If it's not one thing, it's your mother

[dancydancer]

I've name changed for privacy. To cut a long story short, my mother unexpectedly lost her husband a couple of weeks ago (cancer, late stage diagnosis, end came very quickly). They were ex-pats and had been living abroad for over a decade. TBH her moving abroad was the best thing that ever happened to me. Got a phone call from her the day after the funeral, in hysterics, saying she couldn't cope, so we said she could come and stay with us for a couple of weeks. Didn't know what else to do in the circumstances.

Warning signs were there from day 1, when she booked a flight to an airport totally inconvenient for us (there are 2 less than an hour away) because it was cheaper. 5 hour round trip to pick her up. She's booked a return flight for 3 weeks (not the two that we stated).

We're now 6 days in and I constantly feel like bursting into tears. She just sits on the sofa playing on her phone expecting to be waited on hand and foot. Ignores my kids (both teens) and they're basically hiding in their rooms to get away from her. I'm expected to drive her to whatever shop she's decided she needs to go to on that day. Never says please or thank you. Never offers to make a drink for anyone else. I had a hospital appt on Wednesday (long trip into London, really stressful). Came back to find she hadn't even bothered to wash up. Wanted to know what was for dinner, followed by an evening of pestering about what the doctor had said. I didn't really answer. I've tried repeatedly to explain what the problem is and she doesn't listen (had a really bad attack of pain and diarrhoea on Monday thanks to the drive on Sunday, and all she wanted to know was when I would take her to the supermarket). I've got no space, no privacy. If she wants a drink, she fidgets and tuts and sighs until someone offers to make her one.

She very quickly said that she's decided to wants to come back to the UK full time. This was entirely predictable and OH and I had already assumed this was what she was going to say. She wants to move near here because I am the only one who can look after her. Neither of my brothers can do it because 'they both have jobs.' (I'm self employed, so flexible, but I actually have 2 jobs). Problem is, it now turns out, that she and my stepdad hadn't prepared for the current situation and she doesn't really have enough money to do it. Partly because, it turns out, they've been bailing the boys out financially for years. I haven't had a fricken birthday present in 15 years, but they gave my stepbrother thousands to top up his house deposit because he wanted a house that was out of his budget and they've been paying my brother's rent. She's already fishing to see if OH and I will make up the shortfall.

I'm so tired. I don't think I can do another 2 weeks of this. OH is losing his patience with how rude she is and taking it out on me. The worst thing is, my father (who was abusive and horrible) used to say she was lazy, and she is. It's like I'm 16 all over again, parenting an adult toddler who can't or won't do anything for themselves.

Please tell me I'm not the only one.

How very hard.

First I would deal with the upcoming fortnight, book her into the closest budget hotel for you to be able to have a break, even if you have to pay for it. (Maybe Monday - Friday next week?)

When she returns explain the boundaries and the help you can give her. Be very clear about the financials etc. I wouldn’t be helping financially, she can cut her cloth and manage her expectations WRT to her budget.

This sounds very tough for you and I'm so sorry you're going through this. Your mother may be going through a period of grieving or coping and expressing this is undesirable ways, some of it may be what she was already like, I don't know. I know it's hard but try to remember her loss and she probably is not the best version of her self by now, by far. The one thing that stands out however and the main thing is you need to have and set some clear boundaries with her. Be supportive, offer help, but be clear where you draw the line. You have two jobs, make her understand that! Don't give up on her, understand she's probably feeling very lost, unsure, vulnerable, anxious, maybe a mix of things if she's being so demanding too, but stand firm to keep your sanity and don't let her walk all over you. You can do this. Well done for the help you've given her so far and keep going.

I lost my Dad recently, and will openly admit that there have been times when I'm really not nice to be around. And I feel horrible for it.

She's grieving, and now probably isn't the time to tackle these issues so I'd get through the next 2 weeks with gritted teeth and wave her off with a smile. But then you're going to have to be very firm with her that you can't look after her emotionally or financially, and she's going to need to reach out to the rest of the family for this. And mean it.

I have a complicated relationship with my Mum. She's very self absorbed, and has never offered emotional or physical support. And I will remember this when she needs help herself... she's spent years bailing out my sister and treating her like the golden child, so she'll be the one wiping her arse and not me.

Could you suggest she has a few nights at your stepbrothers?
I agree setting boundaries now so there's no misunderstanding regarding what help you are prepared to give.
If she mentions money, suggest maybe the brothers would be in a position to help her as she help them. Make it clear any money you have saved is earmarked for university fees.
Don't make her situation your problem to solve. Keep suggesting that she needs to see what help brothers can provide.

