I need to talk

[OLDERME]

I am one of these elderly parents. I need to chat and try to reach a decision. I have been a bit disabled for some years. Over time, I have developed various conditions. I believe that I have adapted well to my changing circumstances. For 6 months or so, I have been having memory problems and other symptoms of Dementia. I have been referred for a brain scan, which has a long waiting list. On a recent GP appointment, he looked at my face and told me that I had a Cancer and he would make an urgent referral to a Consultant. It shouldn't take that long for an appointment.
To say my thoughts are on overdrive... My family know some, but not all about what's going on. I don't really want to tell them anymore at this point, because they will go into overdrive and I will have to have repeated conversations, over and over. I am trying to be calm. I can see that one treatment may aggravate another. e.g. anaesthetic effect on brain.
I am mid 70's and feeling that I have had enough. I am questioning if I would agree to any treatment. I live on my own and still manage everything. I am afraid that if I have to go into hospital, I may end up in a nursing home, to which I will never agree, but it might happen against my wishes.
Sorry for the post, but it has helped to get it out of my head.
Any thoughts, please?

Firstly I am so sorry

Secondly are are overthinking regarding your treatment. You haven't spoken to your doctor yet and you don't know what the treatment involves. Step back a it from it. Wait. See what's involved and only then make decisions make them with your children. You aren't alone

My first thought is - what a difficult situation, I'm sorry you find yourself there, I can offer a handhold but I haven't any real advice. Today I've spoken with my aunt, 78, and father, 91, about the hospital/care home thing and none of us want to go there if we can avoid it (I'm 65). Of course, when we reach the stage of needing such care, we might think differently.

Would you request palliative care at home for when you needed it?

Other questions that occur...
Is your cancer a 'live with' or 'die from' kind?
Have you had any other input from medics regarding the cancer?

What kind of cancer does your doctor think you have? Can totally understand you not discussing this with your family. Questions and suggestions bamboozle me too

I am waiting for an appointment with the consultant re. cancer type. Main concern is that if I do need surgery, it will affect my brain and that will take any decision out of my hands. I can't stress enough that I do not want a care home. I would rather be dead. I hadn't even thought of palliative care...thank you

He thinks it is a slow growing cancer, but it has changed significantly over a few months. It will need a biopsy to determine basal or melanoma.

Do you have a reason for thinking the surgery will affect your brain? Have you heard of that happening? I'm not challenging you, I just don't know anything about it.

I would advise you to ask questions about quality of life. 6 months difficult treatment for 5 years good quality life is one thing. 6 months difficult treatment for 6 months good quality life is another thing entirely.

Also ask your questions about the effects of anaesthetic on the brain.

Don’t be rushed in to anything, take your time. By which I mean take a few days to think about it and do further research, not go away and forget it for a year!

You won’t end up in a nursing home while you still have capacity to make the decision. And there won’t be a great rush to put you there if you need any financial assistance from the LA

Consider giving someone Power if Attorney. Then if you lose capacity, they will be able to argue your case and make sure your wishes are understood.

Anecdote is not data. But I know a 94 year old, all marbles present and correct, who has had more than one cancer removed from the top of his head.

Sorry you are on this situation OP. The only advice I can give is to get your affairs in order whilst you can. We have been totally side swiped by a cancer diagnosis and are trying to hurriedly sort out POA, a will and understanding funeral wishes. Not that I wish any of this on you, but as the daughter of a parent who also lives alone, we've realised that if the worst suddenly happened, or loss of capacity then I have no idea about financial affairs or where important documents are. Of course to do any of that you'd need to tell your family.

I agree with not rushing.

I think you are trying to manage everything at once without enough information.

If I were you I would ring the Age Uk helpline in the morning and talk through your worries. You could also make a GP appointment.

I'd also get a diary and write down 'Things that are important to me'. Share them with your GP so they're in your health record.

Then write what people have said to you into the diary. Ask them to check that you've got the information right.

Kee going back to 'things that are important to me'. They may change a bit but not much.

Length of life may not be important to you. Quality of life might be. It sounds like quality of life for you is being able to make your own decisions about your life. I agree with you.

💐

I have already sorted out my affairs. POA. FIN & WELF. and my will. They all know my feelings. I also have breathing problems. Any lack of oxygen during an op. can affect the brain, especially an already damaged one.

I have many working years of experience with care homes and of dementia. My resolution not to go into one is fixed, and has been for a long time.
There is some very good advice, some of which I have not given thought . Thank you

There is a link between anaesthesia and cognitive functioning in the elderly. I understand why you’re worried. But if you’re talking a skin cancer - surely that’s a local procedure.

re the waiting list, if you have any money, now is the time to spend it - dont delay. Save yourself the anguish.

Thank you, I hadn't thought of a local. Guess it will depend how deep it is.

An urgent referral for cancer means that treatment should begin in about 2 months.

Received appointment for MRI scan today. Next week, so that wasn't long to wait. Deep breathing now. ....They report 2 weeks after the scan. It's all very quick, isn't it.

It’s impossible not to think while you are waiting, so I hope the waiting is short.

one thing I would say - if you do have dementia, and really don’t want to go into a home, what plans can you put in place for the later stages when you need a lot of care? I see so many families sacrificing themselves (and sometimes putting their loved ones in situations that are lonely or harmful) trying to honour that wish.

You sound a bit like my sister who lives in fear of getting dementia and sees every little thing as a symptom. Good luck with your scan.

Same with cancer. I had skin cancer a couple of years ago and zero problems. Hope it is the same for you

Hopefully, I would have the results of the brain scan, prior to the biopsy. That would give me concrete information on which to base any decision.
I am not worrying about getting Dementia. I have real problems which prompted the referral from a Consultant Geriatrician.