Saying no and coping with the guilt

[MadamPickles]

My mother is recently widowed (I posted about this a few weeks ago) and living abroad. She's early 70's, the death of her husband was quite sudden and unexpected. She came to stay with us for 2 weeks after the funeral having rung up the day after in hysterics saying she couldn't cope. I've barely seen her for the 10+ years she's been living abroad. TBH it had made my life a lot better. The 2 weeks she was here she spent sitting on the sofa expecting to be waited on hand and foot and entertained. She never said thank you for any of it. If it was the grief I could have coped, but it wasn't. It's just her. My health isn't great anyway and the stress of it made me ill. My kids barely know her and didn't like having her in the house (son had to sleep on the floor in the office so she could have his bed as we don't have a spare room, 3 of us work from home) and I don't know how my husband managed not to lose his temper with her.

She went home earlier this week and has managed a total of 3 days before messaging me and hinting that she's thinking of coming back. I had predicted this would happen so it wasn't a complete surprise, but I can't do it. She can't effectively move in here and sit around expecting to be waited on. She's already said a few things about moving back to the UK permanently, which we said we'd support from a practical POV, though we live in a very expensive part of the country which she can't really afford. I don't want to cause her any distress, but she already leaned on me far too much in childhood (my father was awful) and I can't parent her through this stage of life as well. I don't even like her that much. I messaged her back saying things would be difficult for a bit wherever she is, and had she thought any more about what she was going to do long term, but I didn't say anything about her coming back and staying with us. She hasn't replied. I know I have to set boundaries otherwise she'll move in and never leave.

But I feel so bad. The childhood training is hard to shake off.

I think you need to accept that you have nothing to feel guilty about!

She's using you for entertainment, companionship and servitude after making no effort for a decade.

You really don't need to feel guilty at all although I know that's easier said than done.

I think you've done brilliantly so far, you've explained that things will be difficult for her and that she needs to think long term. They must have talked about what would happen if one of them died?

Do not let her come and stay with you though, whatever happens.

Has she got much of a community where she lives and do you have any siblings?

Don't feel guilty OP. Can you put the blame on DH (obviously check with him first - he probably won't mind as a means to an end) and if she asks to come and stay again, say that DH won't agree?

@SiouxsieSiouxStiletto

Apparently they hadn't talked about what would happen in this situation at all and there was no plan in place for what she would do if it did, financial or otherwise. It has prompted OH and I to start having that talk, though. I feel bad for her, I really do, because it must be awful. But I can't rescue her from it.

I know this isn’t what you want to hear, but I feel very sorry for her. She’s just lost her husband, she’s in her 70s, she was previously married to an awful man, she lives in a foreign country, her own daughter “doesn’t like her” (she will know this) and her grandchildren didn’t like having her in the house.

Does she own the property abroad? I would support her in moving to the UK and help to set her up, but make it clear that she can’t live with you. I don’t think you should feel guilty about that part.

Have a look for some support helplines where she lives that you can signpost her to, if she was in the UK, I'd suggest Cruse Bereavement Support and Samaritans.

Apart from that, stick to your guns and keep those boundaries in place. You need to prioritise your own family, your husband and children who have loved and supported you over the last 10 years. You don't move to another country without any kind of plan if something bad happens. She's an adult, she needs to sort her own life out. She doesn't need babying. You're doing the right thing OP.

By the way, my advice would be different if you'd said she was a good mum to you and you had a good relationship despite the long distance. The fact your children barely know her and you said you've hardly had any contact with her in a decade means she can't suddenly expect your love and support now. Where has she been when you needed your mum?

messaging me and hinting that she's thinking of coming back.

What did she actually say?

I would be very clear in my reply-‘You need to do some serious thinking about your plans now, I think. Obviously you can’t stay with us-three of us work from home and we don’t have a spare room. What living arrangements are you thinking about?’

Do you have siblings? Does your mum have support/friends/family abroad? Does she speak the language there to seek out counselling/navigate the finances there?
If she returned to the UK, would she even be entitled to NHS/social services etc?

One option is to sit with the guilt, and accept that it’s natural and will be there, and while it does not feel nice, it may still feel better than having to wait on her while depriving your son of his room.

I think it is normal to feel some guilt, and also normal to set some boundaries.

There is no perfect solution, and feeling some guilt does not mean you are a bad person - in fact it suggests you are a more compassionate person than those who could do it with zero guilt.

I think that's a very good way of describing it.

It hasn't occured to you that the op doesn't like her mother for very good reasons?

The advice generally is that a person shouldn't make big life decisions (like moving house) for a year or so after a close bereavement. So regardless of the state of your relationship it would be good to advise her to take time to consider before deciding on anything. Would she be able to find a bereavement counsellor where she is? It would be useful for her to be able to talk through her feelings and options with someone who has no skin the game.

Keep your boundaries up, just say that it's not possible for her to stay with you rather than that you don't want her. Keep emphasising that she is making her own decisions and that she should take time to think through all her options and their consequences before she commits to anything. Basically slow her down so that she doesn't rush into something unsuitable that she will expect you to bail her out of.

Even if you had a great relationship I think I would still want my DM to be independent at that age. It's too young to be sitting on your sofa for the rest of her life, she needs some sort of activity and social life.

if she is able to cope in the other country alone (she can drive, speaks the language, knows people) then I’d encourage her to try to cope for a while longer there - no big changes for 6months. But if she’s relied on your dad to do all the talking, driving etc and can’t just walk to everywhere she needs, then she will need to move, but not to your house.

I know if something happens to my dad, my mum needs to move back to the uk - but it will be to a care home not our homes. If something happens to mum, dad would cope alone but might struggle in the short term as she’s so much of his life.

Beautifully put. Learning to "feel the guilt and do it anyway" is a very liberating superpower, much like "feel the fear and do it anyway".

Like PP said, the guilt will be uncomfortable and possibly inevitable because of all the societal expectations around family, but it doesn't mean you're doing a bad thing, just that you're breaking some social or cultural "rule" about how endlessly giving women are supposed to be. Allow the guilt to be there, but get on with your life anyway. Your mum is an adult who has made her own choices, you're not responsible for her happiness.

If she hints again at coming back for a visit, tell her that unfortunately she can’t stay with you again as it’s just too cramped and chaotic with so many people in the house. Suggest that you find her a nice bnb nearby and ask about what price range will work for her.

I remember your previous post OP. Well done for getting through it!. Absolutely dont feel guilty. I think youve had some good suggestions from PP.

What would be her financial status if she moved here? What pension does she/would she get etc?