Elderly PIL so frustrating!

[PurpleSweetPeas]

Hi All, i feel I need somewhere to just vent. Apologies if this isn't the right place.

I'll start my saying I do have both my parents alive but for many complicated reasons I am NC with my mother and LC with my father. Neither have particularly cared well for me and I have made my peace with myself about my choice not to care for them when the times comes.

However, my partner of 6 years has parents in their early 80s. His mum has early stage dementia and other health problems. But is quite oblivious to stuff thankfully.

His dad is another kettle of fish. He recently let a bladder problem get so out of hand without telling anyone he now has significant damage but has been offered a small procedure to rectify the issues - he refuses to have this done and will have a catheter for life now. He has just been diagnosed with prostrate cancer - he has refused all treatment. He had a fall last week - refuses any care, support, anything and is now not getting around the house well.

They have a dog that is their life - the dog doesn't get to go for walks any more as his dad can't get out to walk him. This dog will die soon as it is getting very overweight and elderly itself.

It's just so frustrating to watch this and have no sway as it isn't my parents and also, although 6 years is a long time, it isn't enough for me to barge in.

I don't understand how someone can be, in my view, so very selfish to not even try to get help and support. Is this normal? I added the bit about my farming as I just don't understand 'normal' family dynamics.

I don't think refusing care is particularly unusual. I think a lot of people have fears around accepting help which they don't always voice. People often think if they allow 'officials' to see they aren't coping then they will be forced to go into a care home. Which isn't usually true.

Sounds like the dog may be a way in? Would they allow a carer to come to take the dog out. Could build some trust?

Your mil probably needs more support than they are letting on and certainly will in the future unfortunately.

Sorry op, it is frustrating from the outside but I think I will likely be just as stubborn when and if my time comes.

Can you ask them if they would like to care at home ? Is that something you can look into? About the dog I think may be your partner can suggest some dog walkers. I used to live close to a retirement home and lot of old people refused to leave house for whatever reason and they had a dog walker who would come 6 days a week at least.

Thank you both. They won't accept any care you might have hit on something with a dog walker!

It is just so frustrating and then not admitting how much help they do need and will most definitely need.

And I can't replay voice my opinion as that isn't fair on my partner who is feeling at a loss as doesn't live just down the road.

start with dog walker. then cleaner once a week etc, slowly get help in there