Just found out mum has vascular dementia - care home move

[Totallyoutofmydepth]

Looking for guidance please. My mum (age 80) has declined rapidly over last 18 months - no sense of time, virtually incontinent, can’t articulate what she wants to say, now not on top of personal hygiene. She has denied all of this and says she is coping fine. We have carers coming in twice a day to administer her meds (v important as they are for mental health - “California rocket fuel” is the combo - mum was sectioned 7 years ago).

just found out today (after mum went to A&E for swollen leg) that she has vascular dementia - quite severe (stage 4/5). Only found out coz she had left hospital discharge letter in kitchen which mentioned it. I have suspected dementia for many, many months but mum has always denied. She has given POA to her two siblings (age 81 and 78) rather than to any of us - her four children. Her bro and sis are mentally top notch but never see her, averse to care homes and are in complete denial (fingers in ears singing lalala) - I guess that is why she appointed them as she knew they would take a back seat and never put her in a care home which she now desperately needs. Her four kids (including me) are run ragged and so anxious. Any advice? Can we get siblings off POA

I'd be raising a safeguarding concern with adult social care (social services), I doubt there will be much you can do about the POA as it has to be done when she's "in sound mind" and with a dementia diagnosis it would be difficult to get a change approved, that's if she even agreed to it.

Is the POA definitely for health and welfare, not just finance?

The POA (lasting POA) was set up in 2017 and is for both - finance and welfare

We found whilst we continued running ourselves ragged, with long distance drives every weekend for 18m, the elderly relative was deemed ok. Once, we did not visit every weekend ( had a baby so could not for a while), things changed.

This is not a safeguarding concern. The OP has not suggested that she believes her mum is being abused or neglected.

The OP needs to clarify if the POA is just for finances or it it is also for health and welfare decisions.

OP the quickest way to resolve this is to withdraw your labour. Contact adult social care and explain exactly why as you have in your OP.

Let ASC be the ones to have the tricky conversations with the POAs - that is their job.

Although ASC may agree that needs can still be met at home with an increase to the care package and some input from district nurses around the continence issues.

OP the quickest way to resolve this is to withdraw your labour. Contact adult social care and explain exactly why as you have in your OP

Totally agree. As hard as it might seem it's definitely the best way to get your DM the care she needs

OK, thank you all so much. I will contact social care on Monday morning. Sorry for late reply - mum called me to drive down again yesterday and I stayed overnight. My son age 17 was so cross - he went off to Spain this morning for a 2-week language course and I wasn’t there to help him pack or take to airport (fortunately we are London so he got Gatwick Express). It is so hard - my kids are my priority (or should be) but mum up there too

Not sure I can add to the POA advice here, so i'll just send sympathy and hope that things work out for you.

I have a site for staying out of Care, but it sounds like its the opposite of what you need. There are some good ideas for managing from a distance, which might cut down on trips down, or just relieve some stress.

Hope all goes better soon.

AFAH
www.afutureathome.com

I am in the middle of something similar, I have POA but parent has capacity. Do not let this drift. They will have you run ragged for their own ends and lie and exaggerate as required.

Your own family will suffer. Give social services the details of the POA and let the siblings do the next stage. Refuse to engage and use the excuse that you aren’t POA.

DO NOT LET YOUR DM TAKE OVER YOUR LIFE.

Contact social services Monday morning. Explain the situation, verbally and in writing that in 48 hours you will be withdrawing all care. No visits, no contact, no shopping, nothing. Direct them to those with POA and step right away, wait for the inevitable crisis.
Whilst you are propping up the situation nothing will change.

Elderly parents will be screaming for you when they get into trouble or do something stupid. They won’t care or take responsibility for doing what they have chosen to do. When they call you have to jump.