Complicated relationship with Dad

[RosinaG]

When I was 12 my parents split up. I was glad of it as my Dad would spend every weekend and all weekend down the pub and return drunk. He could be nasty on drink towards my Mum and many a night I’d hear him shouting, swearing and pushing her around. I would always wake up in the night to this which caused me to shake uncontrollably.

Because the split was initiated by my Mum, he decided to give up his job and not pay any CSA. He told my Mum she had made her bed and she could lie in it. He didn’t pay a penny towards my upkeep. Within a month or two he had moved 3 hours away so I only saw him 1-2 x a year but he would call 2 x month.

His main objective in ringing up would be to run my Mum down all whilst drunk. He would never ask about me and only talked about himself. This went on for years. At age 24, when he told me to F off after I told him he needed to move on (as yet again running my Mum down) I decided to stop contact. We didn’t speak for 14 years. He made one attempt to contact me by sending a letter which told me I should contact him and have respect as he’s my father and a weak attempt on Facebook. He made no contact with me when I had my first child despite the fact he knew.

Out of the blue I found out he had cancer and I couldn’t get him out of my head. I made contact again. He was pleased as not surprisingly he was on his own and lonely. When he found out his cancer had spread he told me he was going to move closer to be by his family. Me and his brother. I didn’t want this, but I couldn’t say. I am like a child with him. Meek and afraid of him.

He did move close and boy do I regret getting back in touch. I just don’t like him as a person. I don’t know why I ever thought I would. He has very high expectations as to the time I should give him. He is rude - still makes the odd comment about my mum, only talks about himself, is easily irritated and moans about everything.

I end up wound up every time I speak to him but because he’s ill and alone, I don’t speak up to him. I get nothing from our relationship as it’s all about him. I think the only reason he moved here was so that when he becomes really ill, I’m here to help care for him. I would love to stop contact again but know I’d feel guilty what with his situation. He has hinted he won’t have enough money for his funeral but I don’t want to pay anything towards it when he didn’t pay a thing towards me from the age of 12. When I told a friend this she said that was cold of me. What do people think?

Hi I think you’re right not to bother with him. He makes you unhappy & will continue to do so whilst you maintain contact with him. The only responsibility you have is to yourself. Look after yourself & those you love. Xx

Cut contact, after all, he's made his bed hasn't he?
Time for him to reap what he has sown.

Could you have some therapy? It could help you work through your feelings - which are totally understandable and hurt you.
You could also draw some boundaries.
Therapy can also help to reduce the emotional hurt and become more neutral towards your Dad. That can be very helpful

Walk away.
I know it's easy for me to say that and I understand you would feel guilty, but what has he done for you? What do you owe him? Nothing.
You're holding on to the idea of a better parent that you wish you'd had.

As regards any funeral the local Council will pay that if no one comes forward. Just dont talk to an undertaker or you will get the bill. Sorry to say he sounds an angry man that has used people all his life and he is still doing it. Hes coming home to be looked after. Would he be here otherwise? I would reduce my visits and the minute you are uncomfortable leave.

Well said

First of all, I want to say how amazing you are to be able to cope with this, you've been coping for years. Clearly this is not an equal relationship, your father has been abusive. Let me repeat that, abusive and continuously so. You have every reason not to see him. You have every right to protect yourself because after he's gone, you could still feel bad. I think you should try to seek therapy but if you are looking for some acknowledgement from strangers here, then let me tell you it is absolutely OK to cut contact. You have so many wonderful years to live, male sure you do.

Definitely go no contact . He sounds horrible.

I went no contact with my father ( less awful than yours) aged 25. Over the years I had a few wobbles wondering what if , having children was a factor in this. He also had serious cancer during this time.
I met him face to face last year, we made peace after he had a life threatening illness but I don’t want him back in my life again. It’s painful and difficult.

My thoughts are that having cancer doesn’t make you a nice person. He has no right to ask anything at all of you. I would be very unavailable . You don’t have to see him ! Don’t answer his calls all the time. If he slates your mum reply “My mum did a great job bringing me up, I’m not going to listen to this”.
Leave or end the phonecall if he continues.

Make any contact short and don’t initiate it.

Don’t feel guilty for a second. You owe him nothing

Thats a very tough situation OP. If it were me I would feel awful guilty about no contact at all, I think it would cause me even more stress but thats just my own way. Definitely as little contact as possible, on your terms. I mean like a scheduled visit, OP visits Thursday or every other Thursday 7pm. No contact outside the regular visit. I definitely wouldn't pay a penny for anything for him, he left you with nothing for so long and he doesn't deserve support, cancer or not. What does your Mum make of all this?