Having spoken to friends of a similar age, I know that the following is a fairly common scenario and I just want to share it to see if there are others on here who feel the same as me. I waver between feeling positive about what I am doing and guilty that I don’t do more! I love my parents and have always had a closer relationship with my dad than I have with my mum.
My mother and father are 93 and 94 respectively. They still live in their own home. Mum has, as yet undiagnosed, dementia (totally denies anything is wrong with her) and is becoming more confused and irrational by the day.My dad has just has a minor heart attack and is recovering well. His mind is still pretty sharp. There is free support going in mornings, evenings for my dad to help with personal care for the next few weeks (and then he will probably continue with the care but pay for it) and I arranged homecare for two hours each day and cleaning and washing, ironing time midweek. They also have mobility aids such as a stair lift, raised toilet seat etc. My mum recently had a fall but is ok. I did talk to them about having an overnight carer but she wouldn’t hear of it. She is blaming the fact that my dad had a heart attack for having to put up with all these people in her house, although she then said to our daughter that everyone was very kind and she didn’t mind at all!
To be honest, the past few weeks have been supremely stressful. We live 40 miles away and although that may not sound very far, when it amounts to a (sometimes) 4 hour round trip because of the heavy traffic, it is very tiring. My husband is 71, I am 67 so we’re not exactly spring chickens. We were visiting 3-4 times a week whilst my dad was in hospital and stayed with them for a couple of nights after he was discharged until we got the care and mobility aids sorted, and now visit once a week, twice if necessary. They have local friends and neighbours who pop in to see them daily. I also fill their freezer with home cooked food and take fresh food for the carers to heat and serve so they are eating a good diet.
I am trying to get my father to manage his expectations of we should do for them given that they are well off and can pay for care. I have told him that I want to be their daughter, not a Carer and certainly not their skivvy. I reminded him that at our age, he and mum were living a great retired life sometimes abroad, sometimes in the UK. Their parents died whilst they were in their 50’s so they have never experienced what we are going through now.
We are knackered actually and I am doing my best to ensure that we don’t get run down and ill. I am the only child since the death of my brother some years ago so the expectations from others of me managing my parents care falls on me. For the first time in 15 years, I have had to ask for help with sleeping and my anxiety.
Selfish or not, I am determined that my husband and I will have a good retirement whilst we are still fit and well and I will NOT take on further responsibility for caring for aged parents. I have learned that I would be a rubbish carer anyway…I just don’t have the patience for the constant demands of can I do x,y,z , where is your mother, has she gone upstairs, can you pass my glasses, can you bring my book…it is relentless!
I believe that it is NOT the role of adult children to look after their elderly parents, especially when parents have the financial means to pay for full time care either in a home or in their own home, and have made that very clear to our offspring. I want to feel grief when they pass, not relief and would rather my daughter felt likewise when we pop our clogs.
End of rant! It felt good to get it out of my head and on paper!