How to Help my Elderly Widowed Mother

[Tamarachick]

Brief backstory, my mother lives alone, having been widowed a year ago when my stepfather died following a short illness. She’s in her mid 80s and although physically and mentally fit, she has mobility issues following a hip op some time ago.

She has a very good friend who lives in the next road and who visits her several times a day, staying for an hour or so each time plus several neighbours who visit regularly and keep an eye on her. She has many friends and is often in phone contact with them during the day. I live 30 mins’ drive away and visit around 3 times a week and my sister lives a few hours away but visits every fortnight, staying a few days each time. She comes to dinner with us every other Sunday or we take her out to eat.

My worry is that her life is very limited now, she rarely goes out due to her mobility issues unless we take her, and her horizons seem to be closing in. She’s a sociable person but has hearing difficulties which also limits her social interaction. She’s had several falls which have left her even more immobile.

I’m at a loss to know how to improve her life - I find myself overwhelmed, almost obsessed, with her problems and issues and in trying to find solutions to help her.

I’d love to hear from anyone who has had experience of this kind of situation, and any suggestions on how to improve her quality of life, would be so welcome.

Many thanks and happy weekend 🙏🏼

Would she like to visit a day centre whereby they pick her up, have lunch, meet others and then get taken home again.

What does she say? From what you have said it sounds like she has loads of social contact with yourselves, friends and neighbours. Maybe that's enough for her.

That might be an idea, I hadn’t thought of this. She has tried several clubs but so far these haven’t worked very well for her due to her hearing problems. Thank you, I will look into it.

She says she is very lonely and sometimes doesn’t see the point of going on which breaks my heart. She is very needy when it comes to human interaction and is only happy when she is with other people 24/7. We have suggested sheltered accommodation or assisted-living, but it’s not something she wants to do at the moment as she has such good contact with her neighbours.

That sounds like a lot more contact than most elderly people get. There is a community transport organisation local to us that does regular trips. Probably something similar near you, but someone would probably have to accompany your DM if she has mobility issues (does she use a wheelchair when out and about?)

If she is falling regularly is it time to assess her living arrangements, would she be better in a place where there is a warden for example. Would also have company on tap

Does she wear hearing aids?

Does she use any mobility aids? She possibly doesn’t want to use a zimmer. Is there money for a mobility scooter? Local Social Services can help with equipment, eg zimmers, grab handles, perching stools.

Can you set her up with an account for a local taxi firm? Make the ordering and paying as easy as possible?

Do do something about the hearing. Poor hearing is linked to dementia because of the limiting of social interaction. First step is GP who will check for wax then refer to an audiologist. NHS hearing aids are good and discreet. What often happens is that the high pitches go first, so the person no longer hears s and t and speech seems mumbled, but because the person still hears lower noises perfectly, they are unaware they have any hearing loss. There are hearing tests on the internet which are useful to demonstrate the need.

My mum is similar to this. 84 and we lost my dad a couple of years ago.

You and your sister are doing lots for her already, she has a wide circle of both in person and longer distance friends and acquaintances.

It’s a shame that she is so needy of company that she can’t be content with that, but you cannot make her life perfect.

I’d also gently suggest the possibility that with the ‘so lonely she doesn’t want to go on comments’ she knows exactly how guilty she is making you feel, which is really unfair.

I suspect she’d like you or your sister to either move in with her and suggest she moves in with you.

You are being a great daughter and you are entitled to your own life too.

Thank you for your reply. We have addressed the question of warden assisted-living, but she is keen to stay in her own home at the moment.
She does wear hearing aids which are regularly assessed.

Does she wear the hearing aids all the time or just when she’s with people? Important to wear even when she’s on her own because the brain needs to adapt

I was going to ask that to. My DAunt is currently in hospital complaining that she can't hear what the staff say and can't understand them but every time I go she has t got them in.

I don't think it's up to you to fix this problem for her right now. She doesn't want to move to somewhere more suitable, she doesn't like clubs and you're already doing a lot.

She needs to think of some things that don't include you or your DSis.

Thank you, I guess I also needed reassurance that I am doing enough – it always feels that I could do more, which makes me feel guilty all the time!
I have my own very busy business and luckily as I am self-employed, I can work around my mother’s needs but still this often find me working until late at night. I am also married but fortunately have a very understanding husband!
And I think you’re right, her ideal scenario would be to move in with either of us, but that’s just not possible, we live in a tiny cottage with steep stairs and it would also isolate her from her friends and neighbours, and would further limit her life. Also, this might sound very harsh, but I’m not sure I could live with her full time!

