Elderly parent

[GonnaGetGoingReturns]

Not for me but for best friend who lives (not lived all her life with!) her elderly (87 year old) DM. Her DM is healthy and does lots of charity work. Has had heart attack and hip replacement and is also mostly deaf even with hearing aid.

She does things like:-

• forgets her keys a lot then rings her DD (her DD thinks this is attention seeking)
• doesn’t drink much water so gets dehydrated especially in the heat which she loves
• will do unwise things like climb into attic and then her DD worries she will fall *. Constantly borrows her DD’s nice water/hot drink cups (travel ones etc) and doesn’t return them. Her DD says she sees nice things she the DD has and then wants them. Has got through 10 or more of these.

There is a 10 year older DB and DD fairly nearby but the DS rarely visits - he does have a DW with complex health issues though. He’s seen as the golden child, DM will listen to him over his sisters. The other DD sometimes helps but works.

They don’t want to move out of a Victorian house, the mother has gone downhill since her DH sadly passed away about 15 years ago.

They do have money but the DM refuses to pay for a cleaner. They do get a fruit and veg box delivered. The DM also has quite an active social life.

So what suggestions can be made? Sadly our GP surgery is different to the DM’s though in the same area so they’re no good.

It's easy for me to say now that I am looking at my relationship with my own mother with hindsight but I don't think it is fair to say that she is attention seeking. She might be demanding with her phone calls but it is more likely coming from a place of anxiety/loneliness (even with someone living with her). I have every sympathy for your friend. When my mum was at home (living in the granny annex in the garden) I would get a call at least every hour for any number of spurious reasons and I would have to drop what I was doing and go and help her - change the tv channel, find her handkerchief, fetch a drink - mum wasn't able to walk to the bathroom unaided.

The drinking can be a real problem. Has she tried tempting her with different treat type drinks? My mum loved anything fizzy - even if it had gone flat - so I always made sure there was a bottle of something by her chair. You can also get sweets that are designed especially for keeping people hydrated - https://www.jellydrops.com/

Has your friend taken any steps to secure her future? What would happen if her mum went into a home? Would she be homeless?

Sadly a lot of the time the only way that someone can get help is when there is a crisis. I was beside myself with caring for my mum (we had two care visits a day) and it was only when she fell and was trapped in the bathroom that we were able to get any help. It may be that your friend's mum will be the same.

In your friend's position I would hide the water bottles, keep them in the bedroom or anywhere that mum didn't find them.

It is a really frustrating, difficult situation and I feel very sorry for them both. It was only because of a good friend who had been through a similar situation with her own parents that I was able to see mum's issues/behaviour for what it was rather than see mum as a demanding miserable old lady. Good friends who will support a carer as you do are worth their weight in gold!