Parents rowing triggering my anxiety

[Sylver75]

I'm 48. Parents are early 70s. They fall out every few months, don't speak for a week or two usually.
I should be used to it but every single time, it really upsets me. They live near my work so I pop in at lunch a couple of times a week. Realised in 10 seconds today that an atmosphere was present. My sister was also visiting and hadn't picked up on the vibes at all. Basically, they argued over money, Dad is notoriously tight and when Mam asked him if he could pay €10 (I'm from Ireland) for his medication he said he'd rather do without it as he can't afford it. He's got depression, is on anti-psychotics as well as being diabetic, high blood pressure, etc He absolutely needs his medication but knows that not taking it gets a reaction.

I'm a grown adult, capable and independent but when my parents bicker, it's like I revert to being 6, stuck between them "Tell your mother this..." and "Tell your father that"

I ended up going back to work and crying in the toilets. I realise it's silly but I cannot help it. I then called there again after work as Dad needs daily eye drops for glaucoma and as my mother normally administers them, I feel like it's my job to take over if she won't/can't do it.

How do I stop turning into a frightened child whenever they row? I've got to a point where I'd almost feel some kind of relief if one of them were to die and I feel terrible for thinking that but a lifetime of walking on eggshells wondering what the mood is gonna be like.....I'm over it. I'm also worrying about Dad being off his meds. Even though he knows he needs them, he will stubbornly not take them while they continue to not be on speaking terms. He is very childish, so is she at times, I've always felt like the adult even when I was only a child stuck being the referee in this scenario.

You tell them to grow up.
You tell them you will not play their game.
If they start the nonsense you turn round and walk out the door.
If your father doesnt take his meds, if your mother doesnt do his drops... those are their decisions... their responsibilitites.
Nothing to do with you.
You live your life, they live theirs..
Seriously, stay out of it.

I know I should do that. God knows I've tried but I feel guilty then. I know you're right. Just hard to put into practice. I envy my brother who emigrated, he gets to be oblivious to it all.

You have to disengage and put up some boundaries.

if they are fighting, leave.
or better yet, if this is a frequent occurrence, stop going over for lunch.
don’t help with medication . You are not responsible for their poor decisions.

the only way you agree to be involved in their marriage is if one of them asks for help getting out of that situation.

Make up your mind that at the first indication of a row, or the first “tell your dad…” you will say “I don’t want any part in your argument” and walk out of the door.

Most important, every time just before you go in, remind yourself there may be a row and what you’re going to do. Avoid being caught unawares.

You are more than willing to help when they’re not trying to abuse you by making you the go-between. You have no cause for guilt

@Sylver75, I could have written your post. It’s an awful thing to get mixed up in because you have end up worrying when medication etc is impacted, that if you don’t step in, it will get worse.

(My DM is on mood stabilisers and an anti-psychotic and the arguments are far worse when she stops taking them as well as the threat of her then becoming unwell I find.)

The only way I have been able to do anything about this in recent years has been to tell them I am not going to get involved in their relationship, leave their company if they start arguing or pulling me into it, not replying to comments in messages or phone calls about each other etc. It’s got to the point where it was making me feel physically ill and I told them as much, saying for my own mental health and my ability to parent my own children, I couldn’t do it anymore.

I still have a massive amount of anxiety about it and am having counselling for that, but I do find I am getting pulled in less now and after a while, they have started to respect the boundaries with me a bit more.

I think you have to get to a point where dealing with it is worse than the repercussions over boundaries etc and when you get there, you have to change your response to it and try to keep out of it in whatever way works for you. It isn’t your relationship to have to sort and it isn’t far that it is affecting you so much. Are they aware of how you feel about it?

You need to tell them to grow up and stop behaving like a pair of overgrown toddlers. Then leave the house and refuse to get involved with their shit.

They are treating you like this because you are allowing them to. Tell them to stop being so childish.

Yes, they are very aware that their behaviour upsets me which makes it even worse, they don't care enough to spare me from it. I probably should get counselling for it, it's all to do with a long history of being the buffer between them, I slept a lot with fingers in my ears as a child to not hear their arguing. My other 3 siblings seem totally oblivious whereas I'm always on alert. It is affecting my own mental health, very much so and that manifests itself physically then with crying fits, lack of sleep and a perpetually churning tummy. I've often wondered if my presence just gives them another audience for their drama. As I said, my sister had been there a couple of hours yesterday and never even picked up the clues so they hide it better in front of her but I'll get the whole rundown of "He said, she said" when I'm there.

That's raised my anxiety just reading this. Totally understand how you feel and why it's so difficult to walk away from.
I have exactly the same regarding mother's mood ( father is no longer with us) My brother just 'doesn't notice'. I had therapy which really helped me in understanding that brother is doing what he needed to do to survive as a child - and never grew out of. Meanwhile I became the 'fixer' which is no longer serving me, and I've learned to have better boundaries, but it's becoming very hard to do as she's becoming frailer and more confused.
Big hugs!

I'd say exactly what @MereDintofPandiculation said. But I think you might need therapy to support you doing that. Is that an option?

Yours sound worse than mine (one set, at least) were!
But I would say, if they couldn't save the bickering and arguing and rude behaviour until after I'd gone, I was going to go there and then, as it was doing no good to anyone. I would say that I knew they could be civil at least for a while.

What mainly solved it was my Dad passing away and my stepmother meeting a pleasant chap who didn't suffer from the compulsion to wind everyone up :/

I really feel for you OP. My parents were very similar. I moved far away so rarely see them now

Excellent advice on this thread. Your parents have put you firmly in the role of fixer / listener / adult / caretaker and given you the message that that's the only way they have any interest in you. It's bloody horrible and very painful

As others have said, stop playing their game. You are an adult, you do not have to do what your parents expect of you. Yes, they will be angry, disappointed, furious even. Yes you will feel guilty. But I promise you the world will not end. You can do this. You NEED to do this for your own sanity.

I can't recommend therapy enough by the way. You and your parents sound very enmeshed with each other. Professional support will be absolutely invaluable for starting to disentangle yourself from then, and helping to understand the impact their behaviour had had on you, and continues to have on you

You absolutely need to step back from them because they’re doing you so much damage.
You’re not responsible for being a mediator between them and you’re not responsible if your father damages his health by not taking his meds.
Please start working on this straight away. They’ll only get worse, and imagine how bad it could be when they are in their 80s and 90s.