That’s not harsh that’s totally fair - my mother is a similar age but mobile, she got hurt last year and as it was a temp situation I moved her in, but if it was permanent it wouldn’t have been the solution. It’s difficult to have a permanent houseguest and you’ll find your patience and understanding is much higher when you have respite than when you don’t.

I’m promising myself that I’ll have more ability to resist the guilt tripping when I hit that age but possibly not. End of life seems to hit personality hard and makes a lot of people more selfish than they’ve typically been before.

Also, this might sound very harsh, but I’m not sure I could live with her full time!

Not harsh at all. Living with my "D"M was bloody awful the first time, I certainly wouldn't want to try it again!

If she is falling then has she been to a Falls Clinic or had physio? Would she be motivated to do any exercises given to her.

Physio can make a dramatic difference to frequency of falls but it does depend on you putting the effort in.

Does she use a shopping trolley when out and about, one which you push rather than pull? My elderly DM has one that she uses for stability and it can double up as a seat

My DF went to the Falls Clinic and did his physio every day and it did have a dramatic effect.

My M also had a hip replacement and has limited mobility now but refuses to do any exercises they give her.

It's hard to have too much sympathy with someone who refuses to help themselves.

Thanks for taking my reply in the spirit it was intended!

I had to stop working to care for my parents as dad was on end of life during the pandemic and we had very little support. I then continued as my mums carer for her to get back on her feet, but actually found it just made her even more dependent.

We ended up having a huge falling out last autumn (long and grim story) but ultimately it re set our relationship and she copes much better now.

We’ve gone from me being there 5 days a week for half a day at a time, to 3 short visits a week and I’m returning to work full time in September so that will drop to 2.

She has a couple of friends she sees weekly, one goes fortnightly and another she visits about once a month (met her through the University of the Third Age last year!).

There are no more wobblies if I can’t make a visit and sometimes she even tells me not to go because she’s busy!

You sound lovely and very caring @Tamarachick , you are doing so much already. I suggest you and your sister register as her carers with your GP. When I did this a whole host of agencies which could help opened up to me. My dad particularly enjoyed the ladies from Crossroads Care who came once a week to chat and play games with him. I encouraged getting a cleaner too a couple of times a week which was another soul buzzing around. Do think ahead, make sure your mum has a key safe , be aware of tripping hazards etc. Does your mum have a tablet so that in between visits she could video call you or your sister?
Best of luck and well done. X

Does your mum have a tablet so that in between visits she could video call you or your sister?

Whilst I think this might be lovely for your DM, do consider whether you want to be more available

That sounds very interesting, registering to be her carer – I will look into that. It would be good to have more resources available to her. Thank you for the suggestion 🙏🏼

It sounds like your mother is very lucky, she has a really great social life, she has her mental health intact, and she has two great daughters who really care for her. Well done to you and your family for the support she needs.

You are, of course, correct - it's the falls that are the worry, and it's the (quite natural) aversion to 'ageTech' or mobility devises that is the problem. Who actually wants a stair lift or a walking frame in the house? None of us.

My take on this is to couch any discussion in avoiding the care system, which most people fear more than the mobility and fall detection help that could let them stay at home. So, any conversation can be built around "personally I would rather have <insert walker/exercise/stairlift/etc> if it kept me out of of care".

or even "what would your future self say to you now if, in 2 years time and after another fall, you are bed ridden or in a home?" "you would say, 'take the bloody walker' 'do the bloody exercise" 'wear the bloody alarm'"

And really difficult part is, you can tell them this, just try and bring it up in general conversation. They have to make the decision themselves!

But know you are doing a great job. Know that she has a lot going for her. Know that this is difficult for everyone and no-one has it figured out. And know that these are (rightly) her decisions and her responsibility.

All the best

afutureathome.com

Thank you so much to everyone who took the time to reply to my thread over the weekend, it really means a lot, and I’ve had some wonderful advice and information.

This forum is such a wonderful space xx

Me and my sister care for my nan who is 98 and share the visits much like you do. She often says how she doesn't want to go on and that the loneliness is killing her. It's hard to hear because, at 98, there's not alot more that we can do. She has a home help every morning who will make her breakfast and have a chat with her which is an idea for your mum? It has taken some of the pressure off me I must admit.

@Nodancingshoes thank you for your reply. Funnily enough, this was suggested to my sister this morning and we are looking into it. I didn’t know such a thing as existed so hopefully this will be helpful to us all. X