She is incredibly self-absorbed, always has been, and I was definitely parentified as a child. I know that now. This part isn't the grief. It's just her. The problem is that there is no other family. The two boys are both younger, one on a very low income, the other spends it faster than he can earn it. My biggest fear was that I would end up in this position and now here we are. But I've already said to OH that the three weeks is all she can have and she'll have to go home and manage until the house is sold. Teen son is sleeping on the floor in the office to make room for her, OH and I both work from home so that's gone to shit for the time being. She's just oblivious to the feelings and needs of other people.

She sounds incredibly hard work. As a previous poster has said, maybe see if you can find her a cheap hotel. Say the third week doesn't work for you, you only agreed to 2. This isn't fair on you or your family. If she wants to go shopping she should be getting herself a taxi. And I would be making it clear you cannot offer any financial support. She has put herself in this situation.

No real advice, but a lot of sympathy.
I would say, be very very clear with her that a) 3weeks is all she gets b) you won’t be bailing anyone out financially and c) she can move back to the UK but she’s not living with you, even temporarily.

Dancy, this is easier than it seems. You are stuck in old ways of relating to her, where she states a problem or expresses a need and you are supposed to make it happen.

Stop and take a breath. You don't really like her. She's never been nice to you. There is no reason you are responsible for her.

I'm not suggesting you be unkind. You can simply state facts in a sympathetic way.

So she wants to move back.
That's nice. Where will you live?
That's nice. Of course we both work full time so will only be able to see you at the weekends, when the dc don't need us.
That's a worry, what a shame. Of course we have no room as you can see. No, we don't have any spare money. What a shame. Yes, we just about get by, working very hard. Yes, that is a shame. I don't know, it does sound tricky.

Imagine talking to a toddler. Father Christmas doesn't bring ponies. Yes, it's a shame. No, he doesn't do dragons either.

You don't need to feel cross or get emotional- it's not your problem to solve. It just is something happening that you are observing.

You honestly don't have to pick this up for her. It's taken me so many years to realise. Learn from me!

And look into public transport to the airport she booked. You will be working.

Also, stop picking up after. Treat her like a teenager, tell her to get a drink.

I do understand, my mum is the same. You can't appeal to her better nature, reason with her, or anything. But you can ignore her. Honestly, you can.

What actual ‘care’ does she need you to provide….
I’d let her stay the 3 weeks and that’s it. Aren’t you having friends to stay over?

I think you need to say no. If you start to do little things, that list of little things will grow until you end up being a full time carer.

Oh dear, what are you going to do? Is another good one.

Pretend you are talking to a virtual stranger.

Oh wow that sounds like a terrible situation for all of you. I think you'll need to a tough and stand your ground. Clearly your mum sees you as the easy option. If it gets too bad id move her into a hotel.

Well, your brothers have been happily accepting money off her, so it's time for them to repay her either financially or by having her to stay.

I think it should be easier for your husband to object. She doesn't have the power over him that she has over you. Maybe he can make it absolutely clear to her that she is not going to stay with you, you are not going to care for her, and that from now on you and from now on you both have to do your jobs .

@pickledandpuzzled you've hit the nail on the head with your posts - I accepted a long time ago that I don't really like her and she often isn't very nice to me. I'm just trying to do the right thing and be a decent person in what I know is a bloody horrible situation. But I can totally feel her trying to pull me back into the old patterns. I'm determined not to do it and it's 100% not happening beyond the three weeks. I already lost my childhood to it. But god it's hard.

It's actually much easier when you remove the emotion from it- I think it's the guilt that paralyses us.

They demand/expect/assume and we get flustered desperately looking for a way out. But we're actually already free. We just don't need to do it.

You say she’s like an adult toddler, so treat her like one. You need to take charge. Set her chores, get her to lay the table, dry up for you. Maybe make a drink for her if you make one for you, but otherwise “i’ll be making a drink at 4pm but if you need one sooner, the tea and coffee is in…”
If she wants a shop tell her when you are free to take her (not today!) and let her know where the bus stop is.

In other words, don’t say “no”, but make the “yes” one that you can achieve on your terms. And one that makes her realise everything isn’t going her way

What happens i& you ask her to make a drink for you. My MIL took ages to learn that she needed to make her own drinks etc when she stayed with us. It wasn't laziness but a belief that it would be rude if she did.

Mine has a weird rudeness issue. In my brothers house went hungry rather than ask for a sandwich!! Then moaned about it afterwards

This is perfect! So tough for you Op, but she is not your problem to solve.