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Elderly parents

Family not coping with df’s dementia

10 replies

Realitea · 31/07/2023 18:58

The lockdowns in covid really propelled my fathers dementia. Suddenly, after these lockdowns my family realised and df got rapidly worse since then. Now over the past year my elder sibling has become power of attorney. But the rest of the family including my step mother, are not talking to me. They seem to blame me for his decline but I don’t understand why. Just before she ceased all contact my Step mother said ‘these past couple of years have been hell’ and looked at ME with such disgust. I haven’t caused this. I don’t know why they’ve chosen me as their object of blame but how do I cope with this on top of having to come to terms with my father having dementia.
I think the reason they blame me is because my father has fixations on things and for the past year he’s been fixated with my son being a failure. He talks about it all time. My son isn’t a failure, he has a good job and he’s kind. I’m proud of him but my father forgets this and keeps contacting me to say how disappointed he is in my ds. It’s so hard. My family seem to take what my father says to them, over the truth. Maybe because they don’t want to believe df has dementia. I now have no one really apart from my own children and dh. I had quite a big family before.

OP posts:
MillWood85 · 31/07/2023 19:05

Your father has the excuse of a brain degenerative illness for his behaviour. The rest of the family do not.

Their behaviour towards you is cruel and unnecessary. I would take steps to protect yourself from this - I'm not in contact with my sister because I refuse to be her emotional punchbag. It hurts, but it's far better not waiting for the next launch at you.

I'm sorry about your Dad.

Realitea · 31/07/2023 19:22

Thank you. That’s helped a lot just reading that. It’s left me feeling so confused. I don’t speak to any of them now. I’m lucky that I have others outside my family I can turn to and also mumsnet of course!

OP posts:
Eloweeese · 31/07/2023 20:14

Dementia is a bastard. My mum and I had a wonderful relationship, saw each other multiple times each week through these life. In the last three years she thought I was two different people, on a Tuesday I was the not very nice carer. She was polite to me, but wary and asked me each time if I were married, did I have any children etc. on Fridays when I took her out I was her daughter again. She used to these visits to slag off the Tuesday carer to me...

AgeinPlace · 31/07/2023 22:58

It's crazy the sort of stress and strain things like this can put on a family. It really sounds like you are being unfairly treated.

It might be difficult, but can you get into the same room with these people? Do you all live close? I often find getting people together (rather than text/dm/email etc) can sort a lot out.

i hope things improve soon.

afutureathome.com

MereDintofPandiculation · 01/08/2023 08:47

Eloweeese · 31/07/2023 20:14

Dementia is a bastard. My mum and I had a wonderful relationship, saw each other multiple times each week through these life. In the last three years she thought I was two different people, on a Tuesday I was the not very nice carer. She was polite to me, but wary and asked me each time if I were married, did I have any children etc. on Fridays when I took her out I was her daughter again. She used to these visits to slag off the Tuesday carer to me...

What would have happened had you taken her on a Tuesday?

Sicario · 02/08/2023 09:17

What a horrible position to be in. You've clearly been made the family scapegoat so they have somewhere to direct their anger. Do you have a relationship with your elder sibling who has become POA?

Sometimes these family rifts are fixable. Sometimes they are not.

MereDintofPandiculation · 02/08/2023 12:27

MereDintofPandiculation · 01/08/2023 08:47

What would have happened had you taken her on a Tuesday?

@Eloweeese The reason I asked that is that the only time my father hasn't recognised me is when I saw him in the street, pulled up, and said did he want a lift? I left him to do his shop while I did mine, then went to find him, and he'd vanished, found out why next day when he told me about this nice lady who'd given him a lift because she was going to the supermarket too.

I wondered whether recognition is tied to situation. Your DM for some reason associates you with nice trips out, not with being in her home and doing little jobs for her?

Eloweeese · 02/08/2023 12:41

She died last year. It was the same set up for Tuesday and Friday. I picked her up both days and took her shopping exactly the same both days. Most odd. I'll never know

Jujubes5 · 02/08/2023 12:43

I would wonder if he is mixing your DS with someone from his past eg a younger brother or somethinh.

MereDintofPandiculation · 03/08/2023 09:31

Eloweeese · 02/08/2023 12:41

She died last year. It was the same set up for Tuesday and Friday. I picked her up both days and took her shopping exactly the same both days. Most odd. I'll never know

That is truly bizarre!

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