Struggling to be around my mother post psychosis

[frogspawns]

Hello! I'm posting because I'm struggling to be around my 62-year-old mother after a psychotic episode she had at the start of the year. Out of the blue, she started having all sorts of strange delusions of persecution, confronting strangers about non-existent slights, staying awake 24 hours a day, not eating, talking continuously in a sort of word salad. I forced her to accept treatment and medication (which was an awful process) because I genuinely thought she'd die otherwise, and doctors agreed.

She's generally back to normal now, but refuses to accept she was ever ill - her narrative is that I was fussing over her and gaslighting her, and that nothing was ever wrong. She's also stopped all medication against medical advice, after taking it for a couple of months.

Weirdly, despite the fact she thinks I am some kind of arch-manipulator who tricked her into thinking she was mentally ill, she seems perfectly happy to spend time with me (as long as I do the legwork of contacting her). But every time I see her I feel this sinking dread. I don't know what to do to fix my relationship with her. I know that she's unlikely to get on board with my version of events - and I also find it impossible to relax, without watching her for signs of a relapse (which doctors have said is very likely).

I can't work out what to do, and am struggling emotionally during early pregnancy. If I don't contact her, she won't contact me - would it be wrong to take a break from being in her life? Is there any way to persuade her that she's got a condition she needs treatment for?

Thanks for listening.

Take a break and focus on yourself. You are quite vulnerable just now being pregnant and with the added stress of your mother’s behaviour, as opposed to her support.
Does your mum possibly have undiagnosed dementia? It usually begins with paranoia and decline in cognitive functions (speech can be affected early on).
Or perhaps she is just isolated and under some personal stress?
Either way it is not for you to get to the root cause for her behaviour. If she makes you feel bad and it is not a positive experience then do take a break, focus on yourself and try not to worry. Then in two weeks, give her a call and offer to go out for lunch or a coffee, somewhere that you would enjoy and keep it as lighthearted as possible.

Is there anyone else who can keep a close eye on your mum so you can take a bit of a step back? Realistically in six months time you won't actually have capacity to be her close carer so putting a network in place now will not only protect your mental health but also keep her safe when you're otherwise tied up

Were the drs able to find a reason why she had that episode? Does the medication she should take help avoid it happening again? Is her saying she isn’t/wasn’t unwell possible part of the episode?

I would be taking a step back in your position. You need to look after yourself before you can look after anyone else.

I’m asking the above as a close family member of mine has bipolar, and in a manic or psychotic episode, is in complete denial she is unwell is a symptom of it, and she can never clearly remember them afterwards either so is unaware of the impact or how unwell she can be at times. If it is a situation like that, my answer would be to distant myself for my own sanity but also look at getting medical support for her if possible.

Thank you, I think maybe I needed permission to mentally take a step back and stop trying to get help for her, at least for a while. My first thought was dementia too, but the doctors said it is late onset bipolar, which needs to be controlled by medication - I think triggered by a traumatic few years.

Thanks, that's a good suggestion, I definitely want to work on building a support network around her a bit more

I think for your own well being, taking a break from her, or going low contact would be the best thing.

Yes, the drs say it's bipolar, and they prescribed her antipsychotic drugs which would have prevented relapse if she'd kept taking them. I don't think she's in a manic episode right now - she's able to have a pretty much normal conversation, although she does seem low and depressed. But she also seems to have no memory of what she said or did when she was unwell, which makes it impossible to convince her she needs medication. It's really helpful to know that's normal for people with her condition not to remember the episodes.

I find it hurtful that she won't take medication - I guess in my ideal world she'd want to stay mentally well so she could support me and enjoy having a grandchild. But maybe I will have to drop the idea at this point and just accept the situation as it is.

@frogspawns, it’s a lot to suddenly take on and try and support her with. It is also my Mum who has bipolar here. My Mum has only recently been given the diagnosis as well (she is in her mid 70s) after a manic episode that eventually culminated in her being hospitalised for over a month during a manic episode. However, I have suspected bipolar for about 10 years based on lesser and shorter hypomanic periods. This is the second serious manic episode my Mum has had in the last few years, and she is aware of that now but can’t remember how unwell she was and really struggles to accept the fact she now has a bipolar diagnosis (she wasn’t properly mediated against them until this hospitalisation however). Generally, not taking medication can be a sign she is starting to become unwell. I’m mentioning the above in case it resonates and helps explain the situation possibly with your Mum.

Can you contact your Mum’s GP or mental health team and ask them to intervene at this point? Or can you ask other family members to do so if you or she have other people around you who can help? Whether or not she engages with that help is her choice, you can’t do more than that and you need to protect your own mental health. If taking a break gives you space to do that, I would very much do that.

I have found the bipolar uk website and chat boards quite helpful in trying to understand more and consider how to get my Mum to seek help.

I have also had to remove myself (and my young children) from frequent contact with my Mum in periods like this as it can be so challenging. I understand when you say you watch her closely for signs of relapse and how difficult it is to live on edge like that. It’s exhausting, and when you are pregnant, you really don’t need anything to make you feel more miserable exhausted!

I find it hurtful that she won't take medication - I guess in my ideal world she'd want to stay mentally well so she could support me and enjoy having a grandchild. It’s not that simple a choice to her. Don’t know about the manic side but in depression you don’t think you are thinking “depressed thoughts”, you think you are seeing things with objective clarity. So there is nothing wrong with you and you are asked to take medications which may be extremely difficult to get off. It’s a long way from “I’m not well, and I don’t like putting chemicals in my body so it’s just tough that I won’t be well enough to support my daughter and new granddaughter” So try not to feel hurt, it’s not that she doesn’t care about you