Husband thinks I should intervene

[WhatToDoWithMumNow]

My mum is quite frail, is at the doctor regularly and has a whole host of issues. Alongside that she makes quite poor decisions e.g. not waiting to be seen at casualty after a fall, and generally taking risks which tend to result in falls.

I don't think her approach to risk is anything new, as I've often disagreed with how she lives (I'm sure she feels the same about my life), and she is now facing the consequences of some of these decisions. However my husband thinks I should intervene and somehow make her act differently, and that I'm being irresponsible in not doing so. His advice ranges from invoking medical POA to involving social services or finding a home for her.

Some examples, she often won't use her stick/walker and falls. She has type 2 diabetes but lives on cake, eats sweets etc. She has a crazy car share arrangement with a neighbour ( mums car but she can't drive now)

He thinks she lacks capacity, where I don't.

Any advice in what I should do?

The fair thing to do is have her capacity assessed- approach GP

do you have poa ?

I think she should be allowed to live her life as she sees fit, as long as she knows the consequences. However, when her choices start affecting you, ie frequent calls from neighbours or having to take her to A&E multiple times, you get SS involved. But if SS are involved then you must pull back and insist on her getting help.

Alongside that she makes quite poor decisions e.g. not waiting to be seen at casualty after a fall Im not sure that deciding not to spend 12 hours sitting on a plastic chair after a fall is a bad decision.

Yes, get a capacity assessment. But remember “capacity” is a decision by decision assessment. You can lose capacity to choose between different investments but still have capacity to decide where you want to live.

Making unwise decisions doesn't mean she lacks capacity.

Capacity is a very specific process and all adults are assumed to have capacity until it is assess that they don't -for a specific decision, for example you could have capacity for making the decision about where you want to live but not have capacity to manage finances anymore.

If she has made these decisions for a long time this is her and her choices... in this situation it is sometimes better for your own mental health to step back. She knows what she is doing you can't change that you can only change how you respond.

If she has all her faculties then it's up to her how she lives. It's also up to you not to get involved. But this is easier said than done. If she has help in place at least that frees you from having to make rushed choices if something serious happens - I think I'd at least like her to have a wearable alarm so emergency services can be called if she falls.

Sorry I kindof understand the casualty thing after a 6 hour wait I gave up and went to another hospital and got seen more or less straight away. Dont see the car share problem if its working for them and helps your mum get out. And tbh my grandad has diabetes and continues to eat his cakes and Mars bars so at almost 90 he may aswel continue to enjoy them lol

I think you have the right approach, not your DH. As annoying, heart-breaking and sad as the situation may be.

Even if you have a health & welfare LPOA, you can't make your DM do anything she doesn't want to. The law on capacity is very clear - basically if an adult can express an opinion, and it's not immediately life threatening, they are judged to have capacity. For example, leaving A&E because she doesn't want to wait 12 hrs to be seen is fine, but wanting to jump off the top floor of a multi-storey car park because she doesn't want to wait for the lift, isn't OK.

You can ask SS to make an assessment but she doesn't even have to allow them over the threshold.

I personally think the law on capacity is too loose - it can allow an individual the right to live in absolute squalor, even with a formal diagnosis of dementia. The type of squalor that of you forced someone to live that way, would lead to a prison sentence.

The POA law is quite clear. You cannot invoke it to protect someone from an unwise decision if they are making an informed decision. It’s quite a low bar to determine capacity - if your mum is aware of who she is, where she is, time of day, she has appropriate hygiene and can shop, cook and feed herself, and can explain her decisions even with a simple rationale, SS will say she has capacity.

A sentiment often expressed in the cockroach café is the frustration that we have to let our elderly relatives make these poor decisions and then spend time clearing up the resulting chaos. However, there’s also a school of thought that says our relatives look to keep control over their lives as long as they can, and letting other people take over will lead the relatives to give up.

sorry you’re in this position, you’re not alone.

I've a diabetic father with a brain injury who has a particular skill of getting himself into all kinds of bother. For years I panicked and fretted and tried to get him to listen and exercise better judgement . But all it did was damage my mental health. Now I just adopt the attitude that he's old enough , had capacity and if he wants to be a dumbass then he has to face the consequences. You can't make another adult do what you want

I suspect your DH can see clearly where all your DM's 'bad' decisions are headed.
100% I bet you do, too.
Sadly, you are both powerless. She's still well enough to live life her way.
Maybe, you could pick your fights with her. For example, don't get involved about the car share or the cakes but look for provisions like falls mats and grab handles with the local OT?

I feel your pain op.
My mother is also frail but has capacity and uses that capacity to make extremely poor decisions... then I get people acting like I should some how have prevented anything that befalls her as a result of her terrible decisions.... and I really really resent it it makes me very angry.
Even before she was frail she made terrible deeply self centred and short sighted decisions and always expected other people to pick up the pieces.
I don't know what to advise you because its so hard
I understand the fury of having to be the one that takes on all the responsibilities whilst someone else swans about with not a care in the world being an utter cunt basically... but if you don't do anything you are 'a terrible daughter and how could you!'
Alot of people don't understand because they see a frail old woman who needs help.. they don't see this person who has spent their entire life making poor choices and being very hostile and even arguably abusive to their children

Also, I should say my DSis and I, eventually had to step right back as we were getting over -involved and it was breaking us. With hindsight stepping back was the healthier way to go.

Theres nothing to suggest your mum doesn't have capacity here she has the right to make bad decisions and the only thing you can do is choose how you respond and also explain to her the consequences of her choices..... ie yes eat cake but i dont want to hear about your blood sugars/nerve pain/foot infection (sounds harsh but you get the idea)

Its shit. My dads the same in general very selfish and expects everyone to jump because of his bad decisions and pure planning and never thanks anyone but I've made peace with it, hes a big boy and can make his own decisions but he will have to live with the consequences.

My Dad was very independent, wouldn’t let me clean for him. We tried sneaking in while he was at Chapel, but he twigged and got cross. I had to be very vocal to neighbours and others about how stubborn he was (never to Social Services though, they understood perfectly). People are very quick to blame you for letting your parent live in “squalor”. Maybe your DH is feeling the weight of other people’s expectations.