Dad sleeping on chair!

[wottawottawotta]

My DM (terminal cancer, 86) has been in a home for about 2 months. Deteriorating. Currently in hospital while they get pain relief and sedation right, expects to be back at the nursing home in the next couple of days. My Dad (84, fit for his age) is at her side every waking moment.

He's not happy about her being alone in her room once she's discharged back to the nursing home so he has announced quite cheerfully in a text to me that he'll be sleeping in a chair (albeit a nice comfy one) in her room once she's back in the home. I'm not sure how long he expects to do this. He's fit for his age, but not superman. When I saw him a couple of weeks ago (I don't live near) he admitted he was feeling stressed.

I don't want to fall out with him but this is an unhealthy way forward for him. And, if he's not happy with the care at the home (I took an instant dislike to it, so I'm not sure my view is very balanced), then we should be trying to fix that. Having to sleep on a chair in her room to keep her safe is not the way forward.

I'm thinking I'd rather she were in hospital or in the hospice but the nursing home is obviously the half-way house in the meantime. We've already looked into care at home but it was deemed too risky with her multiple issues.

Any words of wisdom?

I'm 76, my wife is the same age. I am fit and healthy and my wife has loads of health problems. I think I'd be like your dad. I'd want to be with my wife if she ever went into care. We might manage to share her single bed but failing that I'd rather be in a sleeping bag on the floor next to her that anywhere else.
After
years together it would be so hard to be apart.

Is
a chair a good option for your dad? It
really depends on his feelings and how comfortable the chair is. Can you afford to buy a decent reclining
chair that would go right back to be almost as good as a bed? If so, and if the home will allow it then
that might be an option.

Will the home even let him be there? If you're both not happy maybe push for a space at a different facility.

So sorry you're all going through this! 💐

Sorry but I very much doubt that the nursing home would let him sleep overnight in her room, unless it was expected she was in her last few days. Could you move her to a hospice rather than care home?

Hospice wouldn’t be a solution, they’re for people near end of life too

The care home my ex gp's in law were in let grandad move in (had to pay for meals and services but much lower rate) and they fitted an extra bed in nannas room

I think it will cause him much more stress and anxiety not to be there plus the stress of knowing you disapprove.

So I think you should let him do it. Sorry it's so hard xx

It's not good for your Dad to sleep in a chair because he needs to elevate his legs or his ankles will swell. If it's a recliner chair it maybe ok.

I don't know how often the home will allow it (if they allow it at all - I imagine he has enquired). He's already spent one night with her in hospital.

It's a recliner which he reckons is absolutely fine. It's one he bought for my Mum when she was still living at home.

If he is indeed allowed to stay, I'd prefer he bought himself a camp bed. It's a small room but a folding single would work. Our house is nearby, so he would still be able to go home for meals etc. He just hates the idea of her being alone at night. And I don't blame him. I don't blame him for any of this, I just want him to look after himself. He's fit for 84 but he's still 84. 2 replacement knees and has had back surgery. He needs a decent bed.

He'll do as he pleases as he's that kind of person but I'm worried about him.

I'm also really a bit annoyed that he hasn't updated me properly for the past 2 days so I don't know what's going on exactly. But I won't show my annoyance.