How to keep yourself sane?

[falstaff1980]

Feeling pretty close to my limit these days. In less than 12 months both my parents and my only sibling have lost their independence. My mother has cognitive impairment, my father has respiratory problems that keep him housebound, and my sister has had a nervous breakdown.

On top of this, both my own house and parents house are in need of repairs and I can't seem to get a tradesman, the handyman I got to fix a leak made a total pigs ear of it. I just can't face any more problems.

I have a fulltime job, a three-year-old girl, a wife who is working but is on permanent medication to prevent migraines and depression, 3 older kids from previous marriage all living with me during the uni holidays, they're fine and do help a bit, but still need me for helping them with the problems late teens and young adults have.

This is definitely affecting me, I'm sure work colleagues have noticed I'm not the fun and relaxed person I was just 12 months ago.

I know I have a lot I should be grateful for, but I can't seem to get my brain out of this destructive cycle of stress and worry. Honestly, I hate to say it, but I find booze is the only thing that helps - two or three glasses of wine or beer at supper give me a more relaxed evening.

I'm sorry - it's incredibly hard. Many people would buckle under just one of those things,

I was lucky that my employer was incredibly supportive when I was in a caring role - I dropped hours (same pay), got workplace counselling, and was able to take some time for myself.

It does come back to you can't look after all that if you don't have some reserves - and if you are running dry you need to do something for yourself.

The counselling I had was really good at pointed out to me that I had to look after myself and strategies for doing so.

And how to access more help too.

And no, the booze regularly probably isn't helping but I don't blame you.

Sorry to hear this OP, it sounds really stressful. I know its not a solution but I do think you need to take a little time off work, even just a few days to look after you mentally and physically. You can't keep pouring from an empty cup as the saying goes. Even go to a hotel for a night or two to get some head space. Sleep, fresh air and quiet will work wonders, your other half can cope for a short time I'm sure with the older kids around too.

This sounds awful and I don't think anyone would cope with this so don't berate yourself for not coping.

Out of interest was your sister the carer for your parents and this caused the breakdown or was it entirely a different cause?

I agree with one of the other posters, take a break from work - a week if you can manage it. Book yourself in somewhere and turn off your phones. Give yourself a couple of days watching films, eating good food and sleeping.
Then, get a pad and pen and write yourself a list. You will need to be tough and make some hard decisions but if you don't you will be no good to anyone.

Your responsibilities are
Job-has to be done as presumably losing it will cause more problems
Wife and kid - keep it simple. Let house chores side and just do enough to keep ticking over.

Visiting kids - ask your ex partner if she could keep them just this once and let you make it up to her at later date. Explain it to your kids so they are not hurt.

House repairs - sort your own house out only for now. Do essential repairs only. Ask for recomendations at your work for tradesmen

Your sister - sorry but she will have to lean on her own partner/friends for now.

Parents - if they can afford it phone up a carer agency and hire 'companions' - they cost a fortune but they can take your parents shopping for food, to appointments and do other basic stuff.

Sorry it is not an easy solution but making lists and prioritising is the only way I can cope. Accept that the list will be constant and never ending and that will just be life now. Do one thing off it per week or two if you can manage it.

I'm got some similar problems myself and it is shocking how quickly your own health starts to unravel.

Thanks for the kind words all. I actually had flu last week and didn't visit my parents for days, they managed - not well, but they managed. The days off with flu seem to have given my brain a rest and I do feel more able to stay on top of things now. Given that they did just about manage, I've made a conscious decision to let things slide and only do what I can continue doing sustainably.

Get done Carer’s in for your parents? A visit a day?

If they, or you, can afford to pay someone to take up the slack, it is worth it for your peace of mind. Don't let them say no, make it a condition of your continued support, but let them know you can't do everything.

So, cleaners, window cleaners, gardeners, food delivery firms, Wiltshire Farm Foods are great. You can get laundry sent out and returned fresh and ironed. Find a local handyman.

All these things help a bit, and additionally its other people popping in and out, and breaking up the day.

Eventually they will need, maybe already at this point, carers to pop in at least once a day, just to check on them, make sure they are up, clean, dressed and fed.

Sorry you had flu but glad it helped you gain perspective. You can't do everything for them. It might be time to help them sort out finances for a daily carer to look in, or to organise for a very trustworthy neighbour who wants some income to do an hour a day, running errands, helping with changing the bed, etc and chatting.

You can't sort out your sibling. You are doing everything else. They need to get back on their own feet. But one way they could regain self confidence to help others in a way that makes them feel useful and valued - maybe look in on your parents twice a week, do their laundry or cook for them, take them ot medical appointments. Unless, as a PP asks, they lost the plot because they were an overworked, undervalued primary carer.

My sister was coming up every other weekend to help, until she had her breakdown - there were other factors at play for her too, and this is her first time in a stressful family situation (I'm a bit more 'battle hardened' with divorce, kids from previous marriage, and problems between my wife's in-laws).

I'm sorry to hear this.

Re your parents, are you doing more than needed? Was their care a factor in your sister's breakdown?

Whatever you can cut back on, do. Also I'm curious about the young adult children and the help but full disclosure, I'm generally unimpressed by the sort of extended adolescence thing that seems to be going on, so I'm wondering in what ways you are helping and if you can pull back there.

What would happen if you were to be run over by a bus tomorrow morning? Your parents would have to buy in care or move to residential care?
Your sister would sink or swim.

You’ve chosen to start a new young family, your 3 year old should be you first priority IMO. You’ll do no good working yourself into your own nervous breakdown.

Look into getting some home care policies - I have one with British Gas and previously had HomeCare with my HSBC policy. Then they send tradespeople in to fix problems.