feels he’s not your priority.
Mira nene going on so long I think PP are right to suggest a therapist if finances allow as it’s going to be tough to break the stays quo.
Good luck, and we’ll done one making steps to change things!

Never too late. Could you tell her you, re being sent on a work course and need all your time to concentrate on it. Keep your door locked at all times in case she turns up.

I disagree.

I talked to me children about their option choices but didn't expect them to do particular subjects I wanted them to do.

Guiding children and dictating their path are two different things.

Agreed but it's our perception as a child if we are forced to or heavily guided
I really wanted to take art. I had absolutely no chance if passing that. My mum (quite rightly ) heavily guided me to something else. My art teacher later told me he was si grateful I hadn't chosen it as I had no chance of passing it. "if only they gave marks for enthusiasm!)

No it’s not too late.

I put boundaries in aged 48 and they didn’t like it and have gone NC with us. Which was hard as I didn’t actually want that - I wanted ‘normal’ but they can’t do normal.

I would read about narcs - Dr Ramani is useful but you need proper therapy with a counsellor that doesn’t think that everyone needs a good relationship with their parents.

Your self confidence must be shot to pieces. So check a few things:

1. has she got a key?
2. do you have a ring doorbell
3. be prepared - flying monkeys, drama with the house or health

so the easiest one might be work

Mum I am no longer able to see you during work hours - and we have decided as a family that our home needs time with just us. I will arrange to see you on Saturday afternoon this week. You can meet us at the garden centre at 2 pm.

the house floods - plumbers number is this please contact him yourself
chest pains - phone 999
starts banging on the door - mum you must leave your behaviour is unhinged I’m working - if you don’t leave I will phone 999

please respect my boundaries

don’t apologise and no is fine.

can we talk today - no, see you Saturday

she will explode and it will be hard but you are not doing yourself any favours. She will throw everything at you.

any nasty behaviour just put the phone down/ turn mobiles off, unplug landline or block her.

text her and say you must stop - this is harassment and I will contact the police

and then do so….

Mine is like this. I only really realised the full extent when I caught her out slagging off my wonderful DH to her friend. Years ago she had me lined up to always live near her, go on holiday with her and then look after her but fortunately work took me far away (to somewhere she couldn't afford to live). I didn't realise then how bad she is, but it's since become clear.

She's furious about how well my career has turned out as it means I'm not as available to her.

So, she doesn't disrupt my work life. Ever. I don't answer calls from her during the day. Use 'do not disturb' on your mobile so that important stuff (for me this is DH and DD's school) can reach me, but she can't. Unplug landline. We haven't given her a key. She can't just turn up. We've made sure there's nowhere she can stay in the house (eg if she wanted to do an overnight she'd have to go to a hotel). You'll get drama queen stuff about health scares and admissions to hospital but if you just ignore them, someone else will deal with it (I found it helpful when I had a broken arm which meant I couldn't physically drive there or help!). I didn't pick up the last one until she'd been in A&E for about 8 hours due to the not answering phone thing! Her friends dealt with it.

Grey rock is useful. So I don't give her information she can use to manipulate me or bully me. I don't talk about booking annual leave or how much I WFH.

You can do this! It's incredibly hard when they've behaved like this your entire lifetime but I'm determined not to let her affect my DD!